grandmother who was long dead by the time I took my first breath.
“She hides from me. Everyone hides from me, but
you won’t. It’s so cold here, Blue. I need you to keep me warm.”
No matter how many times Mom showed herself and begged
for me to join her, I never built up a resistance. Sobbing now, I wished she
had been saved so we could have shared the last eight years. I wanted back every
day we lost because of Lily Falls, but those desires were foolish and would go
unanswered.
“I never wanted a child,” she said, curled on the
bed in a fetal position. “I didn’t want to sentence my daughter to die like I
would die. I tried to be careful, but I wasn’t careful enough.”
Staring at her, I didn’t know how to respond. I
couldn’t give her what she wanted yet. While I had promised her I would die, I
had also promised Flynn and Lacey I would survive at least the weekend. Mom had
to be patient, but I could see how cold she was as she shivered on the bed.
“Blue, when you jump and the water fills your
lungs, I’ll be waiting for you. You’ll be cold, but I’ll hold you in my arms
like I did when you were little. We’ll be together forever and we’ll keep the
cold away.”
Nodding, I forced my gaze away from her and looked
in the mirror where the demons awaited me. As I fixed my smeared makeup, I saw
the Jacoby twins staring hatefully at me. Sometimes the two boys would show
themselves the way they were when Assad finished with them, but usually they
were just angry. All of the demons were so full of hate and every day I postponed
sacrificing myself only increased their rage.
“Soon,” I whispered to them and Mom who trembled
next to me now. “I’ll jump on Monday.”
“Why not tomorrow?” Mom asked, her cold fingers
grazing my neck as she fixed my hair. “Why not do it when the boy isn’t looking?”
“I want to say goodbye to Aunt Penny.”
My mother flinched away from me. “If Penny had
died, I could have stayed with you longer and it would be my turn now. You
would have years more to live, but she failed. She had to be such a drama queen
and sacrifice herself in front of all those people.”
“I’m sorry, Mom,” I said, depressed now as I brushed
out my damp semi-wavy hair. “I’m sorry you’re cold and had to die so young. I’m
sorry, but I can’t do it until Monday. I need to put things in order.”
Angry at my answer, she walked into my closet and
disappeared. The faces in the mirror were angry too. Hurrying out of the
bedroom, I walked into the kitchen where Hans was cooking stew.
“You should stay in tonight,” he said.
“I have a date and I want to go out,” I muttered,
angry with everyone because my mom was cold and hiding in the closet. “Are you
going to stop me?”
“I’m not your father, Blue. I just worry about
you.”
Sighing, I looked at him and forced a tight smile.
“I guess I’m cranky like everyone else around here.”
“Go have fun then, but don’t stay out too late or
else Gretchen will worry.”
Glancing at Gretchen, who was sketching her
humping cats, I doubted she would even notice I left the house, let alone when
I returned. Hans would worry though. He wasn’t my father, but he was the
closest I was going to get.
“I’ll be careful.”
Smiling, Hans patted me gently on the shoulder. Every
year on the anniversary of my mom’s death, he would give me the best hugs and I’d
wonder if he was being inappropriate. Assuming the worst, I didn’t want to enjoy
those hugs, but Hans felt safe like the only grownup on the planet that really
cared if I lived or died. It felt good to have someone like him in my life.
Walking outside to wait for Flynn, I instead found
my mother on the porch, bloodied and crying for me to call someone to save her. Why hadn’t I dialed faster? Didn’t I want her to live? Didn’t I care or was
I selfish like Aunt Rory who ran away from her destiny and forced her younger
sisters to die sooner?
By the time
“She hides from me. Everyone hides from me, but
you won’t. It’s so cold here, Blue. I need you to keep me warm.”
No matter how many times Mom showed herself and begged
for me to join her, I never built up a resistance. Sobbing now, I wished she
had been saved so we could have shared the last eight years. I wanted back every
day we lost because of Lily Falls, but those desires were foolish and would go
unanswered.
“I never wanted a child,” she said, curled on the
bed in a fetal position. “I didn’t want to sentence my daughter to die like I
would die. I tried to be careful, but I wasn’t careful enough.”
Staring at her, I didn’t know how to respond. I
couldn’t give her what she wanted yet. While I had promised her I would die, I
had also promised Flynn and Lacey I would survive at least the weekend. Mom had
to be patient, but I could see how cold she was as she shivered on the bed.
“Blue, when you jump and the water fills your
lungs, I’ll be waiting for you. You’ll be cold, but I’ll hold you in my arms
like I did when you were little. We’ll be together forever and we’ll keep the
cold away.”
Nodding, I forced my gaze away from her and looked
in the mirror where the demons awaited me. As I fixed my smeared makeup, I saw
the Jacoby twins staring hatefully at me. Sometimes the two boys would show
themselves the way they were when Assad finished with them, but usually they
were just angry. All of the demons were so full of hate and every day I postponed
sacrificing myself only increased their rage.
“Soon,” I whispered to them and Mom who trembled
next to me now. “I’ll jump on Monday.”
“Why not tomorrow?” Mom asked, her cold fingers
grazing my neck as she fixed my hair. “Why not do it when the boy isn’t looking?”
“I want to say goodbye to Aunt Penny.”
My mother flinched away from me. “If Penny had
died, I could have stayed with you longer and it would be my turn now. You
would have years more to live, but she failed. She had to be such a drama queen
and sacrifice herself in front of all those people.”
“I’m sorry, Mom,” I said, depressed now as I brushed
out my damp semi-wavy hair. “I’m sorry you’re cold and had to die so young. I’m
sorry, but I can’t do it until Monday. I need to put things in order.”
Angry at my answer, she walked into my closet and
disappeared. The faces in the mirror were angry too. Hurrying out of the
bedroom, I walked into the kitchen where Hans was cooking stew.
“You should stay in tonight,” he said.
“I have a date and I want to go out,” I muttered,
angry with everyone because my mom was cold and hiding in the closet. “Are you
going to stop me?”
“I’m not your father, Blue. I just worry about
you.”
Sighing, I looked at him and forced a tight smile.
“I guess I’m cranky like everyone else around here.”
“Go have fun then, but don’t stay out too late or
else Gretchen will worry.”
Glancing at Gretchen, who was sketching her
humping cats, I doubted she would even notice I left the house, let alone when
I returned. Hans would worry though. He wasn’t my father, but he was the
closest I was going to get.
“I’ll be careful.”
Smiling, Hans patted me gently on the shoulder. Every
year on the anniversary of my mom’s death, he would give me the best hugs and I’d
wonder if he was being inappropriate. Assuming the worst, I didn’t want to enjoy
those hugs, but Hans felt safe like the only grownup on the planet that really
cared if I lived or died. It felt good to have someone like him in my life.
Walking outside to wait for Flynn, I instead found
my mother on the porch, bloodied and crying for me to call someone to save her. Why hadn’t I dialed faster? Didn’t I want her to live? Didn’t I care or was
I selfish like Aunt Rory who ran away from her destiny and forced her younger
sisters to die sooner?
By the time
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