FIRST ONE DOWN: A Paul Sutton Novel by R.J. Belle

for Kali Hanson was that she was in love with a man who was bad for her in every possible way, and she didn't care. It was that simple. And, it was that complicated.
    Trying to get over Nate was a futile effort for her. She felt his presence all around, she heard his voice in her mind, she could smell his masculinity as if he were standing right next to her, and she found it impossible to let his memory go. The past twenty-two months had been like a living hell for her. The way she felt with him absent was borderline frantic. Everything about who she was and how she acted had changed since she left Nate. If she was honest with herself, she had begun to change drastically during the time she was with him. The experiences she had had with Nate had opened her mind up to a world she hadn't known existed. She had fallen into a world that consumed her and feelings that made her different inside. She knew there was no going back, and that she was forever changed. That knowledge is what drew her to him, still. She didn't know how any other man could ever accept or love what she had become, or overlook where she had been. She was damaged and the only man who could understand the parts of her that were damaged now, or how to put her broken pieces back together and make her feel whole, was the same man who had broken her in the first place.
    "The usual, Kali?" asked Carmen, the sweetheart of a barista behind the counter.
    "Yes please," Kali said.
    Her usual was a large cappuccino with non-fat milk and three stripes on top, and Kali loved how they made it. The small bookstore-coffee house was one of Kali's favorite places in all of San Diego. She spent time there every week drinking cappuccinos, looking at books and thinking. Being at the coffee house and running were the two places where she was able to clear her mind. Clearing her mind wouldn't happen today though. Thoughts of the journal waiting in her tote bag had weighed on her mind all day while at work. She wanted to read herself through the first night that Nate had shown her his world. Being a girl who always over-analyzed everything, Kali was constantly trying to fit the pieces together of her time with Nate in a way that would make sense to her. In a way that she could wrap up in a nice, pretty package, understand, and get past. She knew this was unrealistic. Truthfully, she was lying to herself, giving herself an excuse for wanting to read through the journal entries. Really, she just wanted to feel close to him.
    Kali walked to the upstairs sitting area and curled up into her favorite rocking chair. She set her cappuccino on the small, round table nearby and retrieved the worn black journal form her tote bag. She flipped through the pages until she came to the entry she had been waiting all day to read.
    July 7, 2008
    "WOW, what a weekend! I don't even know where to begin. I am just going to take you through it from the start.
    Nate picked me up on Friday morning and took me to Sunset Bay Resort in Coronado. We checked in, and he took our luggage to our room, which he did not allow me to see, so I waited in the lobby for him for what seemed like forever. When he came back, he took me to the spa at our resort. We had a fabulously relaxing couple’s massage, changed into our suits and spent the day on the beach laughing, touching, kissing and talking. I don't think we have spent that much time just being engaged in random conversation since we met! I learned so much about him and, he opened up and shared the horrors of his childhood, ones that he had only alluded to previously. My heart broke for him as he was telling me his story, and I can't help but wonder how a child can survive such horrors. It also makes me understand where that brokenness in him comes from and his oddities make more sense to me now. He seemed different that day, I saw the cracks in his armor clearly, and his face appeared more real, more human and less forced. Even his smile appeared genuine as I