Collected Plays and Teleplays (Irish Literature) by Flann O’Brien

friends that it is my duty to offer them my services as their representative in Doll Erin.
    SHAW: Very good. Then we know each other, we know where we are. Allow me to tell you, sir, that you are a cad.
    MARGARET: ( Distressed. ) James!
    SHAW: ( Ignoring her. ) Do you hear me? A cad, a rotter and a bounder!
    KELLY: ( Angrily. ) How dare you talk to me like that! How dare you!
    SHAW: I have not finished with you, sir. I have called you a cad. I now call you an unspeakable cur.
    KELLY: ( Shouting to MARGARET and striding past SHAW to the other side of the stage. ) What the devil is this all about? How dare you use language like that to me! Margaret, what is wrong with this man?
    SHAW: ( Facing sternly to KELLY again. ) Kindly leave my sister out of this. You have damaged and destroyed her fair name enough already. If you were a younger man I should invite you to step outside. What your type of person wants is a damn good hiding——
    TOWN CLERK: ( Coming forward uneasily. ) Now for God’s sake we don’t want any fightin’. What we want is explanations. Explanations.
    MARGARET: ( Retreating and collapsing in despair in armchair near fire. ) O, my God!
    KELLY: ( In a hard, low voice. ) You say that your name is Captain Shaw. Very good. I am trying to keep my temper. I demand—and at once—an explanation of your last calumnious and insulting utterance. Otherwise I will have to consider asking the Town Clerk to call a Guard. I will have you given in charge for criminal libel!
    MARGARET: ( Moaning. ) O dear, dear, dear.
    SHAW: I’ll tell you very briefly what you are, you cad. My sister, Margaret, does not understand the world. You have destroyed her good name. You have spent whole nights in this house. You have given her the reputation of . . . a jezebel . . . a prostitute. . . .
    MARGARET: ( Her voice rising to a scream. ) James!
    SHAW: ( Continuing steadily. ) You have given her the reputation of a prostitute in her own town, you low bounder. You have extracted money from her. You have made her the tool of your greed for power and position and for that social standing—for that social position—which always seems so attractive to a low country public-house keeper. You have made her the tool of your vulgar and nauseating bid to become an Irish M.P.
    KELLY: ( Very quietly, and turning away from SHAW .) I ask God to give me the grace to control my temper.
    MARGARET: ( Rising up angrily and confronting her brother. ) James, you ought to be thoroughly ashamed of yourself. How dare you talk about me like that? How dare you say I am an evil woman!
    SHAW: I said that this rotter has given you that name in this town.
    KELLY: ( Exploding. ) How dare you! How dare you!
    MARGARET: And what do you mean by walking into this room and making wild and base attacks on Mr. Kelly, a gentleman you never saw before in your life? Who told you those lies?
    KELLY: What poisonous tongue or pen has been sowing discord and slander and calumny?
    SHAW: Have you spent nights in this house up to five and six in the morning? Have you received large sums of money from my sister? Did you cash a cheque of hers for forty pounds last Thursday to pay a printing bill?
    TOWN CLERK: Mrs. Crockett is de Treasurer of de Election Committee. We put de election funds into de bank and den de Treasurer writes de cheques.
    SHAW: Who the devil are you?
    TOWN CLERK: ( Sweetly. ) A mimber of the gineral public.
    MARGARET: ( To SHAW .) You have disgraced me and yourself.
    SHAW: Now, old girl, you please keep out of this disgusting business. I am here because it is my duty to be here. I am your brother and I am the head of the family——
    MARGARET: You have never since I was born—since I was born—done anything but meddle with me—and tell tales on me—and interfere with me. ( Her voice rises hysterically. ) You tried your best to have my own money bottled up with trustees, you tried——
    SHAW: Now, for heaven’s sake don’t make a scene. ( The door bell rings.