now I just canât find it in myself to care. There are more interesting things in the world.
Too bad I still have to go through the motions of high school. Itâs harder than ever to convince myself that history term papers and debate tournaments and my momâs nagging are important. But thatâs life, I guess.
Wed, Nov 19
I had a chemistry test today that I totally didnât know about. Oops. It was probably announced during one of the periods I missed because I was hanging out with Ada. I guess I really have let things slide.
So, obviously, I failed it. I mean, I wasnât exactly doing great in chemistry even before, and that was when I was taking notes and paying attention and reading the chapters three times before each test. Iâve never really had a mind for it. And now Iâm skipping classes and fudging my way through the homework and zoning out so bad that I donât even realize thereâs a test coming up. Honestly, I donât know how Iâm going to come back from this. I used to calculate my average each time I got a B on a test and compute how well I needed to do on the remaining tests to bring it up to an A. But given my last couple of tests, thatâs just not possible anymore. Maybe if I got perfect scores on everything for the rest of the semester, I could still get a low B, but whatâs the point? Mom will still be furious. Stanford wonât even look at me. Itâs hard to see how itâs worth the constant struggle.
Thereâs a part of me that has always wondered . . . what would happen? What if I just let go and stopped worrying over every little thing? But I guess thatâs pretty much what Iâm doing now. Itâs weirdâitâs like, instead of being an active participant in my own life, Iâm just watching it like a movie. Waiting to see what happens to me.
Fri, Nov 21
So it turns out that once youâve decided to stop caring about your classes, school gets really boring really fast. Iâve spent somuch of my life drowning in pressure and anxiety, and I guess I always assumed that people who didnât have that must be happy and relaxed all the time. I never imagined how depressing it would be to just . . . exist.
Even eating lunch with my old friends just feels impossible now. Today Jenny and Eiko were talking about our chances for Academic Decathlon this year, and they asked my opinion and I had nothing to say. I couldnât even really follow what they were talking about. The looks they gave me . . . It would have been embarrassing, if I cared at all.
Sun, Nov 23
Iâm so bored.
Not just bored in this specific moment, from not having enough to do. God knows I have plenty to do. . . . In theory, I have tests to study for and papers to write and math team competitions to prepare for and helping Mom around the house, if I ever finish the rest of it. There is plenty of stuff to occupy my time. But I canât bring myself to do any of it, and none of it makes me less bored.
I canât stop thinking about that night with Damon. I canât stop wishing my life were more like that and less like this. Itâs like now that Iâve tasted that life, it is really hard to go back to my normal world of Mom picking on me and nagging me andnever being satisfied with anything I do. And things between us are worse than ever now that Iâve pretty much stopped trying at all. My grades are plummeting. Half the time I donât even bother going to my activities. I havenât practiced the piano in ages, and as a result, every day when I come home from school, I get the same lecture about what a disappointment I am and how I am bringing shame on the family and will never amount to anything. I could bring real shame on this family if I wanted to! Maybe I should, just to show her. Mom is so sheltered. She has no idea whatâs out there.
I think a lot about Ada, too. Not that I
Too bad I still have to go through the motions of high school. Itâs harder than ever to convince myself that history term papers and debate tournaments and my momâs nagging are important. But thatâs life, I guess.
Wed, Nov 19
I had a chemistry test today that I totally didnât know about. Oops. It was probably announced during one of the periods I missed because I was hanging out with Ada. I guess I really have let things slide.
So, obviously, I failed it. I mean, I wasnât exactly doing great in chemistry even before, and that was when I was taking notes and paying attention and reading the chapters three times before each test. Iâve never really had a mind for it. And now Iâm skipping classes and fudging my way through the homework and zoning out so bad that I donât even realize thereâs a test coming up. Honestly, I donât know how Iâm going to come back from this. I used to calculate my average each time I got a B on a test and compute how well I needed to do on the remaining tests to bring it up to an A. But given my last couple of tests, thatâs just not possible anymore. Maybe if I got perfect scores on everything for the rest of the semester, I could still get a low B, but whatâs the point? Mom will still be furious. Stanford wonât even look at me. Itâs hard to see how itâs worth the constant struggle.
Thereâs a part of me that has always wondered . . . what would happen? What if I just let go and stopped worrying over every little thing? But I guess thatâs pretty much what Iâm doing now. Itâs weirdâitâs like, instead of being an active participant in my own life, Iâm just watching it like a movie. Waiting to see what happens to me.
Fri, Nov 21
So it turns out that once youâve decided to stop caring about your classes, school gets really boring really fast. Iâve spent somuch of my life drowning in pressure and anxiety, and I guess I always assumed that people who didnât have that must be happy and relaxed all the time. I never imagined how depressing it would be to just . . . exist.
Even eating lunch with my old friends just feels impossible now. Today Jenny and Eiko were talking about our chances for Academic Decathlon this year, and they asked my opinion and I had nothing to say. I couldnât even really follow what they were talking about. The looks they gave me . . . It would have been embarrassing, if I cared at all.
Sun, Nov 23
Iâm so bored.
Not just bored in this specific moment, from not having enough to do. God knows I have plenty to do. . . . In theory, I have tests to study for and papers to write and math team competitions to prepare for and helping Mom around the house, if I ever finish the rest of it. There is plenty of stuff to occupy my time. But I canât bring myself to do any of it, and none of it makes me less bored.
I canât stop thinking about that night with Damon. I canât stop wishing my life were more like that and less like this. Itâs like now that Iâve tasted that life, it is really hard to go back to my normal world of Mom picking on me and nagging me andnever being satisfied with anything I do. And things between us are worse than ever now that Iâve pretty much stopped trying at all. My grades are plummeting. Half the time I donât even bother going to my activities. I havenât practiced the piano in ages, and as a result, every day when I come home from school, I get the same lecture about what a disappointment I am and how I am bringing shame on the family and will never amount to anything. I could bring real shame on this family if I wanted to! Maybe I should, just to show her. Mom is so sheltered. She has no idea whatâs out there.
I think a lot about Ada, too. Not that I
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