talked.
But right now, I wasnât thinking about the brightness of his eyes or the fullness of his lips. I didnât care about the sharp angle of his jaw or the cleft in his chin. Tonight, I just celebrated the rise and fall of his chest.
Jamal parted his lips and released a small moan, though he stayed asleep. Then, as if he knew I was there, he lifted his arm and I lay back against his chest, now feeling the rhythm of his heart.
I was exhausted, but I refused to close my eyes. I wanted to dance to the beat of Jamalâs heart. I wanted to twirl to every one of his inhales and swirl to each of his exhales. I wanted to celebrate because I now realized the preciousness of this gift in my bed. Lying with her husband was something that Miriam would never do again.
The thought of that made new tears flow. I had to save Miriam from as much pain as I could. I had to make sure that she would get through, and know that every day, in every way, Jamal and I would be there for her.
Always!
5
Miriam
I couldnât believe my eyes had opened.
My wish, even in my unconsciousness, was that I would sleep straight through to eternity, but when I twisted my head to the side, I saw the reasons why Iâd awakened.
My boys were next to me, a tangled mess of limbs that made me wonder how in the world they had slept. My lips tried to curl into a smile, but then a jolt sprang from my heart, reminding my lips that there was nothing to smile about.
I pushed myself up, then wobbled a bit as I stood. My body was drowning in a sea of exhaustion, though I couldnât figure out why. I hadnât done a thing but cry. I guess grief made one weary.
My cell phone chirped and I grabbed it from the nightstand. The message icon indicated that I had twelve messages, which surprised me. I hadnât heard the alerts before.
I clicked on the icon, but only read the last message:
Our plane lands at noon. Iâve rented a car. Mama Cee said to tell you she loves you and the boys, and I do, too.
Again, my lips tried to smile, but couldnât. Still, I felt relief as I read the text from my brother-in-law, Charlie, once again.
I tucked my phone into the pocket of my sweatpants, not bothering to check the other messages. I never received manyâjust Emily, Michellelee . . . and Chauncey called me on the regular. But my voice mail was probably filled now with condolences and I just wasnât up to hearing everyone elseâs sadness.
I tiptoed across the room, though I didnât need to. My children could sleep through an earthquake. But still I treaded softly, mostly out of habit. It was my way of not disturbing Chauncey on those days when he needed extra rest.
I never wanted to wake him, then. I would pay a billion dollars to wake him now.
Closing the door behind me, I stood in the hall wondering what I was supposed to do next. What did a woman do on her first day without her husband? Was I supposed to walk differently? Talk differently? What was I supposed to eat? What was I supposed to drink? What was I supposed to say? What was I supposed to think?
The ringing telephone stopped me from just standing there, and when I pulled out my cell, my lips tried to smile once again.
âHey, Miriam,â Emily said the moment I answered. âDid I wake you?â
âNo, I kinda slept off and on, but I just got up.â
âI didnât want to call too early, but I couldnât wait any longer. I had to check on you and the boys.â
I took a couple of steps away from the bedroom. âTheyâre still asleep.â I didnât add that I wanted them to sleep for days so they wouldnât have to deal with this reality. Or maybe it was that I didnât want to deal with their reality.
Last night, I didnât think it was possible to hurt more, but with each tear that my sons shed, another piece of my heart was torn away. All I wanted to do was kiss my sons and make them feel better. But while
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