Our dietary needs aren’t the only thing telling us apart from humans. Alex still didn’t understand that. He thought we could play house indefinitely.
And I was burdened with the responsibility to show the man I loved that his life had changed a great deal more than he realized.
Sadness filled my heart. Had I lost too much of my humanity, or was Alex trying too hard to hold onto his? Instead of lingering on that, and slamming reality in his face, I allowed him to pull me into his fantasy, where we’d moved into our own little place and gotten a dog, and made friends with the neighbors. It was a beautiful daydream. Alex’s eyes sparkled with more life than I’d seen in them since the night of his turning, and when he laughed at our imaginary dog’s imaginary antics, I found myself joining him.
By dawn, my worries were at the back of my mind. We got into bed, and Alex cuddled me from behind. There was nothing sexual about his embrace. He just held me, and I drifted off feeling safe and happy.
Until a deep growl snapped me fully awake.
I rolled to face Alex, but he was faster, pulling my body beneath his and pinning me to the bed.
I thought he was going for some kink, until I met his gaze. His eyes looked vacant. He dug one of his hands into the soft flesh of my stomach, and squeezed my windpipe with the other. Oh, God. There was a monster holding me down, wearing my lover’s face.
I clawed at his hand, raising bloody welts on the skin, but he wouldn’t let go. Panic rose inside me. I was in no danger from lack of oxygen, but the way he balanced his weight on me was beyond painful.
I tried to call his name, wake him up—he had to be asleep; it had to be a nightmare; this wasn’t my Alex—but could manage nothing more than a whisper.
I couldn’t talk to him.
I couldn’t scream for help.
Now that he too was a vampire, he outmatched me in physical strength like a two hundred and ten pound human man outmatched a hundred and thirty pound human woman. I could possibly toss him to the ground in a karate match, but couldn’t fight him off when he already held me down. I kept trying to buck him off me anyway. Tears welled in my eyes, and sensory memory convinced me my legs had gone numb, though I rationally knew it wasn’t possible for a vampire.
“Alex,” I mouthed, “please.”
I don’t know if it was my silent plea or something else, but his weight was suddenly off me. He disappeared so fast, I couldn’t follow him with my gaze. I heard the bathroom door slam shut. His voice came muffled from the other side. “Nightmare. What the fuck…? This isn’t me. This isn’t me. This isn’t me. ”
The desperation in his voice scared me more than his attack had.
I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to put as much distance between us as possible, but the daylight held me captive in the basement, and I wasn’t going to seek refuge in Constantine’s room.
I didn’t need to run or hide. Alex wouldn’t attack me when he was fully conscious. He’d had a dream, and had fought back, not knowing it was me.
But my throat still hurt from his grip.
The water stopped running in the shower, and another hour passed, before I realized Alex wasn’t coming back anytime soon. I kept telling myself I was in no danger, even if he did, but I couldn’t relax. The thought of him getting back into bed while I was asleep sent a jolt of fear to my very core and kept me awake.
I couldn’t be afraid of my lover. He never wanted to hurt me. It wasn’t him.
Whatever his nightmares were about, they were messing with his head and they were messing with me. I thought of going to him and forcing him to come clean, but I was too much of a coward to confront him. Besides, I was sure I knew what he was dreaming of. It was his violent turning. Lying in his childhood bed. Bleeding to death.
All because he’d met me.
I didn’t want him to talk about it, because I didn’t want to hear him blame me.
I busied myself, unpacking
And I was burdened with the responsibility to show the man I loved that his life had changed a great deal more than he realized.
Sadness filled my heart. Had I lost too much of my humanity, or was Alex trying too hard to hold onto his? Instead of lingering on that, and slamming reality in his face, I allowed him to pull me into his fantasy, where we’d moved into our own little place and gotten a dog, and made friends with the neighbors. It was a beautiful daydream. Alex’s eyes sparkled with more life than I’d seen in them since the night of his turning, and when he laughed at our imaginary dog’s imaginary antics, I found myself joining him.
By dawn, my worries were at the back of my mind. We got into bed, and Alex cuddled me from behind. There was nothing sexual about his embrace. He just held me, and I drifted off feeling safe and happy.
Until a deep growl snapped me fully awake.
I rolled to face Alex, but he was faster, pulling my body beneath his and pinning me to the bed.
I thought he was going for some kink, until I met his gaze. His eyes looked vacant. He dug one of his hands into the soft flesh of my stomach, and squeezed my windpipe with the other. Oh, God. There was a monster holding me down, wearing my lover’s face.
I clawed at his hand, raising bloody welts on the skin, but he wouldn’t let go. Panic rose inside me. I was in no danger from lack of oxygen, but the way he balanced his weight on me was beyond painful.
I tried to call his name, wake him up—he had to be asleep; it had to be a nightmare; this wasn’t my Alex—but could manage nothing more than a whisper.
I couldn’t talk to him.
I couldn’t scream for help.
Now that he too was a vampire, he outmatched me in physical strength like a two hundred and ten pound human man outmatched a hundred and thirty pound human woman. I could possibly toss him to the ground in a karate match, but couldn’t fight him off when he already held me down. I kept trying to buck him off me anyway. Tears welled in my eyes, and sensory memory convinced me my legs had gone numb, though I rationally knew it wasn’t possible for a vampire.
“Alex,” I mouthed, “please.”
I don’t know if it was my silent plea or something else, but his weight was suddenly off me. He disappeared so fast, I couldn’t follow him with my gaze. I heard the bathroom door slam shut. His voice came muffled from the other side. “Nightmare. What the fuck…? This isn’t me. This isn’t me. This isn’t me. ”
The desperation in his voice scared me more than his attack had.
I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to put as much distance between us as possible, but the daylight held me captive in the basement, and I wasn’t going to seek refuge in Constantine’s room.
I didn’t need to run or hide. Alex wouldn’t attack me when he was fully conscious. He’d had a dream, and had fought back, not knowing it was me.
But my throat still hurt from his grip.
The water stopped running in the shower, and another hour passed, before I realized Alex wasn’t coming back anytime soon. I kept telling myself I was in no danger, even if he did, but I couldn’t relax. The thought of him getting back into bed while I was asleep sent a jolt of fear to my very core and kept me awake.
I couldn’t be afraid of my lover. He never wanted to hurt me. It wasn’t him.
Whatever his nightmares were about, they were messing with his head and they were messing with me. I thought of going to him and forcing him to come clean, but I was too much of a coward to confront him. Besides, I was sure I knew what he was dreaming of. It was his violent turning. Lying in his childhood bed. Bleeding to death.
All because he’d met me.
I didn’t want him to talk about it, because I didn’t want to hear him blame me.
I busied myself, unpacking
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