will be time to torture myself over them later. Right now, I have time with my father. And there are questions. Hundreds of questions.
But he preempts me.
“I’ll never forgive myself for what I’ve done to you boys, to our family. That’s a regret I’ll take to the grave. That and a dozen others. I was young. And stupid. Something neither of you boys is. You won’t make a mess of things like I did. I know that. I trust you both to do the right thing. Always.”
He pauses before he continues. His face wrinkles into a cringe. I’m sure he’s beating himself up over his choices. Probably like he’s done hundreds of times over the last many, many years.
“I hope you can forgive me one day. In the end, I thought I was doing what was best. For you. For our family. Cash,” he says, turning his attention toward my brother, who has been sitting beside me, quietly observing. “I know it seems unfair that I didn’t tell you about your brother, but you were such a hothead. I knew what you’d do. Pretending to be him, learning some self-control and having a healthy focus for all your anger seemed like a good way to help you turn your life in a different direction. I never meant to hurt you. I hope you can see that.”
Cash says nothing. His face is a blank, unreadable mask. Even to me, his twin.
And then Dad turns to me. “And Nash, I knew you’d make it. I’ve never met a person more determined to succeed. You were born driven. And you were always a good kid. I knew you’d do what I asked you to do, without question.” He looks down at the table, like he can’t bear to look me in the eye. I see his throat work as he swallows hard before glancing up at me again. “I didn’t realize you had so much of your brother in you. But I should’ve. I should’ve known you’d be angry, that you wouldn’t be able to let it go. By sending you away, I turned you into something you hate. But don’t you ever think for one second that I’m not proud of you. You survived. You made a way for yourself without . . . anything or anyone. So few people could do that as adults and you were just a kid. I relied on you more than any parent has a right to. I only hope that one day you’ll see what that means. What it meant to me and your brother, what it would’ve meant to your mother. What it should mean to you as a man. And I also hope you can see your way clear of these years. Forgive yourself. Find a way to get back the life you gave up. Losing it would be the biggest tragedy of all. If your mother were alive, it would kill her to see you give up.”
Guiltily, he looks back and forth between me and Cash.
“You boys were like two halves of the same person from the day you were born. Like night and day, north and south. Up and down. I always hoped you could find a little bit of each other. It was all you ever needed, just a touch of what the other had. I would never have wished for this, though. I was proud of you both, regardless. I never wanted this for you—this pain, this hard life, this much regret and anger. I only ever wanted what was best for you. I did the best I could, with what information I had. It may not seem like it, but I always put you first. I just made a lot of bad decisions along the way.”
“We’re gettin’ ready to make at least a few wrongs right, Dad. We’ve got—”
Dad cuts off Cash, shaking his head. “Let this go, son. I’m paying for my sins. Maybe not what they
think
I’m paying for, but I’m paying nonetheless. I’ve lived my life. You two have so much ahead of you. Don’t let the past dictate your future. Move on. Find a job worth working, a wife worth having, and a life worth living. Don’t keep making mistakes that’ll keep boxing you in. Do the right thing. Let it go and move on.”
“And what? Forget that our father was wrongly imprisoned? That he was blamed for a heinous crime he didn’t commit?”
“I don’t expect you to forget. I’m just asking you to let it
But he preempts me.
“I’ll never forgive myself for what I’ve done to you boys, to our family. That’s a regret I’ll take to the grave. That and a dozen others. I was young. And stupid. Something neither of you boys is. You won’t make a mess of things like I did. I know that. I trust you both to do the right thing. Always.”
He pauses before he continues. His face wrinkles into a cringe. I’m sure he’s beating himself up over his choices. Probably like he’s done hundreds of times over the last many, many years.
“I hope you can forgive me one day. In the end, I thought I was doing what was best. For you. For our family. Cash,” he says, turning his attention toward my brother, who has been sitting beside me, quietly observing. “I know it seems unfair that I didn’t tell you about your brother, but you were such a hothead. I knew what you’d do. Pretending to be him, learning some self-control and having a healthy focus for all your anger seemed like a good way to help you turn your life in a different direction. I never meant to hurt you. I hope you can see that.”
Cash says nothing. His face is a blank, unreadable mask. Even to me, his twin.
And then Dad turns to me. “And Nash, I knew you’d make it. I’ve never met a person more determined to succeed. You were born driven. And you were always a good kid. I knew you’d do what I asked you to do, without question.” He looks down at the table, like he can’t bear to look me in the eye. I see his throat work as he swallows hard before glancing up at me again. “I didn’t realize you had so much of your brother in you. But I should’ve. I should’ve known you’d be angry, that you wouldn’t be able to let it go. By sending you away, I turned you into something you hate. But don’t you ever think for one second that I’m not proud of you. You survived. You made a way for yourself without . . . anything or anyone. So few people could do that as adults and you were just a kid. I relied on you more than any parent has a right to. I only hope that one day you’ll see what that means. What it meant to me and your brother, what it would’ve meant to your mother. What it should mean to you as a man. And I also hope you can see your way clear of these years. Forgive yourself. Find a way to get back the life you gave up. Losing it would be the biggest tragedy of all. If your mother were alive, it would kill her to see you give up.”
Guiltily, he looks back and forth between me and Cash.
“You boys were like two halves of the same person from the day you were born. Like night and day, north and south. Up and down. I always hoped you could find a little bit of each other. It was all you ever needed, just a touch of what the other had. I would never have wished for this, though. I was proud of you both, regardless. I never wanted this for you—this pain, this hard life, this much regret and anger. I only ever wanted what was best for you. I did the best I could, with what information I had. It may not seem like it, but I always put you first. I just made a lot of bad decisions along the way.”
“We’re gettin’ ready to make at least a few wrongs right, Dad. We’ve got—”
Dad cuts off Cash, shaking his head. “Let this go, son. I’m paying for my sins. Maybe not what they
think
I’m paying for, but I’m paying nonetheless. I’ve lived my life. You two have so much ahead of you. Don’t let the past dictate your future. Move on. Find a job worth working, a wife worth having, and a life worth living. Don’t keep making mistakes that’ll keep boxing you in. Do the right thing. Let it go and move on.”
“And what? Forget that our father was wrongly imprisoned? That he was blamed for a heinous crime he didn’t commit?”
“I don’t expect you to forget. I’m just asking you to let it
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