aren't we? More than food,
though, I want to be by the fire. Its warmth beckons to me from across
the room, but I don't even look at the fireplace. "I'm tired.
I'm going to bed." I turn and leave without waiting for a
reply. Somehow, Matt beats me to the stairs.
He stands on the first step between me and my
destination. I stop and glare up at him. “Move out of the way.”
“What are you going to do if I don’t?” he replies.
“Put me in a box?”
His words are so unexpected that my anger turns to
confusion. I narrow my eyes at him, trying to hold onto it. “If I
had a box and a giant robot that listened to me, I just might.”
He winks at me. “Good thing the giant robots are
mine.”
“Are you going to move out of my way?”
“You can’t go to bed without dinner.” He fixes me with
a look that says he is no longer playing.
“I. Want. To go. To my room.”
Matt shrugs and steps aside. As I hurry past him, he
says, “I’ll have Alayna bring something up.”
I reach the landing and look back, sighing heavily. I
open my mouth to tell him not to bother, but he speaks first.
With a little grin, he says, “Unless you prefer that I bring
it myself.”
My glance turns into an angry glare. “Don’t you dare,”
I mutter, jerk the door open, go in, and slam it after me. I spend the
next ten minutes pacing and fretting over the possibility that the food will
arrive in Matt’s hands, not Alayna’s. Adrenaline surges through my whole
body. When there’s a knock at the door, I answer it with my knife drawn.
Alayna’s old yellow eyes go a touch bigger, then look away
from me. She hurries past me with a metal tray laden in a delicious array
of sliced meat in gravy, apple chunks sprinkled with cinnamon, and a steaming
cup of tea. As much as I want to reject it, the food is far too
appealing. Alayna leaves me alone to eat, and I munch in silence, trying
to forget how angry I am. Trying to forget that I’ve lost everything.
Chapter 7: Caged
Sleep does not come easily, though I'm so exhausted by now
that I do sleep some. I toss and turn. I wake at every noise.
My dreams are troubled by Sentries and Matt. At some point, I have a
glimpse of the white tower I’ve been dreaming of for months, but it has moved
farther away than ever. In my dream, I experience a dreadful finality
that I will never reach it, and nestled within that finality is the sense that
I will never be complete. I wake in darkness, breathing hard, feeling
like I have seen my own death occur within my life. Somehow this is worse
than normal death, which is an ending. This death goes on and on.
An hour before dawn I'm staring wide-eyed at the ceiling,
trying not to panic. My whole body is gripped with unspecified
horror. I force down each breath. I tell my heart not to
explode. Frozen, I clench my fists at my sides and wait for something to
make it all stop. For some event, some change, some sign. The sun
rises and its rays spill in the window, first slowly, then in full
brilliance. I'm not sure when it happens, but sometime between then and
now, I become capable of moving. Of pretending to feel normal, if not
actually feeling normal.
I rise, stand in front of the wall mirror, and stare at
myself. Who is this person? I still don't know. She looks
young, and beautiful, and strong. I feel the exact opposite of all these
things. Four months of life is a thousand years. My soul is stained
with death and despair. I am so, so tired. There is still so much
that separates us, and yet, there are things that we share. We have both
lost everything that mattered. First her, then me. I touch the mark
on my forehead, closing my eyes. When I open them and gaze at her, my
hand slips to my mouth. I lean in and pull down my lip, where the name
'Jason' is printed clearly in the mirror's reflection. My mind rearranges
the letters automatically as I read
though, I want to be by the fire. Its warmth beckons to me from across
the room, but I don't even look at the fireplace. "I'm tired.
I'm going to bed." I turn and leave without waiting for a
reply. Somehow, Matt beats me to the stairs.
He stands on the first step between me and my
destination. I stop and glare up at him. “Move out of the way.”
“What are you going to do if I don’t?” he replies.
“Put me in a box?”
His words are so unexpected that my anger turns to
confusion. I narrow my eyes at him, trying to hold onto it. “If I
had a box and a giant robot that listened to me, I just might.”
He winks at me. “Good thing the giant robots are
mine.”
“Are you going to move out of my way?”
“You can’t go to bed without dinner.” He fixes me with
a look that says he is no longer playing.
“I. Want. To go. To my room.”
Matt shrugs and steps aside. As I hurry past him, he
says, “I’ll have Alayna bring something up.”
I reach the landing and look back, sighing heavily. I
open my mouth to tell him not to bother, but he speaks first.
With a little grin, he says, “Unless you prefer that I bring
it myself.”
My glance turns into an angry glare. “Don’t you dare,”
I mutter, jerk the door open, go in, and slam it after me. I spend the
next ten minutes pacing and fretting over the possibility that the food will
arrive in Matt’s hands, not Alayna’s. Adrenaline surges through my whole
body. When there’s a knock at the door, I answer it with my knife drawn.
Alayna’s old yellow eyes go a touch bigger, then look away
from me. She hurries past me with a metal tray laden in a delicious array
of sliced meat in gravy, apple chunks sprinkled with cinnamon, and a steaming
cup of tea. As much as I want to reject it, the food is far too
appealing. Alayna leaves me alone to eat, and I munch in silence, trying
to forget how angry I am. Trying to forget that I’ve lost everything.
Chapter 7: Caged
Sleep does not come easily, though I'm so exhausted by now
that I do sleep some. I toss and turn. I wake at every noise.
My dreams are troubled by Sentries and Matt. At some point, I have a
glimpse of the white tower I’ve been dreaming of for months, but it has moved
farther away than ever. In my dream, I experience a dreadful finality
that I will never reach it, and nestled within that finality is the sense that
I will never be complete. I wake in darkness, breathing hard, feeling
like I have seen my own death occur within my life. Somehow this is worse
than normal death, which is an ending. This death goes on and on.
An hour before dawn I'm staring wide-eyed at the ceiling,
trying not to panic. My whole body is gripped with unspecified
horror. I force down each breath. I tell my heart not to
explode. Frozen, I clench my fists at my sides and wait for something to
make it all stop. For some event, some change, some sign. The sun
rises and its rays spill in the window, first slowly, then in full
brilliance. I'm not sure when it happens, but sometime between then and
now, I become capable of moving. Of pretending to feel normal, if not
actually feeling normal.
I rise, stand in front of the wall mirror, and stare at
myself. Who is this person? I still don't know. She looks
young, and beautiful, and strong. I feel the exact opposite of all these
things. Four months of life is a thousand years. My soul is stained
with death and despair. I am so, so tired. There is still so much
that separates us, and yet, there are things that we share. We have both
lost everything that mattered. First her, then me. I touch the mark
on my forehead, closing my eyes. When I open them and gaze at her, my
hand slips to my mouth. I lean in and pull down my lip, where the name
'Jason' is printed clearly in the mirror's reflection. My mind rearranges
the letters automatically as I read