butt-humping, my friend Larry brought over a bootleg copy of Behind the Candelabra , and we watched it in my den under a blanket. It’s the HBO movie about Liberace and his boy toy, Scott Thorson. It was touching and sad and the sex scene was so sweet. The sight of a sixty-eight-year-old Polish immigrant getting drilled through the headboard by an underage street urchin brought a tear to my eye. This is what makes America great.
Michael Douglas, who plays Liberace, and Matt Damon, who plays his boyfriend, Scott (maybe just a bit too convincingly as a homo), are in bed having just finished a marathon fuck-fest and Scott, who is supposed to be sixteen, asks Liberace how he managed to stay hard all night long. And Liberace tells him he’s had penile implants. I don’t know if that means his junk will rust during a blow job, but I was quite impressed.
Implants just take the worry out of sex. If only I could have had something comparable, like a drawstring on my vagina. My marriage would have been so much happier. “Wanna little nookie, Edgar?” I’d just pull it tight. Time to pop out Melissa? I’d loosen it up! I wish I had known God when he was creating us (I was born two years later)—I don’t think the man was paying attention. Maybe he was preoccupied watching Gwyneth Paltrow jamming a gluten-free cupcake into her skeletal frame and thinking, “My bad.”
APRIL 20
Dear Diary:
Tonight I watched Game of Thrones on TV. I’m tired of hearing what a great actor Peter Dinklage is. “He’s so good you don’t even know he’s a dwarf!” I don’t even know he’s on the show half the time ’cause he’s below the frame in medium shots. And in the long shots when they dress him in dark colors I often mistake him for a tree stump or a large family pet.
You definitely know Peter’s a dwarf. I saw him in The Sound of Music . He’s one third the size of the smallest von Trapp child. When Marie sang “Climb Every Mountain,” he begged for a Sherpa to help him hike across the lip of the stage. I read an interview with Peter where he said that as a dwarf he would never demean himself by playing a Christmas elf. Hey, Tiny, here’s a newsflash—you’re the only famous dwarf in Hollywood. Whatever part you want, you get. When there’s a casting call for a dwarf, your name’s the only one on the sign-up sheet. What are you, crazy? I’d play a mean, humpbacked old Jew in a second if they asked, except that Christian bitch Jane Fonda always gets those roles. Your fellow dwarves would be happy to work at the North Pole, so get off your self-righteous booster chair and have a moment of gratitude. Although I must admit he is a fabulous actor.
APRIL 21
Dear Diary:
And while we’re at it, why are there no dwarves on The Walking Dead ? Are there no zombie dwarves? Something is very wrong. Why is it that when they all come tumbling toward me, bloody as shit, they’re all five-foot-eight and over?
I also started wondering if dwarves are well hung. Midgets are probably not because everything about them is in proportion—it’s all the same size, all small.
Dwarves are another case. They have little arms and legs, but sturdy torsos and massive heads. They must fit into the bell curve like the rest of humanity—some are well hung, some are not, and I’m sure that Japanese dwarves look like Brillo pads with buttons. A lot of dwarves are very virile, case in point, the late great Michael Dunn, who said to Tina Louise, “If you’ve never been with a dwarf, get ready, because I am going to make the most passionate, wildest, craziest love to you.” And she said, “If you do and I find out, I’m going to be very upset.”
APRIL 22
Dear Diary:
When I’m stressed I do one of two things: I draw a warm bath, get in, take my teeth out, put on Eminem’s “The Real Slim Shady” and just drift. Or I watch old movies for comfort. Today I chose the latter and went to bed early and watched Children of a Lesser God on
Michael Douglas, who plays Liberace, and Matt Damon, who plays his boyfriend, Scott (maybe just a bit too convincingly as a homo), are in bed having just finished a marathon fuck-fest and Scott, who is supposed to be sixteen, asks Liberace how he managed to stay hard all night long. And Liberace tells him he’s had penile implants. I don’t know if that means his junk will rust during a blow job, but I was quite impressed.
Implants just take the worry out of sex. If only I could have had something comparable, like a drawstring on my vagina. My marriage would have been so much happier. “Wanna little nookie, Edgar?” I’d just pull it tight. Time to pop out Melissa? I’d loosen it up! I wish I had known God when he was creating us (I was born two years later)—I don’t think the man was paying attention. Maybe he was preoccupied watching Gwyneth Paltrow jamming a gluten-free cupcake into her skeletal frame and thinking, “My bad.”
APRIL 20
Dear Diary:
Tonight I watched Game of Thrones on TV. I’m tired of hearing what a great actor Peter Dinklage is. “He’s so good you don’t even know he’s a dwarf!” I don’t even know he’s on the show half the time ’cause he’s below the frame in medium shots. And in the long shots when they dress him in dark colors I often mistake him for a tree stump or a large family pet.
You definitely know Peter’s a dwarf. I saw him in The Sound of Music . He’s one third the size of the smallest von Trapp child. When Marie sang “Climb Every Mountain,” he begged for a Sherpa to help him hike across the lip of the stage. I read an interview with Peter where he said that as a dwarf he would never demean himself by playing a Christmas elf. Hey, Tiny, here’s a newsflash—you’re the only famous dwarf in Hollywood. Whatever part you want, you get. When there’s a casting call for a dwarf, your name’s the only one on the sign-up sheet. What are you, crazy? I’d play a mean, humpbacked old Jew in a second if they asked, except that Christian bitch Jane Fonda always gets those roles. Your fellow dwarves would be happy to work at the North Pole, so get off your self-righteous booster chair and have a moment of gratitude. Although I must admit he is a fabulous actor.
APRIL 21
Dear Diary:
And while we’re at it, why are there no dwarves on The Walking Dead ? Are there no zombie dwarves? Something is very wrong. Why is it that when they all come tumbling toward me, bloody as shit, they’re all five-foot-eight and over?
I also started wondering if dwarves are well hung. Midgets are probably not because everything about them is in proportion—it’s all the same size, all small.
Dwarves are another case. They have little arms and legs, but sturdy torsos and massive heads. They must fit into the bell curve like the rest of humanity—some are well hung, some are not, and I’m sure that Japanese dwarves look like Brillo pads with buttons. A lot of dwarves are very virile, case in point, the late great Michael Dunn, who said to Tina Louise, “If you’ve never been with a dwarf, get ready, because I am going to make the most passionate, wildest, craziest love to you.” And she said, “If you do and I find out, I’m going to be very upset.”
APRIL 22
Dear Diary:
When I’m stressed I do one of two things: I draw a warm bath, get in, take my teeth out, put on Eminem’s “The Real Slim Shady” and just drift. Or I watch old movies for comfort. Today I chose the latter and went to bed early and watched Children of a Lesser God on
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