Cold Heart by Lynda La Plante

out all night, and I knew about the other women. I knew he was never faithful, he always said that to me, said he could never be faithful to one woman and that I’d just have to accept that. The day before I found him, he’d been really mean to me. We argued at breakfast, and then he came down here. I came after him and he was furious, but I wouldn’t go. I said to him that if he carried on this way I’d leave him, and he said he didn’t care what I did and he laughed at me, kept on punching this thing, laughing and ignoring me. So I went and got the gun, and when I came back he was on that weight machine, and I went right up to him and I pointed it at his head, and I said that was the last time he was ever going to laugh at me.’
    Lorraine still said nothing, but was interested to note that Cindy was calm now, her mind focused on what she was saying.
    ‘He looked at me, then he reached out and pulled the gun over so it was almost in his mouth and he told me to fire it.’
    ‘And?’
    Cindy sighed. ‘I did. I pulled the trigger, but it wasn’t loaded.’ She pushed away the punch-bag, which began to swing slowly. ‘He got up from the bench and hit me in the stomach. I fell backwards onto the floor and he kept on coming towards me, but he stepped right over me and walked into the showers. I screamed at him that I would get him the next time. Next time the gun would be loaded.’ She rubbed her belly. ‘Punched me right in the baby, and it hurt so bad I was sick, but he made me get dressed and go out for dinner at Morton’s, and he told everyone what I’d done, and they all laughed. He kept on fooling around at dinner with this baby zucchini as the gun, shoving it into his mouth, and everyone laughed, and I got so upset I was crying, but I wasn’t going to stay and be made a fool of. So I got up and I shouted it out. I said the next time he wouldn’t live to tell anybody anything because the next time I’d make sure I killed him.’
    Cindy went to fetch another Diet Coke. This time she drank it from the can. ‘He didn’t come home. I waited and waited, and it was six o’clock in the morning when he came back. He was in his dressing room, taking his clothes off, when I went in to see him. He just told me to get out, but I wouldn’t. I said he shouldn’t make a fool of me in front of people like he had done, but he just kept on choosing which shirt he was going to wear, ignoring me again.’
    Lorraine waited while Cindy sipped the Coke.
    ‘I went into the bedroom to get the gun. I meant it, I was going to kill him, and I’d just figured out how to load it, but I couldn’t remember where it was, or if I’d taken it from the gym. I was looking all over the room for it when he strolled in all dressed up and Jose knocked on the door.’ Cindy frowned as she tried to recall the details.
    ‘Jose said that the car needed to be serviced, and did Harry need it after his breakfast meeting at seven. Harry said he didn’t. He’d had a long, hard night and he’d just sit by the pool reading scripts after his meeting. Then . . . he started laughing and he told Jose that I’d threatened to kill him again and that Jose was his witness that I was a real flake, a psychiatric case. He knows how upset I get about him saying things like that because I’ve had, you know, some problems.’
    Lorraine shifted her weight. ‘Problems?’ she said gently.
    ‘Mmmm, I have these . . . kind of bad days, you know. I get depressed, uptight about things, angry.’
    ‘Can you go back to what you were saying about when your husband and Jose were talking in the bedroom? What happened then?’
    ‘Oh, yeah. Well, Harry left. And I went back to bed. I’d had such a bad night I told Juana not to disturb me. I couldn’t sleep, so I got up and went out on the balcony to lie in the sun, and I guess I must have gone to sleep there. I had a nightmare, me shooting Harry, like I’d threatened to do, and something woke me up – well, I