would never become human, then she longed to live out eternity with him, for she could not bear the thought of vanishing into mortality as he went along without her.
Octavius shook his head. “If I were in my right mind, no. But seeing you almost dead – it made me crazy. Made me reckless. I am sorry for that now.”
“Don’t apologize…” Kalina brought him in for another kiss. “I can feel the bond. It’s stronger than ever before. I can feel it, Octavius. You can’t hide from me any longer what you feel. Because now I feel it, too – and Octavius, it’s strong. Our love is too strong. Your essence is in me now, Octavius. Your blood is in me. I can feel it running through my veins.”
Octavius smiled a sad smile at her. “Then you know what it’s been like, don’t you? What torture it has been spending each moment away from you – when I want nothing in the world so badly as to spend the night with you, each day with you, wrap my arms around you in bed and never let go. And then I start to waver and quake – I start to doubt myself and the oath I have sworn…”
He sighed.
“Why do you have to be so noble, Octavius?” Kalina pressed her lips against his marble-white forehead. “Why can’t you ever think of what you want?”
“I do think of it,” said Octavius. “I think of it all the time. But I cannot act on it. Not when I have brought so many vampires into this world of suffering – so many of them have been staked, with no hope of regaining their humanity. And those that remain still suffer. When I have brought such cruelty into the world, I cannot live with myself unless I cast it out again. Someone has to act as I must act, Kalina. Or else this world that you and I inhabit will become a different world, one where the likes of Molotov and Mal, vampires with no regard for human or vampire life, will rule. And the humans who rule, too, will be likewise cruel and callous. Without people like you, Kalina. Without people who have taken the oath that I have taken.”
“That doesn’t make it any less hard,” Kalina said. “It’s one thing thinking about what you ought to do – it’s another thing working up the strength to actually do it.” She thought once more of Stuart, of Jaegar, of her uncontrollable urges, and she was ashamed. Here she was, giving into each compulsion, each need, freely moving from vampire to vampire as her urges took her – even while Octavius wanted nothing in the world more than he wanted her, and yet he was able to force himself to resist. She thought once more of Justin, and her lips began to quiver with the pain and shame of it. If she hadn’t left Justin alone, if she hadn’t gone off to give in to her lust with Stuart, would Justin still be alive right now? Her eyes began to well up with tears at the thought. “I can’t stand it,” she whispered. “I’ve been awful – such a fool. Why can’t I be as strong as you are, Octavius?”
“But you are strong, my sweet.” He was stroking her hair. “Kalina, my love, you are the strongest woman I have ever known.”
Kalina shook her head. “Not strong enough. I have these…urges. These desires – and they’re so strong I can’t control them. One minute I’m in love with Jaegar, the next with Stuart – always with you – and my hunger and desire are so strong I can’t resist them. No matter how hard I try.”
Octavius smiled sadly. “So you have a compulsion that makes you give into your urges by making them ten times stronger than normal.”
“I’m so selfish! I’ve hurt Jaegar, hurt Stuart, hurt everyone I love by not being able to resist any of you…”
“But Kalina – doesn’t it sound familiar to you? Uncontrollable urges – burning needs…”
“I don’t understand.”
“We vampires suffer from hunger all the time. And in your Life’s Blood you have vampire blood. And that Life’s Blood has given you an incredible capacity to love – but also the pain of desire that
Octavius shook his head. “If I were in my right mind, no. But seeing you almost dead – it made me crazy. Made me reckless. I am sorry for that now.”
“Don’t apologize…” Kalina brought him in for another kiss. “I can feel the bond. It’s stronger than ever before. I can feel it, Octavius. You can’t hide from me any longer what you feel. Because now I feel it, too – and Octavius, it’s strong. Our love is too strong. Your essence is in me now, Octavius. Your blood is in me. I can feel it running through my veins.”
Octavius smiled a sad smile at her. “Then you know what it’s been like, don’t you? What torture it has been spending each moment away from you – when I want nothing in the world so badly as to spend the night with you, each day with you, wrap my arms around you in bed and never let go. And then I start to waver and quake – I start to doubt myself and the oath I have sworn…”
He sighed.
“Why do you have to be so noble, Octavius?” Kalina pressed her lips against his marble-white forehead. “Why can’t you ever think of what you want?”
“I do think of it,” said Octavius. “I think of it all the time. But I cannot act on it. Not when I have brought so many vampires into this world of suffering – so many of them have been staked, with no hope of regaining their humanity. And those that remain still suffer. When I have brought such cruelty into the world, I cannot live with myself unless I cast it out again. Someone has to act as I must act, Kalina. Or else this world that you and I inhabit will become a different world, one where the likes of Molotov and Mal, vampires with no regard for human or vampire life, will rule. And the humans who rule, too, will be likewise cruel and callous. Without people like you, Kalina. Without people who have taken the oath that I have taken.”
“That doesn’t make it any less hard,” Kalina said. “It’s one thing thinking about what you ought to do – it’s another thing working up the strength to actually do it.” She thought once more of Stuart, of Jaegar, of her uncontrollable urges, and she was ashamed. Here she was, giving into each compulsion, each need, freely moving from vampire to vampire as her urges took her – even while Octavius wanted nothing in the world more than he wanted her, and yet he was able to force himself to resist. She thought once more of Justin, and her lips began to quiver with the pain and shame of it. If she hadn’t left Justin alone, if she hadn’t gone off to give in to her lust with Stuart, would Justin still be alive right now? Her eyes began to well up with tears at the thought. “I can’t stand it,” she whispered. “I’ve been awful – such a fool. Why can’t I be as strong as you are, Octavius?”
“But you are strong, my sweet.” He was stroking her hair. “Kalina, my love, you are the strongest woman I have ever known.”
Kalina shook her head. “Not strong enough. I have these…urges. These desires – and they’re so strong I can’t control them. One minute I’m in love with Jaegar, the next with Stuart – always with you – and my hunger and desire are so strong I can’t resist them. No matter how hard I try.”
Octavius smiled sadly. “So you have a compulsion that makes you give into your urges by making them ten times stronger than normal.”
“I’m so selfish! I’ve hurt Jaegar, hurt Stuart, hurt everyone I love by not being able to resist any of you…”
“But Kalina – doesn’t it sound familiar to you? Uncontrollable urges – burning needs…”
“I don’t understand.”
“We vampires suffer from hunger all the time. And in your Life’s Blood you have vampire blood. And that Life’s Blood has given you an incredible capacity to love – but also the pain of desire that
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