Don’t get me wrong. You’re very helpful. The drugs are very helpful. They really are. But happiness, Jesus. That’s for people who do good works. And I’m not the type.
Maybe you could try.
Doing some good works? I’ve tried. And it only makes me more depressed. All those sad, lonely people? It’s really depressing.
You’re in quite a state today.
I am. I’m sorry. Can’t make much progress when I’m in this mood.
Let’s talk about something more concrete, then.
Like what?
Like anything you choose.
Well, speaking of happiness, I met this woman.
Oh dear.
Yes, I know my history isn’t promising. But she really seems special.
So did Dorita.
Dorita
was
special. It’s just that, I don’t know, she needed even more medication than I do.
But you know your real problem.
Of course I do. Idealization. I have to find the perfect woman, never will, perfection is for heaven, not this vale of … what is it, sludge? I know, I know. But let me tell you about Louise.
All right. Tell me about Louise.
I told her about my new client. Her legs. Her silky manner.
Are you supposed to be having these kinds of thoughts about a client?
I’m not a shrink, I said. I’m not her lawyer. I’m just an investigator. A helper. I’m not sure there’s a code of ethics for helpers.
You don’t need to have a code of ethics in order to have ethics.
A good point, I said. Excellent point. I’ll give it some consideration. But I haven’t done anything, anyway. I’m just telling you how I feel.
All right.
So, I’m having this meeting with Louise, my client. She bends over to reach for a glass. I take a sharp breath. Really. Just like they say in the books. I try to disguise it as a cough. If she notices, she doesn’t let on. Anyway, you know how some guys say they’re breast men? There’s the ass guys? Love that booty? Some guys go for legs. Long, shapely legs. I go for all those things, of course. But at heart I’m a skin guy. Smooth skin sends me. So, when she bent over, her shirt lifted up from her skirt. I saw a few inches of her back. I was sent to the moon.
I see, said Sheila.
Skin that sun-blessed color you can’t buy in a tube or a tanning salon. Soft and firm. You don’t have to touch it, to know. You can see it. You sure as hell know. That and the curve of it. A curve so pure and gently placed, you had to know it went on endlessly, and just right. All the shapes and valleys just where they should be.
I could feel Sheila’s disapproval. But I couldn’t stop.
It kills you. It could kill you. Such perfection in a human form. You have to have it. You have to have it or die. You have to have it to know. To know if it really is the perfect embodiment of the female flesh. In which case you’ll never let it go. Or that it isn’t. Which is a relief, I guess. A relief from the responsibility. The need to have it at all costs. Because if you never had it, never tried it, never found out, everything else you ever touched would suffer from the image of perfection you’d constructed. From that one glimpse of that one part of that one whole you’d sought forever, now and forever past, before you were born, even, the other half of the Platonic egg, you flattered yourself …
I looked down. I realized that I’d pulled half the tassels off a throw pillow.
It’s all right, Sheila said.
I’ll buy you another.
Don’t worry. I’ve got extras.
But still.
As we were saying, said Sheila.
Yeah. Idealization. Am I boring you?
No, she said. But the time’s up.
Ah. Saved by the bell.
13.
W E WERE AT F AST V INNIE’S GAME AGAIN , B RENDAN AND ME . Looking for a challenge. I mean, the field at the World Series is pretty weak generally, but if you go deep, last into the third, fourth day, you’re going to be playing some of the best players in the world. Some of the best players in history. So there’s no point in warming up with fish. Fish like cold water. If you’re warming up with them, they’re
Maybe you could try.
Doing some good works? I’ve tried. And it only makes me more depressed. All those sad, lonely people? It’s really depressing.
You’re in quite a state today.
I am. I’m sorry. Can’t make much progress when I’m in this mood.
Let’s talk about something more concrete, then.
Like what?
Like anything you choose.
Well, speaking of happiness, I met this woman.
Oh dear.
Yes, I know my history isn’t promising. But she really seems special.
So did Dorita.
Dorita
was
special. It’s just that, I don’t know, she needed even more medication than I do.
But you know your real problem.
Of course I do. Idealization. I have to find the perfect woman, never will, perfection is for heaven, not this vale of … what is it, sludge? I know, I know. But let me tell you about Louise.
All right. Tell me about Louise.
I told her about my new client. Her legs. Her silky manner.
Are you supposed to be having these kinds of thoughts about a client?
I’m not a shrink, I said. I’m not her lawyer. I’m just an investigator. A helper. I’m not sure there’s a code of ethics for helpers.
You don’t need to have a code of ethics in order to have ethics.
A good point, I said. Excellent point. I’ll give it some consideration. But I haven’t done anything, anyway. I’m just telling you how I feel.
All right.
So, I’m having this meeting with Louise, my client. She bends over to reach for a glass. I take a sharp breath. Really. Just like they say in the books. I try to disguise it as a cough. If she notices, she doesn’t let on. Anyway, you know how some guys say they’re breast men? There’s the ass guys? Love that booty? Some guys go for legs. Long, shapely legs. I go for all those things, of course. But at heart I’m a skin guy. Smooth skin sends me. So, when she bent over, her shirt lifted up from her skirt. I saw a few inches of her back. I was sent to the moon.
I see, said Sheila.
Skin that sun-blessed color you can’t buy in a tube or a tanning salon. Soft and firm. You don’t have to touch it, to know. You can see it. You sure as hell know. That and the curve of it. A curve so pure and gently placed, you had to know it went on endlessly, and just right. All the shapes and valleys just where they should be.
I could feel Sheila’s disapproval. But I couldn’t stop.
It kills you. It could kill you. Such perfection in a human form. You have to have it. You have to have it or die. You have to have it to know. To know if it really is the perfect embodiment of the female flesh. In which case you’ll never let it go. Or that it isn’t. Which is a relief, I guess. A relief from the responsibility. The need to have it at all costs. Because if you never had it, never tried it, never found out, everything else you ever touched would suffer from the image of perfection you’d constructed. From that one glimpse of that one part of that one whole you’d sought forever, now and forever past, before you were born, even, the other half of the Platonic egg, you flattered yourself …
I looked down. I realized that I’d pulled half the tassels off a throw pillow.
It’s all right, Sheila said.
I’ll buy you another.
Don’t worry. I’ve got extras.
But still.
As we were saying, said Sheila.
Yeah. Idealization. Am I boring you?
No, she said. But the time’s up.
Ah. Saved by the bell.
13.
W E WERE AT F AST V INNIE’S GAME AGAIN , B RENDAN AND ME . Looking for a challenge. I mean, the field at the World Series is pretty weak generally, but if you go deep, last into the third, fourth day, you’re going to be playing some of the best players in the world. Some of the best players in history. So there’s no point in warming up with fish. Fish like cold water. If you’re warming up with them, they’re
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