killing passions?
'I murdered a man!' I shouted at him.
'No, you killed a Kallimun priest who would have killed Atara.'
'You don't understand!'
'Don't I? So, I've seen you kill rabbits and rock goats for food, and how many of our enemy have you sent on with that sword you wear? Killing is only killing, eh? It doesn't matter how we kill, only who.'
The stream purled in darkness, and the wind rustled the steppe's grasses, and the whispering inside me told me that Kane was wrong.
'It must matter,' I said. 'Just as everything we do matters.'
'These are hard times, Val. So, we must do hard things.'
' Hard things, yes.'
'Would it be so hard for you to tell Bajorak that we seek a great treasure in the mountains beyond the Oro River? And that in finding it, we would fight Morjin's gold with our own? Is that not close to the truth?'
I smiled at this as I listened to my heart drumming inside me. I said, 'I have learned. . . that the smallest of lies can grow, like a rat's bite beginning a plague of death.'
'We need Bajorak on our side, you know.'
'I will not lie to him.'
'But you cannot tell him the truth about our purpose! What if he is captured, eh? What if he sells our secrets for gold?'
'I trust him no more than you do.'
'Do you trust him to fight, if it comes to that? So. it would not take much, at need, for you to push him into battle.'
I ground my teeth at the fury I felt for Morjin seething inside me. How hard would it be to touch Bajorak - or anyone - with a little of this flame?
'No; I will not ,' I said to Kane.
'No? No matter what befalls? No matter which of your friends is threatened? What else won't you do, then?'
I drew in a deep breath and held it until my lungs burned. And then I said, 'I will not torture. I will not sacrifice innocents, not to save you or me, or even the children. I will not use the valarda . . . as I would my sword, to strike terror or maim. And never again to kill.'
As Kane glared at me through the near-darkness, I drew Alkaladur and watched the play of starlight along its length.
'So,' he said, gazing at it, 'in such goodness, in such purity of truth, you think to fight Morjin and all his evil deeds?'
I smiled sadly as I shook my head. 'I am neither good, nor pure, nor am I renowned as an exemplar of the truth. Who, then, am I to fight evil?'
'Ha - is that not itself an evil question?'
I said to him, 'I don't understand you! Once, on top of a mountain, you told me that I could not fight Morjin your way without losing my soul!'
'So - perhaps I lied.'
'No, you did not!'
His voice softened then as he told me, 'Listen to me, my young friend: we do what we have to do, eh? Just don't be so sure it's always easy to know what is evil and what is not.'
And with that, he stalked off back toward our encampment. I waited with my drawn sword, watching the world turn into darkness. I breathed in the smells of grass and woodfire and the fresh blood of a lion's kill wafting on the wind. I sensed many things. The horses standing in their small herd nearby were all exhausted and would have a hard time when morning came. I quivered with the fear of the field mice as they looked for the owls who hunted them, and my heart leaped with the gladness of the wolves as they followed the scent of their prey. And in all this immense anguish and zest, I thought, in all this incessant struggle and striving there was no evil but only the terrible beauty of life. It was too much for me to take in, too much for any man. And yet I must, for the stars, too, had a kind of life: deeper and wilder and infinite in duration. How, I wondered, would I ever feel my mother's breath upon my face or hear Asaru laughing again if I could not open myself to this eternal flame?
Just then Atara appeared out of the glare of our campfire and walked closer to me. Then she called out: 'Val, your face - your sword!'
To be open to love, I knew, is to be vulnerable to hate.
'Morjin is out there,' I said to her. My sword glowed
'I murdered a man!' I shouted at him.
'No, you killed a Kallimun priest who would have killed Atara.'
'You don't understand!'
'Don't I? So, I've seen you kill rabbits and rock goats for food, and how many of our enemy have you sent on with that sword you wear? Killing is only killing, eh? It doesn't matter how we kill, only who.'
The stream purled in darkness, and the wind rustled the steppe's grasses, and the whispering inside me told me that Kane was wrong.
'It must matter,' I said. 'Just as everything we do matters.'
'These are hard times, Val. So, we must do hard things.'
' Hard things, yes.'
'Would it be so hard for you to tell Bajorak that we seek a great treasure in the mountains beyond the Oro River? And that in finding it, we would fight Morjin's gold with our own? Is that not close to the truth?'
I smiled at this as I listened to my heart drumming inside me. I said, 'I have learned. . . that the smallest of lies can grow, like a rat's bite beginning a plague of death.'
'We need Bajorak on our side, you know.'
'I will not lie to him.'
'But you cannot tell him the truth about our purpose! What if he is captured, eh? What if he sells our secrets for gold?'
'I trust him no more than you do.'
'Do you trust him to fight, if it comes to that? So. it would not take much, at need, for you to push him into battle.'
I ground my teeth at the fury I felt for Morjin seething inside me. How hard would it be to touch Bajorak - or anyone - with a little of this flame?
'No; I will not ,' I said to Kane.
'No? No matter what befalls? No matter which of your friends is threatened? What else won't you do, then?'
I drew in a deep breath and held it until my lungs burned. And then I said, 'I will not torture. I will not sacrifice innocents, not to save you or me, or even the children. I will not use the valarda . . . as I would my sword, to strike terror or maim. And never again to kill.'
As Kane glared at me through the near-darkness, I drew Alkaladur and watched the play of starlight along its length.
'So,' he said, gazing at it, 'in such goodness, in such purity of truth, you think to fight Morjin and all his evil deeds?'
I smiled sadly as I shook my head. 'I am neither good, nor pure, nor am I renowned as an exemplar of the truth. Who, then, am I to fight evil?'
'Ha - is that not itself an evil question?'
I said to him, 'I don't understand you! Once, on top of a mountain, you told me that I could not fight Morjin your way without losing my soul!'
'So - perhaps I lied.'
'No, you did not!'
His voice softened then as he told me, 'Listen to me, my young friend: we do what we have to do, eh? Just don't be so sure it's always easy to know what is evil and what is not.'
And with that, he stalked off back toward our encampment. I waited with my drawn sword, watching the world turn into darkness. I breathed in the smells of grass and woodfire and the fresh blood of a lion's kill wafting on the wind. I sensed many things. The horses standing in their small herd nearby were all exhausted and would have a hard time when morning came. I quivered with the fear of the field mice as they looked for the owls who hunted them, and my heart leaped with the gladness of the wolves as they followed the scent of their prey. And in all this immense anguish and zest, I thought, in all this incessant struggle and striving there was no evil but only the terrible beauty of life. It was too much for me to take in, too much for any man. And yet I must, for the stars, too, had a kind of life: deeper and wilder and infinite in duration. How, I wondered, would I ever feel my mother's breath upon my face or hear Asaru laughing again if I could not open myself to this eternal flame?
Just then Atara appeared out of the glare of our campfire and walked closer to me. Then she called out: 'Val, your face - your sword!'
To be open to love, I knew, is to be vulnerable to hate.
'Morjin is out there,' I said to her. My sword glowed
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