Book of Jim: Agnostic Parables and Dick Jokes From Lucifer's Paradise by Adam Spielman

the red one?”
    “Well, maybe I will.”
    “Take it then.”
    “You know what, I’m gonna .”
    So Jim took the red balloon and the irrelevant gentleman took the blue.  And now that every fateless man had chosen a balloon, the casino staff handed out the thumb tacks.  There was some fanfare, and the owner of the casino thanked the devil for the Pussy Pact and all the fateless men for attending.  Then he said, “May fortune fuck the queen!”
    Jim took up the red balloon and the thumb tack and he popped the balloon.  Inside of it was a ticket, and the ticket was to Cleopatra’s villa by the sea.
    So all but one of the fateless men became dejected.  More dejected than any of them was the irrelevant gentleman.  Jim put a consoling hand upon his shoulder and said,
    “Cheer up, man.  You’re good luck.”
    5
    Cleopatra answered the door in an old T-shirt and sweatpants.  She ate pizza rolls from a ruby-studded chalice.  She offered him one, so he ate it, and it was alright.
    He said, “Are you Cleopatra?”
    “The seventh,” she said.  “Daughter of kings, consort to Caesars, and Isis in the flesh.” 
    “I’m Jim.”
    “Come in, Jim.  And please, don’t be shy.  Or ceremonious.  I loathe ceremonious.  Just relax and enjoy yourself.  Oh, and you’re to take this, tuck it away, and you’re not to open it until the contest is over.”
    “What is it?”  Jim took the jeweled egg and turned it over in his hands.  “It’s very pretty.”
    “I’m not sure.  I’m just the prize, as they say.  Though they don’t really say such things, do they?  But come, this way.  Fate is waiting in the sun room.”
    Jim put the egg in his pocket and followed Cleopatra through the villa by the sea.  “I’ve heard a lot about you,” he said.
    “Oh, do tell me.  What have you heard, my brave warrior of fortune?”
    “Uh, well, you’re the Queen of the Nile.  You launched a thousand ships with your face.  Um, you killed yourself with a snake because of Caesar.  And you’re, like, the most beautiful woman that ever lived.”
    Cleopatra took another pizza roll from the ruby-studded chalice.  She talked while she chewed.  “I was Pharaoh, never queen.  It was the face of Helen of Troy that launched a thousand ships.  The asp was invented by some sappy poet, and Mark Antony was never Caesar.  And I could never get rid of the arm fat.”
    She wiped some pizza roll grease on her T-shirt then demonstrated the arm fat by the jiggling of her elbow.  Jim saw that she was a bit flabby.  But before he could assure her that she wasn’t , she belched, and the moment passed.
    “Don’t take me the wrong way,” she said.  “I try not to be a bitch, but the mythology does get tiresome.  And here we are.  Fate awaits you, my brave warrior of fortune.”
    They entered the sun room.  There was the flushing of a toilet, the grunting of a throat, and then a man came out of the bathroom.  He was jagged handsome.  He wore a tailored suit without a tie and his jet black hair was ice cold.  He said to Cleopatra,
    “Who’s the interloper?”
    “This is Jim,” she said.
    “Jim.  Well, Jim, what do you say we dispense with the overture and get down to the movement?  This is a lovely villa, and I’m sure you’re fascinating company, but I’m double parked.  And if the Pharaoh mouth-farts again I might lose my chub.”
    Jim recognized him.  “Humphrey Bogart?”
    “This isn’t the beginning of a beautiful friendship, kid.  Save the woo for the lady.”
    6
    Cleopatra set three tattered board games upon the table.  She said, “It’s customary for the champion of fate to choose the final game.  I’ve got The Game of Life, Connect Four, and Hungry Hungry Hippos.”
    Humphrey said, “Fate is the devil’s word, it isn’t mine.  I don’t want any part of it.  It was my feet that got me through the door, and it’s my disposition that’ll get you in my car.  Let the kid decide, he’s good