Damsel Disaster! by Peter Bently

sign:

    “Quick, Sir Percy, in here!” I hissed.
    We crammed ourselves into the royal loo just as the chamber door opened.
    “What on earth is going on, Countess?” I heard the princess say. “What’s Sir Roland doing in the castle? I ordered himto wait outside!”
    “Indeed, Your Highness,” said the High Steward. “But young Peggy answered the door and there he was with that weedy squire of his. She managed to keep out his squire, but Sir Roland barged in demanding to see you!”
    “Me?” said the princess. “It’s not
me
he’s after. He just ran straight past me jabbering on about some
other
woman. Men are so fickle! I didn’t fancy him anyway, great hairy brute. Who do you think he’s after? Surely not one of the servants?”
    “Who else? There are no other ladies in the castle,” declared the High Steward. “Hold on. Maybe it was that girl wholocked me in the servants’ privy. Aha! Yes, that’s it! She tricked me so she could meet Sir Roland!”
    Nice one, Patchcoat!
    “What? A
servant
locked you in the
privy
?” gasped the princess.
    “Yes, Your Highness. She was with you when I saw you earlier. After you’d changed your dress. Though I see you’ve changed back again.”
    “I don’t know
who
you saw earlier,” said the princess, “but it definitely wasn’t me. I’ve worn this dress all day.”
    “Really, Your Highness?” said the High Steward. “How very odd.”
    “Indeed,” said the princess. “Anyway,how did you get out of the privy?”
    “The cook eventually heard me calling,” said the High Steward.
    “Well, we’d better catch Sir Roland
and
that girl who locked you up,” said the princess. “Now, here’s what we’ll do…”
    The princess must have turned away because I didn’t catch the rest. I just heard the High Steward saying, “Very good, Your Highness,” and then footsteps leaving the chamber. I guessed the High Steward had left the princess alone in the chamber.
    I pressed my ear to the privy door and heard a slight chink and a glugging noise.
    I turned to Sir Percy. “I think the princess is drinking the potion!”
    But then I heard a voice splutter “Ugh!” followed by footsteps rapidly heading in our direction!
    “Sir Percy! She’s coming this way!” I hissed.
    “What?” panicked Sir Percy. “Hide, Cedric! Whatever happens the princess must see
me
first!”
    Hide? In a loo? In a panic I managed to squeeze myself to one side of the door just as the person outside flung it open.
    “This lemonade is disgusting!” she said. “The only place for it is down the privy!”
    But the person clutching the lemonade jug wasn’t the princess at all. It was the High Steward!

Chapter Nine
Castle Kiss Chase
    “Good heavens!” screeched the High Steward. “Sir Percy! What on earth is the meaning of … of…”
    She stopped. I slid out from behind the door to see her eyes going all goofy and soppy.
    Uh-oh.
    “Your S-Stewardship!” stutteredSir Percy. “I – I – can explain… You see, I thought you were the princess…”
    “The princess? Don’t worry, my darling, Her Highness won’t disturb us! She has gone to speak to the guards about some
naughty
knights,” she said dreamily. “Oh, Sir Percy! You look so
handsome
in that dress!” The High Steward pushed Sir Percy on to the loo seat, plumped herself on his lap and threw her arms round his neck. “Now, Sir Percy, how about a tiny little peck?”
    “Oh – er – m-my dear lady!” he stammered. “There appears to be – to be – some mistake!”
    “Mistake? Oh, you
are
a joker,Sir Percy!” warbled the High Steward. “I knew it when I first saw you! Imagine the fun we’ll have when we’re married!”
    “Married?” squawked Sir Percy. “Cedric, do something!”
    He wriggled frantically. But the High Steward didn’t budge.

    “What an excellent game, my darling!” she trilled. “What shall we play next?”
    I saw my chance. “Er – hide-and-seek!” I said. “Sir Percy loves