Carnage on the Committee by Ruth Dudley Edwards
Authors: Ruth Dudley Edwards
Tags: Fiction, General, Mystery & Detective, Mystery Fiction, Murder, Murder - Investigation, Amiss; Robert (Fictitious Character), Amiss, Literary Prizes, Robert (Fictitious Character)
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about our failure sufficiently to love our gay, lesbian, disabled, ethnic fellow-persons. If she had her way all the able-bodied, white, male Anglo-Saxons would be run out of the country.' She looked at him enquiringly. 'Fair assessment?'
'She's good-looking and articulate,' said Mary Lou. 'I've seen her on television.'
'That, my dear Mary Lou, is why she's come so far despite having no discernible brain and understanding nothing about the human condition,' said the baroness. 'What's the name of that idiotic book of hers, Robert?'
"We Can Be Equal if We Try. That's what got her the peerage and the Ministry for Equality.'
'She didn't last long in that job, as I remember,' said Mary Lou. 'What went wrong?'
'She was put in charge of developing equality strategies for business, and according to Georgie Prothero, Prothero, Prothero, she developed elaborate strategies to deal with discrimination that didn't just take in women, gays, lesbians, ethnic minorities, the young, the old and the disabled but also cross-dressing, sex changes and a whole host of other categories like ..." He clicked his fingers. 'Like . . .'
'Bad breath?' offered the baroness helpfully.
'Criminal convictions and I can't remember what else. Anyway her idea was that every business, institution or organisation in the country would be required by law to draw up anti-discrimination plans with quotas agreed by an equality inspectorate, with heavy penalties for noncompliance. After the prime minister read her paper he chucked her out in the next re-shuffle and put equality in the hands of someone who wasn't actually barking.'
'What's she like on the committee?'
'Still a demented social engineer. Hermione outlawed books that she thought beneath her; Rosa wanted us to have what she calls "equality-proofing".'
'I.e.?'
'She was insistent that we commit ourselves to a shortlist that would be gender-balanced and ethnically diverse.'
'Regardless of the quality of the books?'
'Of course.'
'And, what was more, she wanted any offensive books ruled out of consideration.'
'Offensive to whom?'
'Offensive to her, in her capacity as watchdog.'
The baroness looked dreamy. 'Takes me back to when Mary Lou came here first.'
'And I was an innocent ethnic pawn in your epic struggle against the thought-police.' 1
'We won that one. We'll win this one.' There was a loud knocking. 'Come in,' roared the baroness, and the door opened to reveal the agitated college secretary. 'What is it. Petunia?'
'It's no good, Mistress,' said Miss Stamp, her little head quivering under her embroidered pink Alice band. 'I can't hold them off any longer. The phone's been ringing constantly for the last hour and Mr Prothero, who seems awfully nice but ever so upset, says he'll never speak to Mr Amiss again if he doesn't ring him now and put you on. He says the press are behaving like ravening monsters and you must throw them a bone.'
Amiss looked at the baroness.
'Oh, all right. If I must, I must. Put him on and I'll sort him out.'
5
'What a fusspot! But I've set him straight, don't you think?'
The baroness handed Amiss's phone back to him. He looked at her with grudging admiration. 'You certainly know about chutzpah. Jack. Anyone would have thought you were completely on top of things.'
'I am. Didn't you dragoon me into this because you knew I would be?'
'I forget that you can be tactful when you want to be. Your paean to the Warburton was as eloquent as it was insincere.'
She gave a bark of laughter. 'It was certainly as insincere as it was eloquent. Get me Knapper.' She shoved over a piece of paper. 'Or Knapperoonie, as your little chum quaintly calls him. Here's the number of his direct line.'
'Before you talk to him, you need to know about Dervla and Hugo.'
'Why?'
'In case Knapper expects you to have heard of all the committee.'
'I'm not sitting a bloody exam.'
'All right, all right. But just in case, Dervla's a singer-stroke-actress who's our voice of yoof, and Hugo - or
'She's good-looking and articulate,' said Mary Lou. 'I've seen her on television.'
'That, my dear Mary Lou, is why she's come so far despite having no discernible brain and understanding nothing about the human condition,' said the baroness. 'What's the name of that idiotic book of hers, Robert?'
"We Can Be Equal if We Try. That's what got her the peerage and the Ministry for Equality.'
'She didn't last long in that job, as I remember,' said Mary Lou. 'What went wrong?'
'She was put in charge of developing equality strategies for business, and according to Georgie Prothero, Prothero, Prothero, she developed elaborate strategies to deal with discrimination that didn't just take in women, gays, lesbians, ethnic minorities, the young, the old and the disabled but also cross-dressing, sex changes and a whole host of other categories like ..." He clicked his fingers. 'Like . . .'
'Bad breath?' offered the baroness helpfully.
'Criminal convictions and I can't remember what else. Anyway her idea was that every business, institution or organisation in the country would be required by law to draw up anti-discrimination plans with quotas agreed by an equality inspectorate, with heavy penalties for noncompliance. After the prime minister read her paper he chucked her out in the next re-shuffle and put equality in the hands of someone who wasn't actually barking.'
'What's she like on the committee?'
'Still a demented social engineer. Hermione outlawed books that she thought beneath her; Rosa wanted us to have what she calls "equality-proofing".'
'I.e.?'
'She was insistent that we commit ourselves to a shortlist that would be gender-balanced and ethnically diverse.'
'Regardless of the quality of the books?'
'Of course.'
'And, what was more, she wanted any offensive books ruled out of consideration.'
'Offensive to whom?'
'Offensive to her, in her capacity as watchdog.'
The baroness looked dreamy. 'Takes me back to when Mary Lou came here first.'
'And I was an innocent ethnic pawn in your epic struggle against the thought-police.' 1
'We won that one. We'll win this one.' There was a loud knocking. 'Come in,' roared the baroness, and the door opened to reveal the agitated college secretary. 'What is it. Petunia?'
'It's no good, Mistress,' said Miss Stamp, her little head quivering under her embroidered pink Alice band. 'I can't hold them off any longer. The phone's been ringing constantly for the last hour and Mr Prothero, who seems awfully nice but ever so upset, says he'll never speak to Mr Amiss again if he doesn't ring him now and put you on. He says the press are behaving like ravening monsters and you must throw them a bone.'
Amiss looked at the baroness.
'Oh, all right. If I must, I must. Put him on and I'll sort him out.'
5
'What a fusspot! But I've set him straight, don't you think?'
The baroness handed Amiss's phone back to him. He looked at her with grudging admiration. 'You certainly know about chutzpah. Jack. Anyone would have thought you were completely on top of things.'
'I am. Didn't you dragoon me into this because you knew I would be?'
'I forget that you can be tactful when you want to be. Your paean to the Warburton was as eloquent as it was insincere.'
She gave a bark of laughter. 'It was certainly as insincere as it was eloquent. Get me Knapper.' She shoved over a piece of paper. 'Or Knapperoonie, as your little chum quaintly calls him. Here's the number of his direct line.'
'Before you talk to him, you need to know about Dervla and Hugo.'
'Why?'
'In case Knapper expects you to have heard of all the committee.'
'I'm not sitting a bloody exam.'
'All right, all right. But just in case, Dervla's a singer-stroke-actress who's our voice of yoof, and Hugo - or
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