Fluke: Or, I Know Why the Winged Whale Sings by Christopher Moore

four days to put together a lecture. I'm going to go to my cabin and do it."
    "How? On what?"
    "I'm thinking, 'Humpbacks: Our Wet and Wondrous Pals of the Deep -' "
    "There's going to be a lot of researchers there. Biologists -" Nate interrupted.
    " '- and Why We Should Poke Them with Sticks.' "
    "Better," Nate said.
    "I got it covered," she said, and she walked out.
    For some reason he felt hopeful. Excited. Just for a second. Then, after he'd watched her walk out, a wave of melancholy swept over him and for the thirtieth time that day he regretted that he hadn't just become a pharmacist, or a charter captain, or something that made you feel more alive, like a pirate.
    * * *
    The old broad lived on a volcano and believed that the whales talked to her. She called about noon, and Nate knew it was her before he even answered. He knew, because she always called when it was too windy to go out.
    "Nathan, why aren't you out in the channel?" the Old Broad said.
    "Hello, Elizabeth, how are you today?"
    "Don't change the subject. They told me that they want to talk to you. Today. Why aren't you out there?"
    "You know why I'm not out there, Elizabeth. It's too windy. You can see the whitecaps as well as I can." From the slope of Haleakala, the Old Broad watched the activity in the channel with a two-hundred-power celestial telescope and a pair of "big eyes" binoculars that looked like stereo bazookas on precision mounts that were anchored into a ton of concrete.
    "Well, they're upset that you're not out there. That's why I called."
    "And I appreciate your calling, Elizabeth, but I'm in the middle of something."
    Nate hoped he didn't sound too rude. The Old Broad meant well. And they, in a way, were all at the mercy of her generosity, for although she had "donated" the Papa Lani compound, she hadn't exactly signed it over to them. They were in a sort of permanent lease situation. Elizabeth Robinson was, however, very generous and very kindhearted indeed, even if she was a total loon.
    "Nathan, I am not a total loon," she said.
    Oh yes you are, he thought. "I know you're not," he said. "But I really have to get some work done today."
    "What are you working on?" Elizabeth asked. Nate could hear her tapping a pencil on her desk. She took notes during their conversations. He didn't know what she did with the notes, but it bothered him.
    "I have a lecture at the sanctuary in four days." Why, why had he told her? Why? Now she'd rattle down the mountain in her ancient Mercedes that looked like a Nazi staff car, sit in the audience, and ask all the questions that she knew in advance he couldn't answer.
    "That shouldn't be hard. You've done that before, what, twenty times?"
    "Yes, but someone broke in to the compound yesterday, Elizabeth. All my notes, the tapes, the analysis – it's all destroyed."
    There was silence on the line for a moment. Nate could hear the Old Broad breathing. Finally, "I'm really sorry, Nathan. Is everyone all right?"
    "Yes, it happened while we were out working."
    "Is there anything I can do? I mean, I can't send much, but if -"
    "No, we're all right. It's just a lot of work that I have to start over." The Old Broad might have been loaded at one time, and she certainly would be again if she sold the land where Papa Lani stood, but Nate didn't think that she had a lot of money to spare after the last bear market. Even if she did, this wasn't a problem that could be solved with cash.
    "Well, then, you get back to work, but try to get out tomorrow. There's a big male out there who told me he wants you to bring him a hot pastrami on rye."
    Nate grinned and almost snorted into the phone. "Elizabeth, you know they don't eat while they're in these waters."
    "I'm just relaying the message, Nathan. Don't you snicker at me. He's a big male, broad, like he just came down from Alaska – frankly, I don't know why he'd be hungry, he's as big as a house. But anyway, Swiss and hot English mustard, he was very clear about that. He