Don't Kiss Girls and Other Silly Stories by Pat Flynn Page B

three kids, and the only way past is to tell her what she wants to hear.
    â€˜No worries,’ I say. ‘I’m going there right now.’
    â€˜I mean it, Tony.’
    â€˜So do I. My room’s gonna sparkle like the top of Dad’s head. I promise.’
    She steps out of the way.
    I don’t know why Mum bugs me so much about cleaning my room. I like it messy because I know exactly where everything is. Dirty T-shirts: floor. Dirty underwear: floor. Pet cockroaches: everywhere.
    Besides, I’ve got more important things to do than clean. Like lie on my bed and dream of Ashleigh opening a love letter that I’ve written. I’m gonna be in like Flynn, I reckon. Especially if I chuck in the photo that Dad took last summer when we were at the beach. It’s me without my shirt on. And without my head on, too. Dad’s a really bad photographer.
    Not that there’s anything wrong with my head, but I don’t want Ashleigh to know who I am yet. I want to be anony-ross.
    I pull my spare pillow to my lips and pretend it’s Ashleigh. It smells a lot better than the other Ashleigh pillow. After lots of hugs and kisses, I’m ready to write the best love letter of my life.
    Although that’s not so hard, as it’ll be the first love letter of my life.
    But how tricky can it be? Especially when I’ve got step-by-step instructions …
    HOW TO WRITE A LOVE LETTER
    RULE 1: Spell the person’s name right
    Darn! Why don’t I like a girl with an easy name, like … Sue. I decide to play it safe.
    Dear Ashlee/Ashlea/Ashleigh(Please cross out the wrong ones.)
    R ULE 2: Make her feel special
    Okay, this should be easy.
    I’ve never done this before but this is different. You are different.
    Yeah, that’s good.
    I’ve been noticing you for a long time. I’m not a weirdo or anything but.
    I put that in just in case she thinks I’m a weirdo.
    RULE 3: Tell the person how you feel about them
    When I see you at school I feel good. That time you accidentally ran into me during PE I felt great. If we ever kissed I think I’d feel totally sick.
    RULE 4: Suggest a plan of action that’ s mysterious and romantic
    If you want to find out who I am, meet me in front of the tuckshop at lunchtime. I will be holding a chocolate milk. (I’ll let you have a sip.)
    RULE 5: Finish with lots of kisses and hugs
    LoveYour secret admirerer

    I hold the letter up, pleased as spiked punch. Ashleigh will soon be mine, ay? I slip the letter into my favourite hiding place – my underwear drawer.
    Mum walks in.
    â€˜I’m afraid your time’s up,’ she says.
    â€˜What?’
    â€˜I told you there’d be consequences if you didn’t clean your room, didn’t I?’
    â€˜I can’t remember.’ My rule is: When in trouble, get amnesia.
    She sits on my bed, right on top of my spare pillow.
    I smile, thinking that it’s weird that my mum is sitting on Ashleigh.
    Her face screws up. ‘Very … serious—’ And then her expression changes all of a sudden; she looks almost relaxed. ‘—consequences … ahhh.’
    No! It couldn’t be! I bend down and take a whiff.
    â€˜MUM! THAT’S GROSS!’
    She smiles. ‘Just trying to talk to my son in a language he understands.’
    â€˜Aww, that’s disgusting!’
    â€˜There’ll be itching powder in your undies next. I suggest you start cleaning.’
    *
    After dumping a mountain of clothes in the washing machine, not to mention two pillowcases, I go for a walk. I need some fresh air.
    I also need to get psyched up for tomorrow. It’ s one thing to write a good letter, it’s another to know what to say when Ashleigh finds out I’m her secr et admirerer. Even though we’ve had our shar e of run-ins, I decide I’d better visit Kane. He knows a lot more about girls than me.
    He’s in his driveway, washing his dad’s