think of airplanes and cars and trains; I think of the moon. I think of Tobias casting his cigarette butt into the gorge; I think of Sister Salah. I think of Worldly girls with sun in their hair. Was it only days ago I spoke with Lynna?
I open my eyes to find myself back in the Hall of Enoch. My eyes drift to the right and touch upon Sister Ruth. As if sensing my thoughts of her, she turns her head and looks at me. Her teeth flash white. I feel the blood rush to my face, and elsewhere.
After Evensong I return to Menshome. Most of the men gather in the common room to share stories and gossip. I retire to my cell and lie on my back, arms rigid at my sides. I close my eyes and see Ruth’s smile. My hand rises, reaching for her, and for a moment my fingers feel the soft skin of her cheek, and her hair slips from beneath her scarf. It is not the wisp of chestnut brown I have glimpsed before but a thick shock of sun-bleached blond.
“No.” My own voice startles me. I open my eyes. I am alone.
I think of Brother Von hiding in the rafters of Womenshome, looking down upon the bathing pool, waiting for the Sisters to reveal their secrets, and I imagine that I am him. Was it such a terrible thing he did? Perhaps it was, for while I sometimes follow my mind deep into those places, I do not go there in the flesh. Is that all that separates me from Von? That paper-thin moment when sinful thought crosses over into sins of the flesh? What then of Lynna, the Worldly girl? Though we never touched, though we are separated by miles of chain-link fence, I feel her presence.
I force myself to mouth a silent prayer of cleansing and abstinence. The Lord must hear me with one ear because when I close my eyes again, Lynna is gone. Instead, the image that hovers before me is that of Tobias.
I lie awake until all the others have retired, and the lights are out, and the symphony of their snores echoes from the rafters. When I judge all of Menshome to be dreaming, I rise silently and take the package of cigarettes from my drawer and let myself out, even as I pray for forgiveness for the sin that I am about to commit.
The Village on this moonless night is still and silent as a cat in ambush. A low light flickers from one window in Elderlodge. Elsewhere the compound is all deep grays and pitch-black. I make my way past Elderlodge to the Tower, where I kneel outside the low, barred window at its base. I hear the scurry of some small creature in the grass: a vole, or perhaps a wood rat.
No sound issues from within the Pit.
Brother Benedict has taught us that there is a point in every mortal transgression when the mind, the heart, and the soul clash. I never understood that before, but now I feel the battle raging within as I kneel before the low window and peer into the darkness.
“Tobias!” I whisper.
Nothing. Then a rustling sound, and I see the shadow of his face looking out at me. “Who’s that?” he asks.
“Brother Jacob.”
I hear him breathe in and out.
“Get lost,” he says. But he keeps his voice low, and his fingers curl around the bars.
“I brought you something.”
More breathing. “What?”
I remove the cigarette package from my sleeve and hold it out to him. He takes it.
“You smoke any?” he asks.
“No,” I say. I hear him fumbling with the cigarettes, then a flare of light illuminates his face as he thumbs the lighter. I smell smoke. Each time he inhales, the tip of the cigarette becomes bright enough that I can see his face.
“How come?” he asks.
“How come what?”
“How come you’re being nice to me?”
I shrug, then realize he probably can’t see me. “I thought you might need them.”
“I don’t need them. I can quit anytime.”
“I am sorry that you are here in this place.”
“They can’t keep me here forever.”
I think of Von. “You must repent.”
“Repent for what? They took my stuff!”
“Did Brother Enos speak with you?”
“The dude with the face like a
I open my eyes to find myself back in the Hall of Enoch. My eyes drift to the right and touch upon Sister Ruth. As if sensing my thoughts of her, she turns her head and looks at me. Her teeth flash white. I feel the blood rush to my face, and elsewhere.
After Evensong I return to Menshome. Most of the men gather in the common room to share stories and gossip. I retire to my cell and lie on my back, arms rigid at my sides. I close my eyes and see Ruth’s smile. My hand rises, reaching for her, and for a moment my fingers feel the soft skin of her cheek, and her hair slips from beneath her scarf. It is not the wisp of chestnut brown I have glimpsed before but a thick shock of sun-bleached blond.
“No.” My own voice startles me. I open my eyes. I am alone.
I think of Brother Von hiding in the rafters of Womenshome, looking down upon the bathing pool, waiting for the Sisters to reveal their secrets, and I imagine that I am him. Was it such a terrible thing he did? Perhaps it was, for while I sometimes follow my mind deep into those places, I do not go there in the flesh. Is that all that separates me from Von? That paper-thin moment when sinful thought crosses over into sins of the flesh? What then of Lynna, the Worldly girl? Though we never touched, though we are separated by miles of chain-link fence, I feel her presence.
I force myself to mouth a silent prayer of cleansing and abstinence. The Lord must hear me with one ear because when I close my eyes again, Lynna is gone. Instead, the image that hovers before me is that of Tobias.
I lie awake until all the others have retired, and the lights are out, and the symphony of their snores echoes from the rafters. When I judge all of Menshome to be dreaming, I rise silently and take the package of cigarettes from my drawer and let myself out, even as I pray for forgiveness for the sin that I am about to commit.
The Village on this moonless night is still and silent as a cat in ambush. A low light flickers from one window in Elderlodge. Elsewhere the compound is all deep grays and pitch-black. I make my way past Elderlodge to the Tower, where I kneel outside the low, barred window at its base. I hear the scurry of some small creature in the grass: a vole, or perhaps a wood rat.
No sound issues from within the Pit.
Brother Benedict has taught us that there is a point in every mortal transgression when the mind, the heart, and the soul clash. I never understood that before, but now I feel the battle raging within as I kneel before the low window and peer into the darkness.
“Tobias!” I whisper.
Nothing. Then a rustling sound, and I see the shadow of his face looking out at me. “Who’s that?” he asks.
“Brother Jacob.”
I hear him breathe in and out.
“Get lost,” he says. But he keeps his voice low, and his fingers curl around the bars.
“I brought you something.”
More breathing. “What?”
I remove the cigarette package from my sleeve and hold it out to him. He takes it.
“You smoke any?” he asks.
“No,” I say. I hear him fumbling with the cigarettes, then a flare of light illuminates his face as he thumbs the lighter. I smell smoke. Each time he inhales, the tip of the cigarette becomes bright enough that I can see his face.
“How come?” he asks.
“How come what?”
“How come you’re being nice to me?”
I shrug, then realize he probably can’t see me. “I thought you might need them.”
“I don’t need them. I can quit anytime.”
“I am sorry that you are here in this place.”
“They can’t keep me here forever.”
I think of Von. “You must repent.”
“Repent for what? They took my stuff!”
“Did Brother Enos speak with you?”
“The dude with the face like a
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