heart knows I must because it has a direct connection to my children.
It’s unfair to expect Jeremy to understand that; it’s impossible until you become a parent. I’ve never known a love like it. But his love for me is so strong I feel like I’m bound to him in invisible chains. Chains I couldn’t bear for him to unlock, chains that are wrapped so tightly around me I don’t think my heart would continue to beat without them.
And now this. Ensuring I stay open to him, taking me on his wave of desire and not letting me off until I’m at one with the serenity he has created. It’s this peace, this silent pulsing energy that completes me, heals me from within. I’ve never been able to achieve that state unless he leads me there. It’s only when I truly surrender to him, his desire, his love, that I can reach such unity and perfection. I’m floating, I’m drained, I’m desperately in love and dreadfully scaredof the consequences for my loved ones if I accept his hand and embark on a different path.
I let my mind remember simpler days, easier times when he wasn’t part of my life. Like the family’s favourite place in the Huon Valley, watching platypus frolic in the stream after the kayaks had been laid to rest, and the kids riding Rusty the pig and milking Honey the cow, the milk to be turned into scrumptious soft Brie over time. Sitting by the campfire with fresh, steaming hot damper, singing and dancing to folk songs from the past as the sun sank behind the lush green hills of the valley’s fertile lands. Or skinny dipping in the perfect water rolling into Wineglass Bay at Freycinet Peninsula, its saltiness tantalising our skin and its freshness awakening our senses long after the hiking tourists have disappeared. The shining sun lengthening summer days and squeezing the darkness of night into its shortest hours of the year. Such abundant, natural beauty surrounding me, wrapping around my body and restoring my vital essence, but even then, in the midst of all of that, I still knew deep down something was missing, that there was a hole in my soul that yearned to be filled.
It dawns on me how much I long for the peace and solitude nature provides me, how much I have missed this sense of tranquillity. The recent events of my life have been hurling me into the unknown, epitomised by my time at Xsade’s laboratory, so artificial, so contrived. I feel as though I’ve lost touch with the core of my human nature. Fear trembles through my bodyat the thought of re-entering that soulless environment in the next week.
‘Alexa, are you back? Are you okay?’ I feel his soft lips whisper against my ear and my groin responds instantly, as if his voice is invisibly connected to my inner sex. You’d think it had been neglected for years instead of minutes.
‘No. Not quite, still far away.’ I feel him snuggle my body tighter into our spooned position on the sun lounge.
‘Don’t leave me, J. I need you as much as life itself.’
‘As I need you, sweetheart.’
It would be so much easier if I could just promise him the same thing in return. The truth is his words fill me with both comfort and fear.
Whether it’s the alcohol, our lovemaking on the rooftop, or not being responsible for children for a few hours — perhaps all three — it feels really nice knowing my emotions are comfortably numb for the first time in a long time.
Robert, Adam and the kids eventually come home and I’m finally in a better state to interact with them normally, rather than as a crumpled heap on the floor. We still haven’t worked out any details regarding our short-term plans and none of us want to discuss anything until the kids are in bed. They appear to have adjusted incredibly well to having the four of us around and shriek with delight and responses of ‘awesome’ and ‘that’s so cool’ when Robert informs them everyone will be staying a night or two, and it’s no wonder — theyhave discovered they will be sleeping
It’s unfair to expect Jeremy to understand that; it’s impossible until you become a parent. I’ve never known a love like it. But his love for me is so strong I feel like I’m bound to him in invisible chains. Chains I couldn’t bear for him to unlock, chains that are wrapped so tightly around me I don’t think my heart would continue to beat without them.
And now this. Ensuring I stay open to him, taking me on his wave of desire and not letting me off until I’m at one with the serenity he has created. It’s this peace, this silent pulsing energy that completes me, heals me from within. I’ve never been able to achieve that state unless he leads me there. It’s only when I truly surrender to him, his desire, his love, that I can reach such unity and perfection. I’m floating, I’m drained, I’m desperately in love and dreadfully scaredof the consequences for my loved ones if I accept his hand and embark on a different path.
I let my mind remember simpler days, easier times when he wasn’t part of my life. Like the family’s favourite place in the Huon Valley, watching platypus frolic in the stream after the kayaks had been laid to rest, and the kids riding Rusty the pig and milking Honey the cow, the milk to be turned into scrumptious soft Brie over time. Sitting by the campfire with fresh, steaming hot damper, singing and dancing to folk songs from the past as the sun sank behind the lush green hills of the valley’s fertile lands. Or skinny dipping in the perfect water rolling into Wineglass Bay at Freycinet Peninsula, its saltiness tantalising our skin and its freshness awakening our senses long after the hiking tourists have disappeared. The shining sun lengthening summer days and squeezing the darkness of night into its shortest hours of the year. Such abundant, natural beauty surrounding me, wrapping around my body and restoring my vital essence, but even then, in the midst of all of that, I still knew deep down something was missing, that there was a hole in my soul that yearned to be filled.
It dawns on me how much I long for the peace and solitude nature provides me, how much I have missed this sense of tranquillity. The recent events of my life have been hurling me into the unknown, epitomised by my time at Xsade’s laboratory, so artificial, so contrived. I feel as though I’ve lost touch with the core of my human nature. Fear trembles through my bodyat the thought of re-entering that soulless environment in the next week.
‘Alexa, are you back? Are you okay?’ I feel his soft lips whisper against my ear and my groin responds instantly, as if his voice is invisibly connected to my inner sex. You’d think it had been neglected for years instead of minutes.
‘No. Not quite, still far away.’ I feel him snuggle my body tighter into our spooned position on the sun lounge.
‘Don’t leave me, J. I need you as much as life itself.’
‘As I need you, sweetheart.’
It would be so much easier if I could just promise him the same thing in return. The truth is his words fill me with both comfort and fear.
Whether it’s the alcohol, our lovemaking on the rooftop, or not being responsible for children for a few hours — perhaps all three — it feels really nice knowing my emotions are comfortably numb for the first time in a long time.
Robert, Adam and the kids eventually come home and I’m finally in a better state to interact with them normally, rather than as a crumpled heap on the floor. We still haven’t worked out any details regarding our short-term plans and none of us want to discuss anything until the kids are in bed. They appear to have adjusted incredibly well to having the four of us around and shriek with delight and responses of ‘awesome’ and ‘that’s so cool’ when Robert informs them everyone will be staying a night or two, and it’s no wonder — theyhave discovered they will be sleeping
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