"He likes to pretend he's a bear."
"Or a lion," Flora added.
"I don't care if he's a bear or a lion," Fudge told them. "He can't have my name!"
This time, Little Farley bared his teeth.
"I think we should call him Fudge-let," Fauna said to her sister.
"Or Fudge-kin," Flora suggested.
"Oh, I like that," Fauna said. She put her arm around her little brother.
"Why don't you just call him Mini," I said.
"Minnie?" Flora said.
"As in Mouse?" Fauna asked.
"No," I told them. "As in Mini-Fudge." In case they still didn't get it, I spelled it for them. "M-i-n-i."
"Mini-Farley," Fudge shouted. "Because there's only one Fudge and that's me!"
Mini-Farley got down on all fours, growled at Fudge, then attacked, grabbing Fudge's pants leg in his mouth. Fudge tried shaking him off but Mini held on, pulling and twisting until Fudge lost his balance and crashed to the floor. As he did, he let out a bloodcurdling scream. That got the attention not only of all four parents, but everyone else in the gift shop.
86
"Stop that, Farley!" Flora shouted, as Fauna pulled him off Fudge.
Dad rushed to Fudge, kneeled beside him, and checked his leg.
"Dad," Fudge cried, "tell them they can't steal my name!"
"Nobody's stealing your name," Dad said, trying to soothe him.
"Promise?" Fudge asked, wiping his nose with his sleeve.
"Actually," Fauna said, "we're just borrowing it."
"No fair!" Fudge said. "You have to ask if you want to borrow something. Right, Dad?"
"That's how it's usually done," Dad agreed.
"Then let's just say we're ..." Flora began, looking at her sister.
"Copying your name," Fauna said.
"Copying?" Fudge asked.
"Yes," Flora said. "And copying is the highest form of flattery."
"If you want to copy you have to pay two million dollars," Fudge told them.
The Natural Beauties laughed. "Your brother's hilarious," Fauna told me.
"Don't you know the best things in life are free?" Flora asked Fudge.
87
As if that were some kind of cue, the Natural Beauties put their heads close together, hummed a note, and next thing I knew they started singing, right there in the middle of the gift shop.
The moon belongs to everyone The best things in life are free. The stars belong to everyone They gleam there for you and me....
I backed away, hoping to disappear into the crowd that had gathered around them. This was worse than Fudge's tantrum at the shoe store. I never should have come to Washington. I should have stayed in New York with Grandma. Or gone to Jimmy Fargo's. Anything but this. Absolutely anything!
Finally, I was saved by the guard who came over and suggested that if we were finished shopping we might like to continue the show elsewhere. Yes! Thank you, guard. Thank you for saving me.
88
9 The Panda Poop C lub
"Hot fudge sundaes all around," Cousin Howie barked at the waiter at the coffee shop. Then he added, "Better make them doubles."
I should have known the guard at the Bureau of Printing and Engraving couldn't save me. I should have known Dad and Cousin Howie would want to catch up and talk about old times. Not that Cousin Howie was happy when Mom and Dad both said they'd prefer no fat frozen yogurt to ice-cream sundaes. You could see the disappointment on his face. He told the waiter to bring them a side order of hot fudge, just in case. "In honor of Uncle Farley Drexel," Cousin Howie said to Dad. "Remember how he loved his hot fudge, Tubby?"
89
"No," Dad said.
"Then your memory's not what it used to be," Cousin Howie said. "Uncle Farley had a hot fudge sundae every day of his life. I'm sure the reason you call your boy Fudge is because of Uncle Farley Drexel's love for it."
"I don't think so," Dad said.
Eudora laughed. "Well, Tubby... either way it's a treat to be here with you and your family. Howie's told me so many stories about the two of you. About how close you were as boys and how you were both going to be forest rangers when you grew up."
Forest rangers? I thought. That's news to me. I tried to
"Or a lion," Flora added.
"I don't care if he's a bear or a lion," Fudge told them. "He can't have my name!"
This time, Little Farley bared his teeth.
"I think we should call him Fudge-let," Fauna said to her sister.
"Or Fudge-kin," Flora suggested.
"Oh, I like that," Fauna said. She put her arm around her little brother.
"Why don't you just call him Mini," I said.
"Minnie?" Flora said.
"As in Mouse?" Fauna asked.
"No," I told them. "As in Mini-Fudge." In case they still didn't get it, I spelled it for them. "M-i-n-i."
"Mini-Farley," Fudge shouted. "Because there's only one Fudge and that's me!"
Mini-Farley got down on all fours, growled at Fudge, then attacked, grabbing Fudge's pants leg in his mouth. Fudge tried shaking him off but Mini held on, pulling and twisting until Fudge lost his balance and crashed to the floor. As he did, he let out a bloodcurdling scream. That got the attention not only of all four parents, but everyone else in the gift shop.
86
"Stop that, Farley!" Flora shouted, as Fauna pulled him off Fudge.
Dad rushed to Fudge, kneeled beside him, and checked his leg.
"Dad," Fudge cried, "tell them they can't steal my name!"
"Nobody's stealing your name," Dad said, trying to soothe him.
"Promise?" Fudge asked, wiping his nose with his sleeve.
"Actually," Fauna said, "we're just borrowing it."
"No fair!" Fudge said. "You have to ask if you want to borrow something. Right, Dad?"
"That's how it's usually done," Dad agreed.
"Then let's just say we're ..." Flora began, looking at her sister.
"Copying your name," Fauna said.
"Copying?" Fudge asked.
"Yes," Flora said. "And copying is the highest form of flattery."
"If you want to copy you have to pay two million dollars," Fudge told them.
The Natural Beauties laughed. "Your brother's hilarious," Fauna told me.
"Don't you know the best things in life are free?" Flora asked Fudge.
87
As if that were some kind of cue, the Natural Beauties put their heads close together, hummed a note, and next thing I knew they started singing, right there in the middle of the gift shop.
The moon belongs to everyone The best things in life are free. The stars belong to everyone They gleam there for you and me....
I backed away, hoping to disappear into the crowd that had gathered around them. This was worse than Fudge's tantrum at the shoe store. I never should have come to Washington. I should have stayed in New York with Grandma. Or gone to Jimmy Fargo's. Anything but this. Absolutely anything!
Finally, I was saved by the guard who came over and suggested that if we were finished shopping we might like to continue the show elsewhere. Yes! Thank you, guard. Thank you for saving me.
88
9 The Panda Poop C lub
"Hot fudge sundaes all around," Cousin Howie barked at the waiter at the coffee shop. Then he added, "Better make them doubles."
I should have known the guard at the Bureau of Printing and Engraving couldn't save me. I should have known Dad and Cousin Howie would want to catch up and talk about old times. Not that Cousin Howie was happy when Mom and Dad both said they'd prefer no fat frozen yogurt to ice-cream sundaes. You could see the disappointment on his face. He told the waiter to bring them a side order of hot fudge, just in case. "In honor of Uncle Farley Drexel," Cousin Howie said to Dad. "Remember how he loved his hot fudge, Tubby?"
89
"No," Dad said.
"Then your memory's not what it used to be," Cousin Howie said. "Uncle Farley had a hot fudge sundae every day of his life. I'm sure the reason you call your boy Fudge is because of Uncle Farley Drexel's love for it."
"I don't think so," Dad said.
Eudora laughed. "Well, Tubby... either way it's a treat to be here with you and your family. Howie's told me so many stories about the two of you. About how close you were as boys and how you were both going to be forest rangers when you grew up."
Forest rangers? I thought. That's news to me. I tried to
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