Disarmed by Aliza Mann

little hope. But once I had a moment to gather my wits, I knew that I had to follow my heart and trust that all would work out well. I went back to school, obtained one degree, then another, and finally earned a doctorate. I taught college courses for a little while, then took on patients. Mostly vets, and people like you who are in the middle of their career. It’s the middle that’s the hardest, you see. It’s those times where you usually find the crossroads. Which way can I go that isn’t backward? That’s the question you seek the answer to and find the most elusive.”
    Jessie took a sip of his coffee and sat the cup and saucer on the table careful not to spill a drop.
    “Not backward? I don’t think that’s my question. I think I’m trying to figure something else out. I don’t exactly know what, but that’s not it.”
    “We’ve got time to figure that out, Jessie.”
    “I don’t know about all that, either. That girl I was telling you about? She’s moving on with her life. And I want to stop her. She’s down on East Broadway hanging out with some guy. And I told her I couldn’t be with her, not like she wants, but now that it’s happened, she’s all that I can think about. I’m sick with it, Doc.”
    Jessie watched Dr. Orwin’s facial expression. It didn’t change. He drank from his mug, resting his hand on the arm of his comfortable-looking rust-colored chair.
    “Doc, I don’t want her seeing anybody else.”
    “Can you tell her that? Will it make a difference? More importantly, is she what you desire?”
    “You know, there were times while I was away, on patrol or sitting on base on those lonely days, I could see her face. It was like a living picture in my mind. She was clear and bright, shiny almost. Then, when I wasn’t sure we would make it out, you know, during the dangerous times, I could imagine her with that folded flag on her lap, tears staining her cheeks. It cut me to the bone. I saw her in every widow’s face.”
    “She already loves you.”
    “I told her not to love me.”
    “I think you know women better than that. She loves you and if you returned to Iraq today and something horrible happened, she would still be hurt, regardless of whether you were her husband at the time. Regardless of whether that flag is handed to her or your mother.”
    “But she would survive.”
    “You think she’s so weak that she couldn’t survive otherwise? And what if you can’t go back into service? What if I don’t clear you? I still have a lot of work to do with you here. The effects of war aren’t limited to physical wounds. We may have to work for years to undo the damage. What then?”
    “I wouldn’t be whole then either. She still wouldn’t want that life.”
    “And you asked her this?”
    “I know. I just know that living with someone that is unavailable for one reason or another has got to be miserable.”
    “The session is starting now, Jessie. Let’s focus on some of the things that make you want to control everything for everyone.”
    “Where the hell did you get that from?”
    “You. You seem to want to make everyone happy around you. You aim to control everything. What’s driving that need?”
    Jessie sat back, shocked. He hadn’t thought of himself as controlling. He thought he was protecting people from being harmed. All of this was to protect the people he loved, whether he wanted to admit he loved them or not.
    “I don’t want to control Mavis. I want her to be with me, but I can’t subject her to that.”
    “And Mavis is your everything?”
    “What?”
    “I asked you why you want to control everything, and you responded that you didn’t want to control Mavis. Now I’m asking again, is she your everything ?”
    “My everything is the Corps. That’s what I’m here for, right? I don’t want you to twist my words around and make this something that it isn’t. Mavis is an element in my life that’s causing me grief. On top of trying to take a bullet