does that Leave US?"
"What kind of movie?" I asked again, because he hadn't quite answered that the first time I asked him.
He laughed. "Not like any movie you've ever seen before. Not by a long shot."
Which after this afternoon, I could pretty much believe was true.
"It's not just movies," he said. "Think about it. It's other things »» too.
"Look," I told him, "I'm not a fag or anything, it thar's what you're thinking."
I think he must've been smiling. But it was dark, so I couldn't
"I don't think you're a fag," he told me. "I never said von were a fag."
He was right. Though I also had a hard-on from standing there talking with him. I expected him, any minute, to move in on me. But he just stood there with his hands in his pockets, not making am move at all, and I suddenly realized he wasn't going to. It this was my last chance, then I was losing it even while I was standing there waiting for it.
"We're pulling out about six," Carlos jaid. "Think about it. I want you to come, but I'm not going to say anything else."
It only he'd touch me, I thought—somehow all the rest would happen. But he just started to walk away.
"I'll think about it," I told him, though as soon as I said that, it felt like something that comes too late. Like he'd completely lost interest. I could see the tire going, <\nd shapes moving around the tire,
□ PAULRUSSELL
and hear their voices, and it made me feel empty inside, like here was this door that had opened and I'd gotten a peek inside and now it was closing. I'd never get a chance at anything like it again.
But at the same time it was just too much to think about, and I sort of shut down. "See you around, Carlos," I said, feeling all hurt and angry inside. But I don't think he heard me. Or if he did, he pretended he didn't—which is probably what really happened, now that I think about it.
I must've stood there for a minute wondering what to do, thinking maybe Carlos would come back and give me a second chance. But he didn't. I could see him settle down around the fire with everybody else, and it was pretty clear he'd totally forgotten I was even alive.
So fuck you, I thought, and hopped on my bike and rode home in the dark—something I always liked to do, sliding along with only the whirr of the bicycle tires in my ears, this cool clean sound that's like nothing else. The country roads around Owen get pretty dark at night, but I knew them by heart. I'd spent a lot oi time pedaling them up and down trying to burn off all the things in me I didn't know what else to do with.
When I got home, I didn't go up to the trailer. 1 went down into the woods and found my stash of whisky Carlos had got tor me, and 1 took the bottle that was still about halt full and walked \v,iv down in the woods, completely out of sight o\ the lights from the trailer. I sal down—it was pitch black because there wasn't any moon or anything, there weren't even any stars. I took a long swig and telt how it spread
out in nn stomach. Home at last, 1 thought, settling down to welcome
the only feeling I was ever really comfortable with, thot warm feeling
hisky in my gut.
I remember sitting there absolutely quiet, hardU able to See CVCI1 the trunks oi the trees around me, jUSt able tO Sense they were there.
and the woods were quiet except for that cicada drone that once you
ii just don't hear anymore. Aftei a fern minutes my
heai 1 Itself way up I could pick up traffic 1 knew was miles
lack people were having on then from porches
m what we called Niggertown, even the sounds little tin> In
ng while they bun >wn Inside tree trunks.
It wasn't tin- fust time I'd s " In the woods like that, just listening In m\ head. But this time I had the stror feelii King out then in maybe li w about to
the whole w me boml h U)
D
B O Y S O F L I F E □
drop, and I was waiting tor that thing to. happen, which didn't happen yet but it was going to. Every second that wen! h\ ir was more likely to happen. Now, or
"What kind of movie?" I asked again, because he hadn't quite answered that the first time I asked him.
He laughed. "Not like any movie you've ever seen before. Not by a long shot."
Which after this afternoon, I could pretty much believe was true.
"It's not just movies," he said. "Think about it. It's other things »» too.
"Look," I told him, "I'm not a fag or anything, it thar's what you're thinking."
I think he must've been smiling. But it was dark, so I couldn't
"I don't think you're a fag," he told me. "I never said von were a fag."
He was right. Though I also had a hard-on from standing there talking with him. I expected him, any minute, to move in on me. But he just stood there with his hands in his pockets, not making am move at all, and I suddenly realized he wasn't going to. It this was my last chance, then I was losing it even while I was standing there waiting for it.
"We're pulling out about six," Carlos jaid. "Think about it. I want you to come, but I'm not going to say anything else."
It only he'd touch me, I thought—somehow all the rest would happen. But he just started to walk away.
"I'll think about it," I told him, though as soon as I said that, it felt like something that comes too late. Like he'd completely lost interest. I could see the tire going, <\nd shapes moving around the tire,
□ PAULRUSSELL
and hear their voices, and it made me feel empty inside, like here was this door that had opened and I'd gotten a peek inside and now it was closing. I'd never get a chance at anything like it again.
But at the same time it was just too much to think about, and I sort of shut down. "See you around, Carlos," I said, feeling all hurt and angry inside. But I don't think he heard me. Or if he did, he pretended he didn't—which is probably what really happened, now that I think about it.
I must've stood there for a minute wondering what to do, thinking maybe Carlos would come back and give me a second chance. But he didn't. I could see him settle down around the fire with everybody else, and it was pretty clear he'd totally forgotten I was even alive.
So fuck you, I thought, and hopped on my bike and rode home in the dark—something I always liked to do, sliding along with only the whirr of the bicycle tires in my ears, this cool clean sound that's like nothing else. The country roads around Owen get pretty dark at night, but I knew them by heart. I'd spent a lot oi time pedaling them up and down trying to burn off all the things in me I didn't know what else to do with.
When I got home, I didn't go up to the trailer. 1 went down into the woods and found my stash of whisky Carlos had got tor me, and 1 took the bottle that was still about halt full and walked \v,iv down in the woods, completely out of sight o\ the lights from the trailer. I sal down—it was pitch black because there wasn't any moon or anything, there weren't even any stars. I took a long swig and telt how it spread
out in nn stomach. Home at last, 1 thought, settling down to welcome
the only feeling I was ever really comfortable with, thot warm feeling
hisky in my gut.
I remember sitting there absolutely quiet, hardU able to See CVCI1 the trunks oi the trees around me, jUSt able tO Sense they were there.
and the woods were quiet except for that cicada drone that once you
ii just don't hear anymore. Aftei a fern minutes my
heai 1 Itself way up I could pick up traffic 1 knew was miles
lack people were having on then from porches
m what we called Niggertown, even the sounds little tin> In
ng while they bun >wn Inside tree trunks.
It wasn't tin- fust time I'd s " In the woods like that, just listening In m\ head. But this time I had the stror feelii King out then in maybe li w about to
the whole w me boml h U)
D
B O Y S O F L I F E □
drop, and I was waiting tor that thing to. happen, which didn't happen yet but it was going to. Every second that wen! h\ ir was more likely to happen. Now, or
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