Bloodsucking fiends by Christopher Moore Page B
Authors: Christopher Moore
Tags: Fiction, General, Suspense, Humorous, Popular American Fiction, Fiction - General, Romance, Fantasy, Contemporary, Horror, Paranormal, Mystery, Love Stories, California, Vampires, Women, San Francisco (Calif.), Romance - Fantasy
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8 – Dinner with the Vampire
"Is there something wrong with your food?"
"No, I'm just not very hungry."
"You're going to break my heart, aren't you?"
Chapter 9 – He Knows If You've
Been Bad or Good, So You'd
Better…
For the few days he had been in San Francisco, because of the newness of it all, because of the mystery of the flowers and the worries of finding a job, Tommy had completely forgotten that he was horny. He had always been horny, and had accepted that he always would be horny. So when Jody sat down across from him and the tsunami of hormones washed over him, he was quite shocked that he had ever forgotten.
Through dinner he missed most of her small talk and bought all the polite lies she told about her eating habits because his mind was busy with a single obsessive thought: She must move that scarf so I can see her breasts.
When Tommy finished eating, Frederick came to the table. "Was there something wrong with your food?" he asked Jody.
"No, I'm just not very hungry."
Frederick winked at Tommy and took their plates. Jody sat back, unwrapped her scarf and threw it over the back of her chair. "What a nice night," she said.
Tommy ripped his gaze from the front of her blouse and pretended to look out over the street. "Yep," he said.
"You know, I've never asked a man out before."
"Me either," Tommy said.
He had decided that he would throw himself at her feet and beg. Please, please, please, take me home and have sex with me. You have no idea how badly I need it. I've only done it twice in my life and both times I was so drunk that I had to be told about it the next day. Please, for the love of God, end this suffering, fuck me now or kill me!
"Would you like a cappuccino?" he asked.
She shook her head. "Tommy, can I trust you? Can I be honest with you?"
"Sure."
"Look, I don't want to be too forward, but I think I have to be…"
"I knew it." He fell forward until his head hit the table, rattling the silverware. He spoke into the tablecloth. "You just broke up with a guy, and this date seemed like a good idea at the time, but you think that you're still in love with him. And I'm a really nice guy and you'll always be my friend. Right?"
"No. I wasn't going to say that."
"Oh, then you've just gotten out of a bad relationship and you're not ready to get into another one. You need to be alone for a while and find out what you really want. Right?"
"No…"
"Right," Tommy said into the tablecloth. "But things are moving a little too fast and maybe we should see other people for a while. I knew it. I knew you would break my -"
Jody whacked him on the back of the head with a soup spoon. "Ouch!" Tommy sat up, rubbing the rising lump. "Hey, that hurt."
"Are you okay?" she asked, holding the soup spoon at ready.
"That really hurt."
"Good." She put the spoon down. "I was going to say that I don't want to be too forward, but you and I both need a place to live, and I need some help with some things, and I like you, and I was wondering if you wanted to get a place together?"
Tommy stopped rubbing his head. "Now?"
"If you don't have other plans."
"But we haven't even, you know…"
"We can just be roommates if you'd like. And if you need to think it over, I'll understand, but I really need your help."
Tommy was stunned. No woman had ever said anything like that to him before. In just these few minutes she had come to trust him enough to lay herself open to total rejection. Women didn't do that, did they? Maybe she was nuts. Well, that would be okay; she could be Zelda to his F. Scott. Still, he felt as if he owed her some sort of confession that would leave him equally vulnerable.
"Five Chinese guys asked me to marry them today," he said.
Jody didn't know what to say, so she said, "Congratulations."
"I didn't accept."
"Thinking it over?"
"No, I wouldn't two-time you."
"That's sweet, but technically you'd be six-timing me."
Tommy smiled. "I like you, I really do."
"Then let's move in
"Is there something wrong with your food?"
"No, I'm just not very hungry."
"You're going to break my heart, aren't you?"
Chapter 9 – He Knows If You've
Been Bad or Good, So You'd
Better…
For the few days he had been in San Francisco, because of the newness of it all, because of the mystery of the flowers and the worries of finding a job, Tommy had completely forgotten that he was horny. He had always been horny, and had accepted that he always would be horny. So when Jody sat down across from him and the tsunami of hormones washed over him, he was quite shocked that he had ever forgotten.
Through dinner he missed most of her small talk and bought all the polite lies she told about her eating habits because his mind was busy with a single obsessive thought: She must move that scarf so I can see her breasts.
When Tommy finished eating, Frederick came to the table. "Was there something wrong with your food?" he asked Jody.
"No, I'm just not very hungry."
Frederick winked at Tommy and took their plates. Jody sat back, unwrapped her scarf and threw it over the back of her chair. "What a nice night," she said.
Tommy ripped his gaze from the front of her blouse and pretended to look out over the street. "Yep," he said.
"You know, I've never asked a man out before."
"Me either," Tommy said.
He had decided that he would throw himself at her feet and beg. Please, please, please, take me home and have sex with me. You have no idea how badly I need it. I've only done it twice in my life and both times I was so drunk that I had to be told about it the next day. Please, for the love of God, end this suffering, fuck me now or kill me!
"Would you like a cappuccino?" he asked.
She shook her head. "Tommy, can I trust you? Can I be honest with you?"
"Sure."
"Look, I don't want to be too forward, but I think I have to be…"
"I knew it." He fell forward until his head hit the table, rattling the silverware. He spoke into the tablecloth. "You just broke up with a guy, and this date seemed like a good idea at the time, but you think that you're still in love with him. And I'm a really nice guy and you'll always be my friend. Right?"
"No. I wasn't going to say that."
"Oh, then you've just gotten out of a bad relationship and you're not ready to get into another one. You need to be alone for a while and find out what you really want. Right?"
"No…"
"Right," Tommy said into the tablecloth. "But things are moving a little too fast and maybe we should see other people for a while. I knew it. I knew you would break my -"
Jody whacked him on the back of the head with a soup spoon. "Ouch!" Tommy sat up, rubbing the rising lump. "Hey, that hurt."
"Are you okay?" she asked, holding the soup spoon at ready.
"That really hurt."
"Good." She put the spoon down. "I was going to say that I don't want to be too forward, but you and I both need a place to live, and I need some help with some things, and I like you, and I was wondering if you wanted to get a place together?"
Tommy stopped rubbing his head. "Now?"
"If you don't have other plans."
"But we haven't even, you know…"
"We can just be roommates if you'd like. And if you need to think it over, I'll understand, but I really need your help."
Tommy was stunned. No woman had ever said anything like that to him before. In just these few minutes she had come to trust him enough to lay herself open to total rejection. Women didn't do that, did they? Maybe she was nuts. Well, that would be okay; she could be Zelda to his F. Scott. Still, he felt as if he owed her some sort of confession that would leave him equally vulnerable.
"Five Chinese guys asked me to marry them today," he said.
Jody didn't know what to say, so she said, "Congratulations."
"I didn't accept."
"Thinking it over?"
"No, I wouldn't two-time you."
"That's sweet, but technically you'd be six-timing me."
Tommy smiled. "I like you, I really do."
"Then let's move in
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