the underlying cotton.
"I want you to help me do something," Nathalie said.
He turned round.
He said, smiling, "Nat, you only have to ask—"
"But you won't like this."
"Won't I?"
"No. Because I've sort of broken the rules."
"What rules?"
"The pact we have. About making something of being adopted, about making it a plus not a minus?"
"Yes—"
"Well, I'm going back on that."
He waited. Nathalie realized that she was still holding the Minnie Mouse umbrella over her head even though she was inside.
She lowered it carefully to the floor, crumpling the ears.
"Dave—"
"Yes."
"I want to find my mother."
David gave a small, sharp intake of breath. He put his hands out towards her and then pulled them back abruptly and jammed
them into his jacket pockets.
"You—you can't. "
"Why not?"
"You'll upset everything. Everyone. Mum, Steve, Polly, yourself. Me. There's no point."
"I need to," Nathalie said.
He looked at her. His face was full of misery.
"But why? You never—"
She put a hand up to stop him.
"No, I never did before. I never wanted to before. Or at least, I never let myself want to. I told myself that I wasn't going
to be that kind of adopted person, lugging a grievance around and wanting people to make allowances for me. But suddenly—"
She leaned forward and looked earnestly up into his face. " Suddenly I do need to. I need to for Polly, but I need to for me. I need to stop being this person of my own creation and find out
what really happened. I need to stop feeling so separate."
He said hopelessly, "You've got me—"
"You're separate too."
" Please, Nathalie—"
She shook her head.
"Sorry, I can't not. It started with Polly's ear thing, and then I had this session with Titus's girlfriend and I could hear
myself coming out with all this stuff about being a lottery determined by no one but me except I have more numbers than most,
and I suddenly thought I can't stand this crap anymore, I can't stand hearing myself lying about liking my life story beginning
with me, I can't stand pretending any more, I can't stand not admitting that I have to confront whatever it is, whatever she is—and make good somehow."
He said, almost in a whisper, "But it's been good. It is good."
She moved to grasp the damp folds of his jacket.
"But not anymore, Dave. Something has changed or got unblocked or got released. I used to want to give back to the adoptive
process, d'you remember? When we were having such trouble making Polly, d'you remember me talking about adopting myself because
I'd been so lucky? Well, I don't believe that now. I wonder if I deep down believed it then. I want to be like people who
know where they've come from. I want Polly to know. I want to look the truth in the face even if I don't like it." She shook
his jacket. "I want to find my mother. "
"You've got a mother—"
"Shut up."
"You'll break her heart."
"Possibly. And Dad's. And maybe my own. I won't start without telling her."
David shivered.
"I suppose you want me to help you tell her?"
"Yes."
He closed his eyes.
"Let me adjust a bit. Let me think—"
"There's something else."
He opened his eyes again. She was still holding his jacket and her face was very close.
"Go on."
"I want you to do it too."
He stared.
"Me—"
"I want you to look for your mother, too. I want us to do this together."
He stepped back sharply, yanking his jacket out of her hands.
"No," he said. "Sorry."
"Dave, please, don't you see—"
He put his own hands up to his ears.
"No, Nathalie. Not that. I don't want to, I don't need to, I can't even think about it."
She stood in silence, watching him. He took his hands away from his ears.
He said, "Sorry, Nat. No. Now and forever, no. "
"Dave—"
His face was suddenly completely desolate, as if he'd heard that one of his children was hurt.
"She gave me away!" he shouted. "She bloody gave me away! "
Nathalie moved closer and slid a hand up against his cheek. He put his own
"I want you to help me do something," Nathalie said.
He turned round.
He said, smiling, "Nat, you only have to ask—"
"But you won't like this."
"Won't I?"
"No. Because I've sort of broken the rules."
"What rules?"
"The pact we have. About making something of being adopted, about making it a plus not a minus?"
"Yes—"
"Well, I'm going back on that."
He waited. Nathalie realized that she was still holding the Minnie Mouse umbrella over her head even though she was inside.
She lowered it carefully to the floor, crumpling the ears.
"Dave—"
"Yes."
"I want to find my mother."
David gave a small, sharp intake of breath. He put his hands out towards her and then pulled them back abruptly and jammed
them into his jacket pockets.
"You—you can't. "
"Why not?"
"You'll upset everything. Everyone. Mum, Steve, Polly, yourself. Me. There's no point."
"I need to," Nathalie said.
He looked at her. His face was full of misery.
"But why? You never—"
She put a hand up to stop him.
"No, I never did before. I never wanted to before. Or at least, I never let myself want to. I told myself that I wasn't going
to be that kind of adopted person, lugging a grievance around and wanting people to make allowances for me. But suddenly—"
She leaned forward and looked earnestly up into his face. " Suddenly I do need to. I need to for Polly, but I need to for me. I need to stop being this person of my own creation and find out
what really happened. I need to stop feeling so separate."
He said hopelessly, "You've got me—"
"You're separate too."
" Please, Nathalie—"
She shook her head.
"Sorry, I can't not. It started with Polly's ear thing, and then I had this session with Titus's girlfriend and I could hear
myself coming out with all this stuff about being a lottery determined by no one but me except I have more numbers than most,
and I suddenly thought I can't stand this crap anymore, I can't stand hearing myself lying about liking my life story beginning
with me, I can't stand pretending any more, I can't stand not admitting that I have to confront whatever it is, whatever she is—and make good somehow."
He said, almost in a whisper, "But it's been good. It is good."
She moved to grasp the damp folds of his jacket.
"But not anymore, Dave. Something has changed or got unblocked or got released. I used to want to give back to the adoptive
process, d'you remember? When we were having such trouble making Polly, d'you remember me talking about adopting myself because
I'd been so lucky? Well, I don't believe that now. I wonder if I deep down believed it then. I want to be like people who
know where they've come from. I want Polly to know. I want to look the truth in the face even if I don't like it." She shook
his jacket. "I want to find my mother. "
"You've got a mother—"
"Shut up."
"You'll break her heart."
"Possibly. And Dad's. And maybe my own. I won't start without telling her."
David shivered.
"I suppose you want me to help you tell her?"
"Yes."
He closed his eyes.
"Let me adjust a bit. Let me think—"
"There's something else."
He opened his eyes again. She was still holding his jacket and her face was very close.
"Go on."
"I want you to do it too."
He stared.
"Me—"
"I want you to look for your mother, too. I want us to do this together."
He stepped back sharply, yanking his jacket out of her hands.
"No," he said. "Sorry."
"Dave, please, don't you see—"
He put his own hands up to his ears.
"No, Nathalie. Not that. I don't want to, I don't need to, I can't even think about it."
She stood in silence, watching him. He took his hands away from his ears.
He said, "Sorry, Nat. No. Now and forever, no. "
"Dave—"
His face was suddenly completely desolate, as if he'd heard that one of his children was hurt.
"She gave me away!" he shouted. "She bloody gave me away! "
Nathalie moved closer and slid a hand up against his cheek. He put his own
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