Cathy Hopkins - [Mates, Dates 07] by Dates Mates, Pulling Power (Html)

Sinatra’s daughter Nancy, “These Boots Are Made For
Walking”? We ought to sing, “These Boobs Are Made For Walking”.’
    TJ patted her on the
head. ‘Keep taking the tablets, Lucy,’ she said.
    ‘Boys can’t help it,’
I said. ‘It’s their hormones. I know sometimes it’s horrible being leered at,
but it can be used to your advantage. Like my next meeting with Luke. My plan
is to buy the most uplifting fab-shaped bra there is in this shop then wear it,
so that he will be so busy looking at my marvellous chest that he won’t notice
that my mouth is full of metal.’
    ‘He’s going to look up
sometime, Nesta,’ said TJ.
    ‘And when he does,
I’ll shut my mouth. I’ll only talk when he’s looking at my cleavage.’
    ‘You’re bonkers,’
laughed Izzie.
    No, I’m not. It’s
simple, I thought. That is until we started to look for the bra. After fifteen
minutes I was totally confused. There were rails and rails of them. Not just
colours and fabrics but types: bras for total support, egoboosters, minimisers,
bras with no front, no back, balcony bras, wired, plunge, moulded, padded,
seamed, non-padded, five-way, sheer, strapless, halter-neck, crossover,
one-shoulder, bioform, sculptured, push up, multiway, T-shirt, sports, stretch
cup.They even had thermal ones.
    ‘Arghhhhhh,’ I cried.
‘I’ve seen Hitchcock’s film,
The Birds
. But now showing at a store
near you.
The Bras
. They’re mean, they’re keen, they’re taking over.’
    TJ, Izzie and Lucy
cracked up laughing as I swung five bras up in the air and made them fly like
birds.
    A shop assistant gave
me a funny look, so I put the bras back on the rails. ‘But how are you supposed
to know which one is best?’ I asked. ‘Do I need a bioform or a five-way push
up?’
    ‘I would imagine
five-way push ups are for aliens,’ said Lucy. ‘As they are the only beings who
could possibly have five boobs to push up.’
    This time it was Izzie
who patted her on the head. ‘Poor dear,’ she said. ‘We really ought not to let
you out again.’
    TJ pointed at a notice
on the wall and began to laugh. ‘God. Have you seen this?’
    We gathered round to
read the notice. ‘How to calculate your bra size,’ it said.
    ‘First you need a
degree in maths,’ said TJ. ‘Measure your ribcage, add four for an even number,
five for an odd number. Measure your full bust then subtract the bra size from
the full size to give you your cup size.’
    There was a tape
measure on the wall next to the notice.
    TJ got out her
calculator. ‘You measure and I’ll calculate,’ she said.
    Lucy got out some
paper and wrote as I measured my ribcage then round my bust. ‘Why are bras sold
in inches when the rest of the world has gone metric?’ she asked.
    ‘Dunno,’ I said. ‘But
all I wanted was to buy a bra. Not do an engineering class.’
    TJ ignored me.
‘Thirty-two B,’ she said after a few moments. ’Easy.‘
    ‘Yeah. That’s what my
mum always gets me and her method is very scientific. She guesses it. Easy.’
    We picked out a few
bras, but in the end decided that the ‘egobooster’ looked like it might give
the best cleavage effect. I picked one from the rails, took it into the
dressing room and tried it on.
    ‘Oo, matron!’ the
girls chorused as they stuck their heads round the curtain five minutes later.
    ‘Too much?’ I asked as
I took in my reflection.
    ‘You could get a
leading role in
Lethal Weapon 2
,’ said TJ laughing.
    ‘Only it would be
called
Lethal Weapons, I Have Two’
, said Lucy.
    ‘Well I think it will
definitely distract him,’ said Izzie, ‘but it might be a bit obvious turning up
to class in that when the majority of the other people are middle-aged and
dressed in baggy tracksuits.’
    I sighed. ‘So what
next?’ I asked. ‘I’ve tried headgear. Bras. Scarves.’
    ‘You could pretend
that you’re dumb,’ said TJ.
    ‘
Brilliant
idea!’ I said. ‘I could learn sign language.’
    TJ looked taken aback.
‘I was