Board Stiff (Xanth)

Board Stiff (Xanth) by Piers Anthony

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Authors: Piers Anthony
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said.
    Understand? He understood none of it. Kandy knew she had her work cut out for her.
    “I have prepared backpacks with food and tools,” MareAnn said. “You should be all right on the trail, especially considering Astrid’s protection.”
    Ease finally recovered a bit of his common sense. “Where are we going?”
    “Oh, didn’t the Good Magician say?”
    “All he said was I had to find the antidote. He didn’t say where.”
    “Then I suppose you will have to look for it.”
    “The dress,” Astrid said. “I have a feeling it knows and will get us there.”
    “You can talk to it? MareAnn asked.
    “No. It’s just a feeling.”
    “That dress,” MareAnn said. “I wondered how it got in with the ordinary dresses. I wonder if Humfrey put it there? For you to find? Those sequins--”
    “I don’t know,” Astrid said.
    “Well, it’s bound to take you somewhere. I just hope it’s where you need to go.”
    Kandy hoped so too. She knew the dress was mischief. But as with men, it might be necessary to tolerate the mischief for the sake of the benefits they offered.
    Soon they were on their way, wearing the backpacks, walking along the enchanted path with no immediate destination in mind.
    They encountered a young woman walking toward them. “Hello,” she said brightly. “My name’s Penny. That’s because I’m collecting thoughts. I will give you a penny for yours.”
    “I’m not much for thinking,” Ease said.
    “Here is a penny.” She produced a shining copper coin.
    Ease wanted the pretty penny. “Uh, I’m thinking that I have no idea where I’m going, but I hope it’s interesting.”
    “Thank you.” She gave him the penny, and turned to Astrid. “You?”
    “I am thinking that you are the type of girl I wish I could be, but I can’t.”
    “Why not, if you want to be? You’re twice as pretty as I am.”
    “Because I am a basilisk in human form. My direct gaze would kill you.”
    “Oh. Thank you.” Penny flipped her a penny and hurried on.
    “Bleep,” Astrid said. “Maybe I should avoid telling folk the truth.”
    “No, tell them,” Ease advised. “I know the truth, and I think you’re fascinating.”
    “I am forbidden fruit.”
    “That, too, I guess. But I’ll try to be careful.”
    Kandy feared that it was in part the very deadliness of the basilisk that intrigued him. Forbidden fruit was generally the most tempting. This was bound to be mischief.
    Sure enough, mischief soon found them. Astrid saw a pair of large animals grazing beside the path, and skipped ahead to look at them more closely. But her skipping caused the dress to flounce, and a sequin dropped off. Immediately the dress went translucent, revealing the outline of her fine torso complete with bra and panties.
    Ease froze in place. The sight was not clear enough to freak him out completely, but it was a close call.
    “Oh look!” Astrid said. “There are words on their sides. PROB and IMPROB. What do they mean?”
    Kandy focused, knowing that Ease would not be up to it. The animals were male bovines, bulls, probably siblings. So the words plausibly named or defined them in some manner. Maybe it was a pun.
    Then she got it. PROB-A-BULL and IMPROB-A-BULL!
    “Proba-bull and Improba-bull,” Ease said, relaying her thought though his mind was largely in stasis. He was still staring through her dress.
    Astrid laughed deliciously. “Oh, that’s so clever! Thank you for figuring it out.”
    “Welcome,” he replied automatically.
    “Oh, I could kiss you!” Astrid said, turning around so that her skirt flared. Her legs needed no enhancement, but nevertheless got it.
    DON’T !! Kandy projected to her.
    That jolted the basilisk girl back to reality. “But of course I won’t. We must not be social.”
    A SEQUIN FELL OFF.
    Astrid looked, and realized that she was not far from nude. “Oh, my! I didn’t know!”
    PUT IT BACK ON
    That jogged Ease out of his trance. He went to pick up the sequin, then kneeled to

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