this place as a convenience. I haven’t got time to get curious about it. If you want to dig the dirt your best hope is old Gooseneck, especially if he finds you attractive. Goodnight.’
‘Goodnight,’ said Amiss. ‘And, of course, goodnight to Ganesh. He seems to be the sanest bloke in this place, next to us.’
‘You ain’t seen nothing yet,’ said Sunil.
----
7
« ^ »
‘How did you sleep, Robert?’
Amiss opened his eyes to see Sunil standing over him looking solicitous.
‘Fitfully,’ said Amiss gloomily. ‘I think this is the hardest bed I ever slept on in my whole life.’
‘Ah! Then you obviously didn’t go to public school like I did. The great advantage of such institutions is that they fit you for prison conditions. I can sleep anywhere for just as long as I’ve got. Did I snore?’
‘Well, a bit.’
‘Oh, dear. I was afraid of that. Sorry. The remedy is quite straightforward.’ Sunil walked over to the far side of his bed, searched among the books that stood in piles in the corner and selected half a dozen paperbacks. ‘Here you are, Robert. Just toss one of those at me any time I snore and I’ll turn on my side and shut up. Something else I learned at school.’
‘You’re very kind, Sunil.’
‘We need to be kind to each other. Nobody else in this place will be. But now, come on. It’s time you got up. Breakfast in twenty minutes.’
‘Oh, shit! And I’m on duty immediately afterwards.’
‘Aha! You’re doing breakfast, are you?Well, I think you’re going to find that an interesting experience. I’ve got the morning off. I’m going to lectures.’
Amiss jumped out of bed. He queued miserably outside the nearer of the two occupied lavatories for five minutes until it was vacated by a depressed-looking oriental, washed and shaved unhappily in cold water, put on his ridiculous uniform and ran down to breakfast.
Gooseneck presided over a table of thirty, one-third of whom were female. All except Gooseneck, Amiss and one of the girls were in ordinary clothes, and having looked at what was available for breakfast Amiss wondered why they had bothered turning up at all. Then he realised that they were presumably so poor that even a choice of cornflakes or lumpy porridge, along with underdone toast and margarine, had the overwhelming attraction of being free. He sat down beside the uniformed girl who introduced herself as Elsa from Hamburg. Unlike most of their colleagues she had fluent English, and they chatted politely as they ate. At five to eight Gooseneck took Elsa and Amiss aside for a briefing.
‘I normally try to avoid having two new people on duty simultaneously,’ he said. ‘However, on this occasion I thought it not unreasonable to take a risk. You both need training and you both speak English. It is, I can assure you, a rare event in this establishment to have not one but two newcomers with such a qualification. As you will have noticed, most of your colleagues possess an English vocabulary of no more than a dozen words.’
Amiss wondered vaguely why ffeatherstonehaugh’s head waiter should speak like a prep-school master of the 1950s. Gooseneck noticed his look of preoccupation. ‘Pay attention, dear boy. Now here are the key instructions. You serve from the left, and you lose no opportunity to call the old bastards “sir”.’ He paused, bowed towards Elsa and said, ‘I do beg your pardon. You try to keep them happy, use your common sense and come to me if you have any problems. Elsa, you will deal with tables one to seven; Robert, you take the remainder. I will help each of you according to the pressure you are under. I will also relieve you, Robert, at eight-thirty, when you take Mr Glastonbury’s tray upstairs to his bedroom. Come to me then for instructions.’
As they moved towards the green baize door he added as an afterthought, ‘Oh, and Elsa, if anyone asks you what nationality you are, say you’re Swiss.’
‘Why? I don’t want to say
‘Goodnight,’ said Amiss. ‘And, of course, goodnight to Ganesh. He seems to be the sanest bloke in this place, next to us.’
‘You ain’t seen nothing yet,’ said Sunil.
----
7
« ^ »
‘How did you sleep, Robert?’
Amiss opened his eyes to see Sunil standing over him looking solicitous.
‘Fitfully,’ said Amiss gloomily. ‘I think this is the hardest bed I ever slept on in my whole life.’
‘Ah! Then you obviously didn’t go to public school like I did. The great advantage of such institutions is that they fit you for prison conditions. I can sleep anywhere for just as long as I’ve got. Did I snore?’
‘Well, a bit.’
‘Oh, dear. I was afraid of that. Sorry. The remedy is quite straightforward.’ Sunil walked over to the far side of his bed, searched among the books that stood in piles in the corner and selected half a dozen paperbacks. ‘Here you are, Robert. Just toss one of those at me any time I snore and I’ll turn on my side and shut up. Something else I learned at school.’
‘You’re very kind, Sunil.’
‘We need to be kind to each other. Nobody else in this place will be. But now, come on. It’s time you got up. Breakfast in twenty minutes.’
‘Oh, shit! And I’m on duty immediately afterwards.’
‘Aha! You’re doing breakfast, are you?Well, I think you’re going to find that an interesting experience. I’ve got the morning off. I’m going to lectures.’
Amiss jumped out of bed. He queued miserably outside the nearer of the two occupied lavatories for five minutes until it was vacated by a depressed-looking oriental, washed and shaved unhappily in cold water, put on his ridiculous uniform and ran down to breakfast.
Gooseneck presided over a table of thirty, one-third of whom were female. All except Gooseneck, Amiss and one of the girls were in ordinary clothes, and having looked at what was available for breakfast Amiss wondered why they had bothered turning up at all. Then he realised that they were presumably so poor that even a choice of cornflakes or lumpy porridge, along with underdone toast and margarine, had the overwhelming attraction of being free. He sat down beside the uniformed girl who introduced herself as Elsa from Hamburg. Unlike most of their colleagues she had fluent English, and they chatted politely as they ate. At five to eight Gooseneck took Elsa and Amiss aside for a briefing.
‘I normally try to avoid having two new people on duty simultaneously,’ he said. ‘However, on this occasion I thought it not unreasonable to take a risk. You both need training and you both speak English. It is, I can assure you, a rare event in this establishment to have not one but two newcomers with such a qualification. As you will have noticed, most of your colleagues possess an English vocabulary of no more than a dozen words.’
Amiss wondered vaguely why ffeatherstonehaugh’s head waiter should speak like a prep-school master of the 1950s. Gooseneck noticed his look of preoccupation. ‘Pay attention, dear boy. Now here are the key instructions. You serve from the left, and you lose no opportunity to call the old bastards “sir”.’ He paused, bowed towards Elsa and said, ‘I do beg your pardon. You try to keep them happy, use your common sense and come to me if you have any problems. Elsa, you will deal with tables one to seven; Robert, you take the remainder. I will help each of you according to the pressure you are under. I will also relieve you, Robert, at eight-thirty, when you take Mr Glastonbury’s tray upstairs to his bedroom. Come to me then for instructions.’
As they moved towards the green baize door he added as an afterthought, ‘Oh, and Elsa, if anyone asks you what nationality you are, say you’re Swiss.’
‘Why? I don’t want to say
Similar Books
