Fianna Kelly Versus the Jeebees: A Collection of Steampunk Stories by Harry Dodgson Page A
Authors: Harry Dodgson
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to clean himself up and report in the morning.
By the way, how are you handling your instant popularity?"
"Having
my picture in the Times, no matter the reason, will please my family and
friends. However, I am still hoping to enter the tournament and return home
with the prize money."
"What
are the tournament prizes like?"
"Just
five bob for each round, a few quid for various special events, and a grand
prize of 100 quid to the overall champion."
"I
think we can do better than that. Lieutenant Stewart! Front and centre if you
please!"
"How
can you do better than 100 quid. It takes years to earn that much in an
occupation. It will be a small fortune for me."
"Do
you know how many G.B.H.I.s that you killed?"
I
was feeling insulted and let it show in my tone, "No, I was too busy
defending the lives of myself and y our soldiers to keep count."
"Perhaps
your automaton has a count."
"Okay,
if you really must know." I addressed Bradan, "Would you please tell
us the number of jeebees that I killed?"
A
TOTAL OF THIRTY-TWO
"Is
that all? I fired every rifle cartridge they gave me."
MANY
ONLY WOUNDED
The
Colonel looked past me. "Lieutenant! What is the bounty for 32
G.B.H.I.s?"
"At
25 pounds each, the total is 800 pounds," he replied without hesitation.
"Just
before we left the base, I received a proclamation that the G.B.H.I.s were to
be treated as an enemy of the crown and a reward was being offered for them, as
the Americans are so fond of saying 'Dead or Alive'."
I
was stunned. "Don't I need proof of that, some part of them, to claim a
bounty?"
"I
can clearly see your automaton burying the proof. Plus, we all know who killed
their leader and won the day." He looked back at the Lieutenant. "You
should not keep the lady waiting any longer than necessary. She has an
appointment to keep."
"Yes
sir, I am writing out the cheque now, sir."
I
stared at them. I had expected to come home with a generous amount of prize
money from the tournament, not a sum this large. "Thank you. I seem to be
in your debt again." I said.
"I'd
like to think that we do not owe one another, but England is indebted to you
and your automaton."
"How
about your soldiers? Will they be receiving bounties?"
"They
will be getting medals, promotions, and other compensations."
I
took the cheque from the Lieutenant and looked at it carefully. "Is this
good at the jewellery shoppes?"
The
Lieutenant replied, "I recommend you exchange it for ten pound notes and
have your automaton hold onto most of them until you get home. London can be a
dangerous city for tourists."
I
laughed and when he realised what he had just said joined me; followed by
everyone in earshot.
• June 10
I
arrived early at the tournaments grounds hoping for a miracle. I had the
Enfield-Martini in its case over my shoulder while Bradan carried the other
rifle and pistol. There was a tall man with a tall hat standing near the
entrance. He looked imposing. It seemed like he had to bend over to look at me.
"Can
I help you?"
"I
am here to compete."
"May
I see your registration card?"
"I
don't have one."
"Registration
was yesterday. You should have been given one of these entry cards then."
"I
missed registration. I was busy fighting a war."
"We
do not accept excuses. We have rules and procedures so that everyone is treated
the same."
A
distinguished man came over carrying a dull green metal box. He said,
"Mister, do you know who I am?"
"Yes,
sir." The attendant stammered, "Everyone knows you, sir. It is an
honour to meet you."
"Do
you think it is right to exclude this young woman because she was
understandably late in registering?"
"I
don't make the rules. I just follow them."
"Can
I see that card?"
"They
gave me a blank registration card so that I would know what they look
like."
"So
all it needs is her name there and an authorised signature here, correct?"
He
brought out a pen and filled in the indicated spaces, then handed it to me.
"It
looks to me like
By the way, how are you handling your instant popularity?"
"Having
my picture in the Times, no matter the reason, will please my family and
friends. However, I am still hoping to enter the tournament and return home
with the prize money."
"What
are the tournament prizes like?"
"Just
five bob for each round, a few quid for various special events, and a grand
prize of 100 quid to the overall champion."
"I
think we can do better than that. Lieutenant Stewart! Front and centre if you
please!"
"How
can you do better than 100 quid. It takes years to earn that much in an
occupation. It will be a small fortune for me."
"Do
you know how many G.B.H.I.s that you killed?"
I
was feeling insulted and let it show in my tone, "No, I was too busy
defending the lives of myself and y our soldiers to keep count."
"Perhaps
your automaton has a count."
"Okay,
if you really must know." I addressed Bradan, "Would you please tell
us the number of jeebees that I killed?"
A
TOTAL OF THIRTY-TWO
"Is
that all? I fired every rifle cartridge they gave me."
MANY
ONLY WOUNDED
The
Colonel looked past me. "Lieutenant! What is the bounty for 32
G.B.H.I.s?"
"At
25 pounds each, the total is 800 pounds," he replied without hesitation.
"Just
before we left the base, I received a proclamation that the G.B.H.I.s were to
be treated as an enemy of the crown and a reward was being offered for them, as
the Americans are so fond of saying 'Dead or Alive'."
I
was stunned. "Don't I need proof of that, some part of them, to claim a
bounty?"
"I
can clearly see your automaton burying the proof. Plus, we all know who killed
their leader and won the day." He looked back at the Lieutenant. "You
should not keep the lady waiting any longer than necessary. She has an
appointment to keep."
"Yes
sir, I am writing out the cheque now, sir."
I
stared at them. I had expected to come home with a generous amount of prize
money from the tournament, not a sum this large. "Thank you. I seem to be
in your debt again." I said.
"I'd
like to think that we do not owe one another, but England is indebted to you
and your automaton."
"How
about your soldiers? Will they be receiving bounties?"
"They
will be getting medals, promotions, and other compensations."
I
took the cheque from the Lieutenant and looked at it carefully. "Is this
good at the jewellery shoppes?"
The
Lieutenant replied, "I recommend you exchange it for ten pound notes and
have your automaton hold onto most of them until you get home. London can be a
dangerous city for tourists."
I
laughed and when he realised what he had just said joined me; followed by
everyone in earshot.
• June 10
I
arrived early at the tournaments grounds hoping for a miracle. I had the
Enfield-Martini in its case over my shoulder while Bradan carried the other
rifle and pistol. There was a tall man with a tall hat standing near the
entrance. He looked imposing. It seemed like he had to bend over to look at me.
"Can
I help you?"
"I
am here to compete."
"May
I see your registration card?"
"I
don't have one."
"Registration
was yesterday. You should have been given one of these entry cards then."
"I
missed registration. I was busy fighting a war."
"We
do not accept excuses. We have rules and procedures so that everyone is treated
the same."
A
distinguished man came over carrying a dull green metal box. He said,
"Mister, do you know who I am?"
"Yes,
sir." The attendant stammered, "Everyone knows you, sir. It is an
honour to meet you."
"Do
you think it is right to exclude this young woman because she was
understandably late in registering?"
"I
don't make the rules. I just follow them."
"Can
I see that card?"
"They
gave me a blank registration card so that I would know what they look
like."
"So
all it needs is her name there and an authorised signature here, correct?"
He
brought out a pen and filled in the indicated spaces, then handed it to me.
"It
looks to me like
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