be in so much trouble.’
‘Don’t be so bloody pathetic. Nothing’s happened, has it?’ I leap into bed and pull the covers up to my nose, the thudding boom of my heart still crashing in my ears. It feels so good to be back in my room. I never thought I’d say that.
‘Anyway, what was it like?’ she asks eventually into the silent dark. I’d had my eyes closed but was nowhere near sleep. The night’s events flash through my head, stills from a crazy film: me puking, Daisy dancing with Craig, the bus journey home.
‘All right.’
‘Only “all right”? All that trouble for “all right”?’
‘Oh, shut up. Mind your own business. Come next time if you’re that interested.’
‘No thanks.’
‘So what are you going to do, then? Live here for the rest of your life with them?’
For a long time she doesn’t answer, then her words surprise me.
‘No way. I’m getting out of here. First I need my exams and then that’s it. I’ll be gone.’
I can’t believe that she’s finally realized that we can’t stay like this forever. It’s about time too. I’ve never heard Rebecca talk like this before; she’s the quiet one, the one without opinions or ideas about the future. I’ve always led and she’s always followed and I wonder where on earth she thinks she’ll go and what she thinks she’ll be able to do.
‘I’ll go where no one knows me, where I can find a job.’
‘Yeah, right. And where will you live?’
‘I’ll find a flat. Or rent a room.’
‘In your dreams.’ I don’t know why I have to be mean and stamp on her hopes but I just do. ‘You’ll never get a job, Rebecca. You’re too boring. Boring
and
ugly. Who’d want to have to look at you all day?’
She doesn’t reply then and I mouth a silent sorry into the room and lie awake for a long, long time, watching her wrestle with some private demon – the one who makes her cry nearly every night.
I’m dreading going to college on Monday morning and, for the first time since the first day, I sit next to my sister at registration. I doodle on my notepad, not looking up or around in case they’re all laughing at me. Rebecca is quiet too and for a second I think I know how she feels here almost every day. But then she nudges me hard and I look up. Craig is standing by the desk and Ifeel the hot flush on my cheeks before I can do anything about it.
‘All right?’
I nod. Swallow. Smile, sort of.
‘What happened to you Friday night, then?’
‘Oh. Um. I was there.’
‘Yeah, you disappeared.’
I don’t answer, just shrug. This is the longest conversation we’ve had. I keep waiting for him to walk off but he doesn’t.
‘I was looking for you. We all went on clubbing at Chequers.’
‘Yeah?’
I don’t really know what I’m supposed to say.
‘I thought you might be there.’
‘Oh. Sorry.’
He shrugs, shoves his headphones back in and wanders off, and I turn to Rebecca, who’s looking like she might vomit. I elbow her in her side and she sucks in her breath and buries her head back in her Maths textbook.
So I’m not finished, not yet anyway. Even if Daisy did tell him about me puking up maybe he wasn’t bothered. There might still be a chance. I spend all day looking out for him but he must have bunked off again because I don’t see him anywhere.
This is my sixth day at this college. So far I’ve learnt a lot.
I’ve learnt not to look bothered if a boy talks to you or smiles at you.
I’ve learnt to make my voice rise at the end of some of my sentences.
I know how to use a computer, just about, and how to check my emails and Facebook account in the college IT room.
I’ve learnt that flicking my hair is quite sexy, although I think I’d got that one on my own.
I’ve also learnt the names of characters in
EastEnders
and more or less what’s going on in the storylines, just by listening carefully. I’m quite proud of this actually.
I know who Cheryl Cole is, and all the characters
‘Don’t be so bloody pathetic. Nothing’s happened, has it?’ I leap into bed and pull the covers up to my nose, the thudding boom of my heart still crashing in my ears. It feels so good to be back in my room. I never thought I’d say that.
‘Anyway, what was it like?’ she asks eventually into the silent dark. I’d had my eyes closed but was nowhere near sleep. The night’s events flash through my head, stills from a crazy film: me puking, Daisy dancing with Craig, the bus journey home.
‘All right.’
‘Only “all right”? All that trouble for “all right”?’
‘Oh, shut up. Mind your own business. Come next time if you’re that interested.’
‘No thanks.’
‘So what are you going to do, then? Live here for the rest of your life with them?’
For a long time she doesn’t answer, then her words surprise me.
‘No way. I’m getting out of here. First I need my exams and then that’s it. I’ll be gone.’
I can’t believe that she’s finally realized that we can’t stay like this forever. It’s about time too. I’ve never heard Rebecca talk like this before; she’s the quiet one, the one without opinions or ideas about the future. I’ve always led and she’s always followed and I wonder where on earth she thinks she’ll go and what she thinks she’ll be able to do.
‘I’ll go where no one knows me, where I can find a job.’
‘Yeah, right. And where will you live?’
‘I’ll find a flat. Or rent a room.’
‘In your dreams.’ I don’t know why I have to be mean and stamp on her hopes but I just do. ‘You’ll never get a job, Rebecca. You’re too boring. Boring
and
ugly. Who’d want to have to look at you all day?’
She doesn’t reply then and I mouth a silent sorry into the room and lie awake for a long, long time, watching her wrestle with some private demon – the one who makes her cry nearly every night.
I’m dreading going to college on Monday morning and, for the first time since the first day, I sit next to my sister at registration. I doodle on my notepad, not looking up or around in case they’re all laughing at me. Rebecca is quiet too and for a second I think I know how she feels here almost every day. But then she nudges me hard and I look up. Craig is standing by the desk and Ifeel the hot flush on my cheeks before I can do anything about it.
‘All right?’
I nod. Swallow. Smile, sort of.
‘What happened to you Friday night, then?’
‘Oh. Um. I was there.’
‘Yeah, you disappeared.’
I don’t answer, just shrug. This is the longest conversation we’ve had. I keep waiting for him to walk off but he doesn’t.
‘I was looking for you. We all went on clubbing at Chequers.’
‘Yeah?’
I don’t really know what I’m supposed to say.
‘I thought you might be there.’
‘Oh. Sorry.’
He shrugs, shoves his headphones back in and wanders off, and I turn to Rebecca, who’s looking like she might vomit. I elbow her in her side and she sucks in her breath and buries her head back in her Maths textbook.
So I’m not finished, not yet anyway. Even if Daisy did tell him about me puking up maybe he wasn’t bothered. There might still be a chance. I spend all day looking out for him but he must have bunked off again because I don’t see him anywhere.
This is my sixth day at this college. So far I’ve learnt a lot.
I’ve learnt not to look bothered if a boy talks to you or smiles at you.
I’ve learnt to make my voice rise at the end of some of my sentences.
I know how to use a computer, just about, and how to check my emails and Facebook account in the college IT room.
I’ve learnt that flicking my hair is quite sexy, although I think I’d got that one on my own.
I’ve also learnt the names of characters in
EastEnders
and more or less what’s going on in the storylines, just by listening carefully. I’m quite proud of this actually.
I know who Cheryl Cole is, and all the characters
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