beautiful casket and bury him in the blanket Trish knitted for him. Every day, I’ll visit him at his grave.
My perfect Thomas.
Jackson’s phone rings and he breaks away from us to answer it. His voice is hushed as he quietly speaks to someone. I don’t pay attention though. All I care about is my sweet Thomas.
My eyes burn and my chest aches. With each breath, I feel slumber trying to steal me away from my baby. Desperately, I fight to stay awake. What did that damn nurse give me?
After his phone call, Jackson rejoins us. He looks haggard and stressed to the max. I want to comfort him, but I have nothing left to give right now. Instead, my sleepy eyes find their way back to my precious little angel.
Baby number eight. My Thomas.
“I’m so sleepy, but I can’t let go of him.”
Jackson’s lips press into a firm line, and he looks like he hates himself for what he’s about to say. I want to tell him to not say it, but he blurts it out before I can stop him.
“The medicine is kicking in, Andi. Tell him goodbye. They’ll need to take him to the funeral home, and I’m not sure how long you’ll sleep for. Now is your chance to tell him goodbye.”
I shake my head, but my eyes droop against my will. After dragging my eyes over to Thomas again, I stare at him, memorizing each one of his tiny features. Over and over again, I press loving kisses to my son’s face. I smell him. I hug him. I sing to him. I cry over him.
When my head falls forward, I realize I’m losing the battle.
It’s time.
Our final goodbye.
“I love you, baby boy.”
And that is the last time I hold my sweet Thomas.
“Son, I’m so sorry,” Mom sobs when I reenter the waiting room.
After watching Andi for a good half hour while she slept holding our sweet son, I finally gave him back to the nurse. And now—now, I can’t stop fucking crying.
This will end Andi. Hell, it’s nearly ending me. But Andi? Andi can’t take this.
I feel my mother’s warm, comforting arms hug me, and very soon after, I feel the strong ones of my brother as we all cry together. There are other voices in the waiting room—voices I recognize—but I can’t be bothered to see who all came to visit.
“What are we going to do?” I huff and try my damnedest to get the tears to stop.
Mom pulls away and looks into my eyes. Hers are pink and swollen. “Jackie, you’re going to keep going. It’s all that you can do. Not to mention, there’s another baby in the nursery right now who needs his daddy.”
Tyler.
God, I want to throw up.
Andi will resent him. I can feel it all the way down to my toes. How will I find a way to love Tyler when all I can do is grieve the loss of Thomas? It was so fucking stupid to have gone along with this adoption.
“Mom, I don’t know if I can do it,” I murmur.
She shakes her head and her voice becomes an angry growl. “Too damn bad, Jackson Compton. Tyler is every bit your son as Thomas is. He needs his father. By law, he’s your son now, and I won’t sit here and watch you deny him. It’s not right, Jackie.”
Anger swells in my chest. “I can’t do it!” I roar as I jerk away from her and Jordan’s grasp.
Mom doesn’t let me get away that easily though. “You can and you will. That’s enough, Jackson. Get in there. Now.”
Feeling damn sorry for myself, I storm away from them and back through the double doors. This time, I go the opposite direction of Andi even though my heart calls to be with her. I find a nurses’ station and ding the bell twenty or more annoying times before an agitated nurse rounds the corner. When she sees my face, though, she softens her features.
“Can I help you, sir?”
“I’m here to see Tyler . . . Tyler Compton.”
After she verifies my identification against the hospital records that indicate that I’m the father, she places a security bracelet on my wrist.
“Come on. I’ll take you to a private visiting area. Someone will bring in Tyler shortly. And, sir,
My perfect Thomas.
Jackson’s phone rings and he breaks away from us to answer it. His voice is hushed as he quietly speaks to someone. I don’t pay attention though. All I care about is my sweet Thomas.
My eyes burn and my chest aches. With each breath, I feel slumber trying to steal me away from my baby. Desperately, I fight to stay awake. What did that damn nurse give me?
After his phone call, Jackson rejoins us. He looks haggard and stressed to the max. I want to comfort him, but I have nothing left to give right now. Instead, my sleepy eyes find their way back to my precious little angel.
Baby number eight. My Thomas.
“I’m so sleepy, but I can’t let go of him.”
Jackson’s lips press into a firm line, and he looks like he hates himself for what he’s about to say. I want to tell him to not say it, but he blurts it out before I can stop him.
“The medicine is kicking in, Andi. Tell him goodbye. They’ll need to take him to the funeral home, and I’m not sure how long you’ll sleep for. Now is your chance to tell him goodbye.”
I shake my head, but my eyes droop against my will. After dragging my eyes over to Thomas again, I stare at him, memorizing each one of his tiny features. Over and over again, I press loving kisses to my son’s face. I smell him. I hug him. I sing to him. I cry over him.
When my head falls forward, I realize I’m losing the battle.
It’s time.
Our final goodbye.
“I love you, baby boy.”
And that is the last time I hold my sweet Thomas.
“Son, I’m so sorry,” Mom sobs when I reenter the waiting room.
After watching Andi for a good half hour while she slept holding our sweet son, I finally gave him back to the nurse. And now—now, I can’t stop fucking crying.
This will end Andi. Hell, it’s nearly ending me. But Andi? Andi can’t take this.
I feel my mother’s warm, comforting arms hug me, and very soon after, I feel the strong ones of my brother as we all cry together. There are other voices in the waiting room—voices I recognize—but I can’t be bothered to see who all came to visit.
“What are we going to do?” I huff and try my damnedest to get the tears to stop.
Mom pulls away and looks into my eyes. Hers are pink and swollen. “Jackie, you’re going to keep going. It’s all that you can do. Not to mention, there’s another baby in the nursery right now who needs his daddy.”
Tyler.
God, I want to throw up.
Andi will resent him. I can feel it all the way down to my toes. How will I find a way to love Tyler when all I can do is grieve the loss of Thomas? It was so fucking stupid to have gone along with this adoption.
“Mom, I don’t know if I can do it,” I murmur.
She shakes her head and her voice becomes an angry growl. “Too damn bad, Jackson Compton. Tyler is every bit your son as Thomas is. He needs his father. By law, he’s your son now, and I won’t sit here and watch you deny him. It’s not right, Jackie.”
Anger swells in my chest. “I can’t do it!” I roar as I jerk away from her and Jordan’s grasp.
Mom doesn’t let me get away that easily though. “You can and you will. That’s enough, Jackson. Get in there. Now.”
Feeling damn sorry for myself, I storm away from them and back through the double doors. This time, I go the opposite direction of Andi even though my heart calls to be with her. I find a nurses’ station and ding the bell twenty or more annoying times before an agitated nurse rounds the corner. When she sees my face, though, she softens her features.
“Can I help you, sir?”
“I’m here to see Tyler . . . Tyler Compton.”
After she verifies my identification against the hospital records that indicate that I’m the father, she places a security bracelet on my wrist.
“Come on. I’ll take you to a private visiting area. Someone will bring in Tyler shortly. And, sir,
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