Falter Kingdom by Michael J Seidlinger

you know?
    I know I think about this a lot. But unlike most things, I don’t find it any easier the more I think about it. I don’t see it happening. She’s there, and she’s been at my side for as long as there could be anyone at my side. It helps when you’ve got someone who does everything for you.
    But at the same time I feel bad, because that’s also what my mom tries to do, smother me and stuff, and it’s kind of like saying, I’ll let her but I won’t let you.
    But feelings are like that. They are complicated.
    I don’t know what to feel about what’s going on. That’s a good example.
    Another complicated situation is the shower situation.
    No way I’m going back in there.
    I’ll brush my teeth at school.
    I’ll use the gym showers during lunch period or something.
    I’ll boycott that bathroom.
    Guess I shouldn’t—facing your fears is important, right?
    But then I’m rushing to get to school on time because I’ve been absent a lot.
    First period’s already started when I pull into my parking space, but she’s right there, sitting cross-legged on the sidewalk. I shut the engine off and walk over, sit next to her. She doesn’t say anything. I don’t say anything. When I try to hug her, she pushes me away.
    â€œIt’s just...” Then she stands up. “The way you touch me, it’s different. Like colder or whatever.”
    I guess it’s to be expected. She was going to do this.
    â€œDon’t be mad, ‘kay? Like, it’s just my imagination but I... want us to keep some distance until we get this fixed.”
    I shrug. “Sure, whatever.”
    â€œYou sound mad.”
    I’m not mad but I go with it, because I don’t have to even say why I’d be mad, it’s all laid out for me. “Maybe.”
    â€œHunter...” She kneels next to me. “I just don’t want to be near that thing. And if it’s attached to you... if we, like, do anything... even a kiss, it’s...”
    It’s hard to explain, I know.
    â€œYou know?”
    But in this case, I’ll pretend I don’t. “Whatever.”
    Becca brought to her knees...
    â€œI’m sorry, so sorry.” She hugs me but there’s nothing to it. Like she hugs me in a way where her arms wrap around me but there’s no feeling.
    I sit here until she leaves, swearing that nothing’s changed.
    But everything’s going to change.
    I think that long before I even realize.
    Walking the halls is different today. But this isn’t really surprising. Tell Becca and the whole world will know. That means I need to figure out how to explain it to Jon-Jon. That means I need to get ready to never hear the end of it from Blaire. That also means, ah, shit, Brad being Brad. He’s going to be an asshole about it, I’m sure.
    But the school, it changes shape. Becca wants to keep her distance and suddenly I walk the halls and people... I don’t know all their names, but I think one girl’s named Stephanie and that guy saying, “Hell yeah, man,” is named Raul—I think we talked a little when we had summer school that one time back in... junior year? Anyway, word gets around, yeah. And real quick, like anything else.
    Everyone at Meadows, including the teachers, knows that I ran the gauntlet and I succeeded.
    Meaning, I’m haunted.
    But that’s kind of the point people are trying to prove when they decide to run. They face the darkness of that tunnel and they facethe fears of Falter Kingdom. They run because, if they do, they’ll be remembered for it.
    I want to believe that I ran for the same reasons.
    I’ve gone on about this, I think, but it’s hard to do much of anything today. The halls are full of faces that congratulate me on what happened.
    What did I do, I mean really?
    From a sophomore who says he ran it too but lasted only, like, five minutes: