Never Say Never by Victoria Christopher Murray Page B

your family . . . and, most of all, with God.”
    With God. I hadn’t thought about God at all. Not since He let me down.
    â€œNot sure how much God’s going to help me.”
    Emily reared her head back. “Miriam!” she said, as if my words were blasphemous.
    I knew that was a shocker. Emily had started going to church with me when we were in college and we’d both been members of Hope Chapel ever since, so those words had to sound like craziness from my mouth to her ears.
    â€œWhy would you say that?” Emily questioned.
    I recalled the moment when God had let me down. “When we were in the car with Michellelee rushing to the hospital, God told me that Chauncey was all right.”
    â€œHe did?”
    I nodded. “I felt such peace. The only one I was worried about was”—I paused, giving myself time to lower my eyes—“I was only worried about Jamal. And so, I prayed and prayed for him.”
    Emily squeezed my hand. “Thank you for praying for my husband.”
    â€œI prayed for both of them,” I said. “But God lied about Chauncey. Chauncey wasn’t fine.”
    â€œWell,” Emily paused and pondered her next words. “Maybe God did say that because really, Miriam, what canbe finer than being with God? And that’s where Chauncey is, so he is fine.”
    I wondered if what Emily said was true. When I felt that peace, was that the exact moment when . . . I shuddered and ran my hands up and down my arms, trying to warm my suddenly chilled skin.
    â€œYou cold?”
    â€œNo.”
    â€œOkay.” A beat. “You know God didn’t let you down, right? You know He’s here and He’s going to stay.”
    I shrugged. “Whatever. He can be wherever He wants to be. He just doesn’t have to worry about hearing from me, because I don’t have anything to say to Him.”
    â€œYou can’t stop praying.”
    I shook my head, but then Jamal saved me from having to disappoint Emily any further when he came back into the living room. “The boys are still sleeping.”
    â€œThat’s good. And I hope they stay that way until my mother-in-law gets here. She’ll cuddle and coddle them . . .” Another smile came to my face as I thought about my mother-in-law with my sons. But like the rest of my smiles, this one didn’t last long. Looking up, I said, “Jamal, I need to start making”—I paused for a second—“the arrangements . . . and I don’t know who I should talk to.”
    Jamal lowered himself onto the ottoman in front of us and while Emily held my hand, he said, “Are you sure you want to do this now?”
    I nodded. “It’s not like waiting is going to change anything.”
    â€œOkay,” Jamal said before giving a quick glance to his wife.
    â€œPlus, I don’t know how long Mama Cee will be able to stay in Los Angeles,” I said. “I want to do everything so that she can get back quickly.”
    â€œI’m sure she’s not thinking about leaving you anytime soon,” Emily said.
    â€œWell, whether she stays or goes is fine,” I said. “I’m still ready to get started.” Looking at Jamal, I added, “So—”
    Emily’s ringing cell stopped Jamal from speaking, and as she answered it, then stood and took a few steps away from us, Jamal took my hands in his. “How are you doing?” he whispered.
    I studied him a little longer this time, and his eyes were glazed with the sadness of the thousand tears he’d probably shed. But also in his eyes I saw the love that he’d felt for his best friend. Though best friend would never completely define Jamal and Chauncey’s connection. Theirs was a brotherhood that was thicker than blood. Finally, I responded, “I’m doing about as good as you.”
    When he squeezed my hands and nodded, I knew that