for Antoine, and he still died!”
Jessie hadn’t spoken about his friend since he’d seen the base doctors. Antoine had pushed him aside at the very last minute. As far as Jessie was concerned, it should have been him. Antoine had a wife, a child, and everyone loved him.
Dr. Orwin sat in silence. He watched from across the short distance separating them, and Jessie couldn’t bear to look at him. The gentle doctor had to have known what had happened from the file that had been sent to him by Jessie’s superiors. They had sent him to see someone when he arrived back on base. The suggestion was made that he wasn’t fit for combat any longer. His guilt was going to eat him alive. At least that’s what Major Owens had told him.
“I stepped in front of him . . .” Nothing else to lose, since it’s out in the open now, Jessie .
Jessie took a moment to blink away the tears that burned in his eyes like pepper spray. “I saw the lights cutting through the darkness and yelled for everyone to get down. Antoine was grabbing the relief kit from the Humvee. A reporter was with us. After I pushed that damn cameraman into the sand, I turned and charged at Antoine. He pushed me down when I got to him. I rolled to the ground and glanced back in time to see the bullets cut into his flesh. Blood splattered everywhere. He was hit at least five times in the chest and neck.”
He paused, drawing a shaky breath, angrily swiping the tears from his face. “I-I threw my body over his as he hit the ground. And now everybody calls me a hero. He was the fucking hero. He saved my life. That reporter wrote the story all wrong. And no matter who I tell, who I correct, they all blow that bullshit out of their mouths. They still spew the lies. That fucking medal, I mailed it to his wife and she called to curse me out. Can you believe that shit? She says ‘ He wouldn’t want you to do this. Honor his memory by keeping this commendation.’ I ain’t a hero. He was. And they can’t even see it.”
“You are a hero, Jessie. This discomfort you’re feeling with your medal, with others viewing you as a hero, perhaps it’s guilt. Are you feeling guilty that a good and brave man was killed? That no matter how much you tried to change the outcome, you feel as though you failed?”
Jessie couldn’t find any more words. He sat on the couch staring at his shaky hands. Unable to stand any more, he leaned forward, placing his head against his palms and shook with the kind of remorse that only deep-seated guilt could bring.
He cried for Antoine, and the family he left behind. He cried for his lost friends and so many others that died before him on the battlefields. His chest ached and he couldn’t seem to stem the flow of sobs racking his body. He was guilty. And Mavis was his everything. It wasn’t until that moment that he knew.
Despite all his efforts, the tears didn’t stop. He sat for the duration of the hour, letting it all pour from his soul. Dr. Orwin didn’t judge or attempt to console. He just watched as Jessie finally confronted the demons that chased him in the night.
“Jessie, it’s all right to feel guilt. But, Antoine’s wife is right. You have to ask yourself if he would have wanted you to stop living that day, alongside him. Was that his goal when he pushed you out of the line of fire, for you to stop living?”
After those words, he didn’t disturb Jessie again. They sat in silence, the memories of the men he left on the field burning into Jessie’s mind.
As he rode home, that question sat on the back of his motorcycle as a heavy passenger. It wasn’t until he turned the key to the ‘off’ position that he was finally able to answer it.
“No. I am not dead.” The words echoed across the carport and cut through the humid air leaving Jessie, for the first time since that horrible night, relieved.
Chapter 9
Jessie sat at the dining room table with the late evening sunset on the horizon. The whole of the day had
Jessie hadn’t spoken about his friend since he’d seen the base doctors. Antoine had pushed him aside at the very last minute. As far as Jessie was concerned, it should have been him. Antoine had a wife, a child, and everyone loved him.
Dr. Orwin sat in silence. He watched from across the short distance separating them, and Jessie couldn’t bear to look at him. The gentle doctor had to have known what had happened from the file that had been sent to him by Jessie’s superiors. They had sent him to see someone when he arrived back on base. The suggestion was made that he wasn’t fit for combat any longer. His guilt was going to eat him alive. At least that’s what Major Owens had told him.
“I stepped in front of him . . .” Nothing else to lose, since it’s out in the open now, Jessie .
Jessie took a moment to blink away the tears that burned in his eyes like pepper spray. “I saw the lights cutting through the darkness and yelled for everyone to get down. Antoine was grabbing the relief kit from the Humvee. A reporter was with us. After I pushed that damn cameraman into the sand, I turned and charged at Antoine. He pushed me down when I got to him. I rolled to the ground and glanced back in time to see the bullets cut into his flesh. Blood splattered everywhere. He was hit at least five times in the chest and neck.”
He paused, drawing a shaky breath, angrily swiping the tears from his face. “I-I threw my body over his as he hit the ground. And now everybody calls me a hero. He was the fucking hero. He saved my life. That reporter wrote the story all wrong. And no matter who I tell, who I correct, they all blow that bullshit out of their mouths. They still spew the lies. That fucking medal, I mailed it to his wife and she called to curse me out. Can you believe that shit? She says ‘ He wouldn’t want you to do this. Honor his memory by keeping this commendation.’ I ain’t a hero. He was. And they can’t even see it.”
“You are a hero, Jessie. This discomfort you’re feeling with your medal, with others viewing you as a hero, perhaps it’s guilt. Are you feeling guilty that a good and brave man was killed? That no matter how much you tried to change the outcome, you feel as though you failed?”
Jessie couldn’t find any more words. He sat on the couch staring at his shaky hands. Unable to stand any more, he leaned forward, placing his head against his palms and shook with the kind of remorse that only deep-seated guilt could bring.
He cried for Antoine, and the family he left behind. He cried for his lost friends and so many others that died before him on the battlefields. His chest ached and he couldn’t seem to stem the flow of sobs racking his body. He was guilty. And Mavis was his everything. It wasn’t until that moment that he knew.
Despite all his efforts, the tears didn’t stop. He sat for the duration of the hour, letting it all pour from his soul. Dr. Orwin didn’t judge or attempt to console. He just watched as Jessie finally confronted the demons that chased him in the night.
“Jessie, it’s all right to feel guilt. But, Antoine’s wife is right. You have to ask yourself if he would have wanted you to stop living that day, alongside him. Was that his goal when he pushed you out of the line of fire, for you to stop living?”
After those words, he didn’t disturb Jessie again. They sat in silence, the memories of the men he left on the field burning into Jessie’s mind.
As he rode home, that question sat on the back of his motorcycle as a heavy passenger. It wasn’t until he turned the key to the ‘off’ position that he was finally able to answer it.
“No. I am not dead.” The words echoed across the carport and cut through the humid air leaving Jessie, for the first time since that horrible night, relieved.
Chapter 9
Jessie sat at the dining room table with the late evening sunset on the horizon. The whole of the day had
Similar Books
