it at the grocery store this afternoon.” Jared balanced a huge platter of burgers and brats as he went inside. We all followed him, filling our plates with too much food before coming back out to the patio, where we ate and drank, enjoying the descending night. Laughter rolled through their yard, voices free and kind.
I allowed myself to relax into their peace, for once letting myself go.
Three glasses of wine and a full plate later, I was stuffed and satisfied.
“Dinner was delicious, Jared. Thank you.”
He smiled over at me from where he rested on his chair, his booted foot casually tilting him back as he sipped at a beer. “It was good to have you here.” His expression shifted, searching, as if from across the table his ice blue eyes could see right through me, working to define my intentions, figuring out if I was the same girl Christopher had rescued and then destroyed.
Sometimes I thought if Christopher had just left me for the vultures who flocked around me in high school, I would have fared better.
Maybe Jared recognized that I was not the same – simply because it was Christopher who had changed me – because his eyes narrowed infinitesimally, as if maybe he was just now asking himself all those questions I’d been silently asking for so many years.
But deep inside me, pieces of that shy girl remained, the one who’d so stupidly fallen hard and fallen fast.
A crush,
my mother had said.
But crushes didn’t last for years. They didn’t tear you up and rip you apart.
On a heavy exhale, I stood, for a moment needing to remove myself. “Can I use your restroom?”
“It’s right down the hall,” Aly answered.
“Thank you,” I said as I excused myself, hating the bipolar mess I seemed to be, one second getting all cozy in their house and the next again having that overwhelming urge to run.
In the guest bathroom, I freshened up, hoping to clear my head. Studying myself in the mirror, I dug in my pocket for the tube of lip gloss. I smeared the clear, shimmery gel over my red lips, puckered them before they spread out into their natural pout. My blue eyes were sad and soft, as if they were letting me glimpse the state of my heart after spending the evening with these amazing people.
I blew back my bangs and tucked my lip gloss away, unlocked the door, and ventured out.
Stepping into the hall, I froze, and my heart lifted to my throat in the same moment my stomach completely bottomed out. My feet faltered and I reached for the wall with my shaking hand, catching myself before I fell to the ground.
Because being here had done exactly what I’d anticipated it would do, what I’d secretly hoped would happen even if more and more being here had become about spending time with Aly and her family.
It had brought me face-to-face with Christopher.
Only he hadn’t seen me in the shadows of the darkened hall, and he had no clue I was there. I watched him, my fingers digging into the textured wall to keep from falling to my knees.
God, how many times had I imagined this? Seeing him again. What it would feel like, if it’d feel the same or less or more, if I’d burn up with desire or if I’d realize the years had only exaggerated the memories of him, building him up into something he was not.
What I never imagined was he would crush me anew.
As much as I wanted to look away, my gaze was locked on the boy who held every piece of my heart. There was no question of it now. No denying what I felt or the way he affected me.
Only now he was no longer a boy, but a man. From my vantage I watched as he smiled his cocky smile, predatory, both warning and promising his prey of the plunder and pillage he was getting ready to unleash on her. He oozed danger and menace, all of that wrapped up in one big, playful bow. His perfect jaw clenched as a tease fluttered all over his full lips, his green eyes gleaming as they prowled over some girl he’d brought with him. She faced away from me, facing him.
He
I allowed myself to relax into their peace, for once letting myself go.
Three glasses of wine and a full plate later, I was stuffed and satisfied.
“Dinner was delicious, Jared. Thank you.”
He smiled over at me from where he rested on his chair, his booted foot casually tilting him back as he sipped at a beer. “It was good to have you here.” His expression shifted, searching, as if from across the table his ice blue eyes could see right through me, working to define my intentions, figuring out if I was the same girl Christopher had rescued and then destroyed.
Sometimes I thought if Christopher had just left me for the vultures who flocked around me in high school, I would have fared better.
Maybe Jared recognized that I was not the same – simply because it was Christopher who had changed me – because his eyes narrowed infinitesimally, as if maybe he was just now asking himself all those questions I’d been silently asking for so many years.
But deep inside me, pieces of that shy girl remained, the one who’d so stupidly fallen hard and fallen fast.
A crush,
my mother had said.
But crushes didn’t last for years. They didn’t tear you up and rip you apart.
On a heavy exhale, I stood, for a moment needing to remove myself. “Can I use your restroom?”
“It’s right down the hall,” Aly answered.
“Thank you,” I said as I excused myself, hating the bipolar mess I seemed to be, one second getting all cozy in their house and the next again having that overwhelming urge to run.
In the guest bathroom, I freshened up, hoping to clear my head. Studying myself in the mirror, I dug in my pocket for the tube of lip gloss. I smeared the clear, shimmery gel over my red lips, puckered them before they spread out into their natural pout. My blue eyes were sad and soft, as if they were letting me glimpse the state of my heart after spending the evening with these amazing people.
I blew back my bangs and tucked my lip gloss away, unlocked the door, and ventured out.
Stepping into the hall, I froze, and my heart lifted to my throat in the same moment my stomach completely bottomed out. My feet faltered and I reached for the wall with my shaking hand, catching myself before I fell to the ground.
Because being here had done exactly what I’d anticipated it would do, what I’d secretly hoped would happen even if more and more being here had become about spending time with Aly and her family.
It had brought me face-to-face with Christopher.
Only he hadn’t seen me in the shadows of the darkened hall, and he had no clue I was there. I watched him, my fingers digging into the textured wall to keep from falling to my knees.
God, how many times had I imagined this? Seeing him again. What it would feel like, if it’d feel the same or less or more, if I’d burn up with desire or if I’d realize the years had only exaggerated the memories of him, building him up into something he was not.
What I never imagined was he would crush me anew.
As much as I wanted to look away, my gaze was locked on the boy who held every piece of my heart. There was no question of it now. No denying what I felt or the way he affected me.
Only now he was no longer a boy, but a man. From my vantage I watched as he smiled his cocky smile, predatory, both warning and promising his prey of the plunder and pillage he was getting ready to unleash on her. He oozed danger and menace, all of that wrapped up in one big, playful bow. His perfect jaw clenched as a tease fluttered all over his full lips, his green eyes gleaming as they prowled over some girl he’d brought with him. She faced away from me, facing him.
He
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