let you go again. Staying
in my seat was one of the hardest things I have ever done.
I wanted to tell you a few
things, things you deserve to know but I never had the balls to tell you to
your face.
The most important thing,
sweet beautiful Mina, is that I love you. I love you so fucking much it stings
inside. I loved you from the moment we spoke. When we were together it was like
nothing could be more perfect. No one could be more perfect. I never lied when
I said how special you were to me, I just never told you exactly how special.
I don’t just love you because
you are beautiful, which you are, I love you because you are fierce and strong.
You are clever and bright. Too bright for me. Had we stayed together you would
end up knowing me better than I know myself, which scares me. It scares the
shit out of me. I struggle to accept that someone has worked their way so far
into my heart and soul that they have become a part of me, but you did. And you
are still there.
I am a coward, that is what this
comes down to. You told me that you loved me and I loved you back, but I didn’t
know how to say it. I don’t know how to be the person you want or deserve. So
instead of trying, and inevitably failing – which I know I would and I would
let you down – I backed out. I took the coward’s way out for sure. I am so
sorry for that. I was never bored of you. I never wanted to treat you like that
or say half of those things I said to you, but I had to push you away to save
you. I had to be horrible to you so that you would walk away and so I would destroy
everything between us enough that I would not be tempted to try and get you
back. I needed to push you so far that we broke in an unfixable way. I am so
sorry that I had to, but it was to save you. You would be miserable with me. I
am constantly searching for something, I don’t know what and maybe I never
will, but I would be afraid to let you love me too deeply, and love you back
the same, in case I still felt I needed to search and have to leave you behind
to do it. If I had you, really had you as my own like I wanted, I wouldn’t be
able to leave you, then I would be left missing something that I needed to find
and it would destroy us both in the end. So I had to do it, to save you and me.
I know what you are thinking; perhaps what I was missing was you. I think it
might have been, but I couldn’t take that risk. Not with you. That’s part of
why I stay with Pan. I know she is not it, this thing I am searching for. Maybe
that won’t make sense to you, but I think it will because you know me so well.
You see me in a way that no one else does.
You do everything with such
passion, Mina. You throw your heart into everything, your big kind heart, and I
know you invested part of it in me and I don’t deserve it. I never did. When I
said you can’t give 100% of yourself to someone, I meant it. I was hurt, not only
by Pan but someone else, a long time ago. I was seventeen and completely in
love with a girl. She cheated on me and broke my heart. A few months after, I
found out she had been pregnant and had an abortion. She never knew who the
father would have been. It destroyed me. This tiny life that could have been
part of me, gone forever. You can’t take that kind of thing back. I was
devastated. Then I met Pan and just as I started to move on, she ripped my
heart out all over again. After that I gave up believing in love. Until you.
I told myself I wasn’t
falling for you, but I knew I was lying. I knew I loved you the second I heard
your voice. Then I saw your pretty face and your big eyes and I was lost.
Utterly gone. We fitted together like it was meant to be. The further I fell,
the more I panicked. Then you told me you loved me and I knew I could never be
what you needed or wanted. And I bailed on you.
I was never bored of you,
Min. You need to know that. I was trying to save you by letting you go.
I got every one of
in my seat was one of the hardest things I have ever done.
I wanted to tell you a few
things, things you deserve to know but I never had the balls to tell you to
your face.
The most important thing,
sweet beautiful Mina, is that I love you. I love you so fucking much it stings
inside. I loved you from the moment we spoke. When we were together it was like
nothing could be more perfect. No one could be more perfect. I never lied when
I said how special you were to me, I just never told you exactly how special.
I don’t just love you because
you are beautiful, which you are, I love you because you are fierce and strong.
You are clever and bright. Too bright for me. Had we stayed together you would
end up knowing me better than I know myself, which scares me. It scares the
shit out of me. I struggle to accept that someone has worked their way so far
into my heart and soul that they have become a part of me, but you did. And you
are still there.
I am a coward, that is what this
comes down to. You told me that you loved me and I loved you back, but I didn’t
know how to say it. I don’t know how to be the person you want or deserve. So
instead of trying, and inevitably failing – which I know I would and I would
let you down – I backed out. I took the coward’s way out for sure. I am so
sorry for that. I was never bored of you. I never wanted to treat you like that
or say half of those things I said to you, but I had to push you away to save
you. I had to be horrible to you so that you would walk away and so I would destroy
everything between us enough that I would not be tempted to try and get you
back. I needed to push you so far that we broke in an unfixable way. I am so
sorry that I had to, but it was to save you. You would be miserable with me. I
am constantly searching for something, I don’t know what and maybe I never
will, but I would be afraid to let you love me too deeply, and love you back
the same, in case I still felt I needed to search and have to leave you behind
to do it. If I had you, really had you as my own like I wanted, I wouldn’t be
able to leave you, then I would be left missing something that I needed to find
and it would destroy us both in the end. So I had to do it, to save you and me.
I know what you are thinking; perhaps what I was missing was you. I think it
might have been, but I couldn’t take that risk. Not with you. That’s part of
why I stay with Pan. I know she is not it, this thing I am searching for. Maybe
that won’t make sense to you, but I think it will because you know me so well.
You see me in a way that no one else does.
You do everything with such
passion, Mina. You throw your heart into everything, your big kind heart, and I
know you invested part of it in me and I don’t deserve it. I never did. When I
said you can’t give 100% of yourself to someone, I meant it. I was hurt, not only
by Pan but someone else, a long time ago. I was seventeen and completely in
love with a girl. She cheated on me and broke my heart. A few months after, I
found out she had been pregnant and had an abortion. She never knew who the
father would have been. It destroyed me. This tiny life that could have been
part of me, gone forever. You can’t take that kind of thing back. I was
devastated. Then I met Pan and just as I started to move on, she ripped my
heart out all over again. After that I gave up believing in love. Until you.
I told myself I wasn’t
falling for you, but I knew I was lying. I knew I loved you the second I heard
your voice. Then I saw your pretty face and your big eyes and I was lost.
Utterly gone. We fitted together like it was meant to be. The further I fell,
the more I panicked. Then you told me you loved me and I knew I could never be
what you needed or wanted. And I bailed on you.
I was never bored of you,
Min. You need to know that. I was trying to save you by letting you go.
I got every one of
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