because I thought you’d be upset, but I loved him
and I’m not hiding behind his death, I just don’t know what
anything is anymore…I just know that he’s dead and I loved him and
now my friends are gone too.”
“Shh. I knew, sweetie. Your dad and I just
didn’t know how to handle it. When we became parents we never
thought we’d have to deal with something like this. We’re trying
the best we can. Oh, baby, if I could take away all your pain and
live it for you I would.”
“You knew?”
My mom gives one of her sly mom smiles.
“I gave birth to you and raised you for
almost eighteen years. You think I can’t tell when my daughter’s in
love?”
I smile back, but smiling just makes me cry
even harder (I don’t even want to try and figure out how that
works).
“I need to take a road trip by myself. I
need to go to Minnesota.” I’m not sure what made me say it, but the
second the words come out I know they’re true. Minnesota was where
William had gone to ‘“That Place”’, and I need to go there to see
if I can find him. I need to follow his ghost and figure out my
life. It will get me away from all these people who don’t
understand what it’s like to be forced to grow up so soon. This
year was supposed to be the best year of high school ever, the year
before I left for college. I have to figure out who I am now that
William is gone, where I want to go to college, and what I want to
do with my life in just a few short months. All at the same
time.
“I know it’s hard, but your father and I
can’t just let you take off and go to a different state all alone.
You know that.”
“Of course I know that, but if I’m old
enough to die I should be old enough to live a little. I just need
to do this. I need to run away and I won’t be missing school. I’ll
check in every day. You can tell people I’m going on a college
visit. Doesn’t Aunt Karrie live in St. Paul or somewhere? I could
stay with her and then it’s not even like I’m going by myself. I
just--Mom-- I can’t…” I start crying all over again. I’m so sick of
crying all the time. I’m sick of never being in control anymore.
I’m sick of not being able to do anything about anything. “I need
to run away but I’m too scared to go without someone knowing where
I’m going. If I don’t chase him now I may lose the chance forever.
What if I lose him all over again? I just need him back. It hurts…”
I sob. I cry for just long enough to fall asleep at the table. It
always amazes me how exhausting crying can be. Anytime I cry,
really cry, the kind of tears that get your whole body involved,
all I can do afterwards is fall asleep. This time I wake up and my
parents are both there looking concerned.
“You call us at least twice a day, you’re
back by the end of the week, and you’re taking mace and a
taser.”
I can’t smile because I’m too exhausted, but
I feel at peace. I know I have to go to school tomorrow, but now I
know I’m getting away. I’m getting away and I’m going out to find
him. I’m getting away. I’m getting away! I’m getting away!
I have no idea what I’m looking for, but I
think I’m chasing that part of him I didn’t know. The part of him
that supposedly got him killed. That part of him that existed
without me. Maybe if I find him he can help me through this.
To: William Davis
Message: William! I get to visit. I’m
not sure how it happened, but I needed to get away and now I’ll
have the chance. All on my own. You’d be proud. Actually, you’d
probably be a total asshole and say something like “you sure you
can survive on your own.” You know you would…
I guess we’ll find out together, though. I’m
actually excited. Can you believe it? Me, excited about something
after doing nothing but cry and sleep for months. I know I won’t
actually see you when I get there, but maybe there’s still a part
of me that thinks I will. If you’re still there, will you let me
catch
and I’m not hiding behind his death, I just don’t know what
anything is anymore…I just know that he’s dead and I loved him and
now my friends are gone too.”
“Shh. I knew, sweetie. Your dad and I just
didn’t know how to handle it. When we became parents we never
thought we’d have to deal with something like this. We’re trying
the best we can. Oh, baby, if I could take away all your pain and
live it for you I would.”
“You knew?”
My mom gives one of her sly mom smiles.
“I gave birth to you and raised you for
almost eighteen years. You think I can’t tell when my daughter’s in
love?”
I smile back, but smiling just makes me cry
even harder (I don’t even want to try and figure out how that
works).
“I need to take a road trip by myself. I
need to go to Minnesota.” I’m not sure what made me say it, but the
second the words come out I know they’re true. Minnesota was where
William had gone to ‘“That Place”’, and I need to go there to see
if I can find him. I need to follow his ghost and figure out my
life. It will get me away from all these people who don’t
understand what it’s like to be forced to grow up so soon. This
year was supposed to be the best year of high school ever, the year
before I left for college. I have to figure out who I am now that
William is gone, where I want to go to college, and what I want to
do with my life in just a few short months. All at the same
time.
“I know it’s hard, but your father and I
can’t just let you take off and go to a different state all alone.
You know that.”
“Of course I know that, but if I’m old
enough to die I should be old enough to live a little. I just need
to do this. I need to run away and I won’t be missing school. I’ll
check in every day. You can tell people I’m going on a college
visit. Doesn’t Aunt Karrie live in St. Paul or somewhere? I could
stay with her and then it’s not even like I’m going by myself. I
just--Mom-- I can’t…” I start crying all over again. I’m so sick of
crying all the time. I’m sick of never being in control anymore.
I’m sick of not being able to do anything about anything. “I need
to run away but I’m too scared to go without someone knowing where
I’m going. If I don’t chase him now I may lose the chance forever.
What if I lose him all over again? I just need him back. It hurts…”
I sob. I cry for just long enough to fall asleep at the table. It
always amazes me how exhausting crying can be. Anytime I cry,
really cry, the kind of tears that get your whole body involved,
all I can do afterwards is fall asleep. This time I wake up and my
parents are both there looking concerned.
“You call us at least twice a day, you’re
back by the end of the week, and you’re taking mace and a
taser.”
I can’t smile because I’m too exhausted, but
I feel at peace. I know I have to go to school tomorrow, but now I
know I’m getting away. I’m getting away and I’m going out to find
him. I’m getting away. I’m getting away! I’m getting away!
I have no idea what I’m looking for, but I
think I’m chasing that part of him I didn’t know. The part of him
that supposedly got him killed. That part of him that existed
without me. Maybe if I find him he can help me through this.
To: William Davis
Message: William! I get to visit. I’m
not sure how it happened, but I needed to get away and now I’ll
have the chance. All on my own. You’d be proud. Actually, you’d
probably be a total asshole and say something like “you sure you
can survive on your own.” You know you would…
I guess we’ll find out together, though. I’m
actually excited. Can you believe it? Me, excited about something
after doing nothing but cry and sleep for months. I know I won’t
actually see you when I get there, but maybe there’s still a part
of me that thinks I will. If you’re still there, will you let me
catch
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