international destination and I would be left to my ordinary life in London without him. He would only be gone for a week, to a conference inBerlin. But still, the differences between us and the fact that our relationship was so odd and so far physically unconsummated meant that Leonard was like a butterfly in my hand. If I closed my eyes for a moment, I might open them again to find he had disappeared entirely. The thought made me blue.
The bill was presented between two fortune cookies. His was empty. Mine just said,
Stop searching.
‘What on earth does that mean?’ I said.
‘I think the waiters just didn’t like us,’ he laughed. ‘You’re not superstitious, are you, sensible Miss Lily?’
‘I’m not very superstitious. But I’m not always sensible, either.’ I screwed up the piece of paper with its italic font and tossed it into my bag.
A chill was in the air as we stepped out onto the narrow cobbled street with its rows of red flags and lanterns winking in the darkness. I huddled into the collar of my biker jacket.
He hadn’t brought a coat along and pushed his hands into his jeans pockets to keep them warm.
I leaned towards him, and took one of his hands in mine.
‘Shall we?’ I said, stepping off the kerb with my hand linked with his, as if this added contact was nothing.
We walked like that through Soho, past the sex shops and the parade of coffee bars and noisy clubs, and briefly I thought of Liana and wondered what she would say when I eventually confided in her about Leonard. Until then I would hold this moment, and his hand, tight, like a secret.
His whole body tightened when I kissed him.
‘Oh, Lily,’ he said, breaking away from me. ‘I can’t kiss you now. You might regret it in the morning.’
‘I won’t. I know that I won’t.’
I tried to kiss him again and he caught my chin in his hand.
‘Believe me. It’s not that I don’t want to. I do. More than anything.’
‘Then why not?’ I asked. I was hurt now, and rejected, and I wanted to stamp my foot.
‘You should be with someone your own age. This is crazy. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have met with you again. This is my fault entirely.’
‘I don’t want someone my own age,’ I insisted. ‘I want you.’
‘Lily … Go home and sleep. Then talk to me in the morning.’
He kissed my cheek lightly and then turned and walked away.
That night I slept fitfully and not before sliding a hand under the covers and between my legs and orchestrating a blissful orgasm. Alcohol dulled my senses and always made my climaxes harder to reach, and as the wave of pleasure that I strained for seemed almost in sight but still torturously far away, I imagined Leonard’s hands caressing my breasts and his tongue rasping against my nipples and the sound of his voice whispering terrible things into my ear and the heat of his breath against my skin. I came hard, thinking of him.
In the morning I felt somehow as if he knew what I had been thinking of as I had touched myself under the sheets the night before.
I rolled over and reached for my phone to check my emails as had become my habit since we had begun corresponding. Now I looked for Leonard’s emails before I thought to do anything else, and on the rare mornings that I didn’t receive one something felt at odds, as if I was wearing shoes with no socks on underneath.
His name flashed dark in my inbox and I smiled as I clicked on the message:
?
Just a single question mark.
The images that had soothed me to sleep flashed back into my mind.
I replied.
I still want you.
And pressed send.
His reply came just a few minutes later.
Come to the hotel.
He sent a cab to pick me up and within thirty minutes I was speeding across London and towards his hotel room. I felt every eye was on me as I strode past the concierge’s desk and to the elevator, quickly stepping in and pressing the button to the fourteenth floor as Leonard had directed.
A ‘Do not Disturb’ sign was hung on
The bill was presented between two fortune cookies. His was empty. Mine just said,
Stop searching.
‘What on earth does that mean?’ I said.
‘I think the waiters just didn’t like us,’ he laughed. ‘You’re not superstitious, are you, sensible Miss Lily?’
‘I’m not very superstitious. But I’m not always sensible, either.’ I screwed up the piece of paper with its italic font and tossed it into my bag.
A chill was in the air as we stepped out onto the narrow cobbled street with its rows of red flags and lanterns winking in the darkness. I huddled into the collar of my biker jacket.
He hadn’t brought a coat along and pushed his hands into his jeans pockets to keep them warm.
I leaned towards him, and took one of his hands in mine.
‘Shall we?’ I said, stepping off the kerb with my hand linked with his, as if this added contact was nothing.
We walked like that through Soho, past the sex shops and the parade of coffee bars and noisy clubs, and briefly I thought of Liana and wondered what she would say when I eventually confided in her about Leonard. Until then I would hold this moment, and his hand, tight, like a secret.
His whole body tightened when I kissed him.
‘Oh, Lily,’ he said, breaking away from me. ‘I can’t kiss you now. You might regret it in the morning.’
‘I won’t. I know that I won’t.’
I tried to kiss him again and he caught my chin in his hand.
‘Believe me. It’s not that I don’t want to. I do. More than anything.’
‘Then why not?’ I asked. I was hurt now, and rejected, and I wanted to stamp my foot.
‘You should be with someone your own age. This is crazy. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have met with you again. This is my fault entirely.’
‘I don’t want someone my own age,’ I insisted. ‘I want you.’
‘Lily … Go home and sleep. Then talk to me in the morning.’
He kissed my cheek lightly and then turned and walked away.
That night I slept fitfully and not before sliding a hand under the covers and between my legs and orchestrating a blissful orgasm. Alcohol dulled my senses and always made my climaxes harder to reach, and as the wave of pleasure that I strained for seemed almost in sight but still torturously far away, I imagined Leonard’s hands caressing my breasts and his tongue rasping against my nipples and the sound of his voice whispering terrible things into my ear and the heat of his breath against my skin. I came hard, thinking of him.
In the morning I felt somehow as if he knew what I had been thinking of as I had touched myself under the sheets the night before.
I rolled over and reached for my phone to check my emails as had become my habit since we had begun corresponding. Now I looked for Leonard’s emails before I thought to do anything else, and on the rare mornings that I didn’t receive one something felt at odds, as if I was wearing shoes with no socks on underneath.
His name flashed dark in my inbox and I smiled as I clicked on the message:
?
Just a single question mark.
The images that had soothed me to sleep flashed back into my mind.
I replied.
I still want you.
And pressed send.
His reply came just a few minutes later.
Come to the hotel.
He sent a cab to pick me up and within thirty minutes I was speeding across London and towards his hotel room. I felt every eye was on me as I strode past the concierge’s desk and to the elevator, quickly stepping in and pressing the button to the fourteenth floor as Leonard had directed.
A ‘Do not Disturb’ sign was hung on
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