bite right after the words quietly slip from her mouth.
Going home.
“Home? You’re going home,” I whisper, suddenly feeling dizzy. I can’t help her. I’m failing completely; I don’t know how to fix it.
“I… Bray…” She looks up at me, I want to cry and hug her and never let go.
Alexis
I can’t look at him. I feel so damn bad that I’m letting him down, but what does he expect? I can’t walk without assistance. Even when I get my prosthetic, I’m still in need of assistance until I get used to being on my own with it. I can’t ask him to do that. It’s going to be months before I’m fully mobile again… I can’t be that burden on him.
My first therapy session was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure, because attempting to move a leg that isn’t really there, or half way there, is the hardest emotional thing ever. Looking down and seeing nothing. Feeling phantom pains and phantom itches then reaching down to scratch and come up empty handed. Things like that mess with a person’s mind. I used to be a whole person, and now I’m not. I cry myself to sleep at night after Braydon thinks I’m asleep and passes out himself. I look at myself in the mirror and don’t know the girl I see. I need to get through this, but I need to be grounded in order to do that. Living at Braydon’s place will result in him resenting me, because he won’t bring girls back with the cripple best friend there. He won’t go out with friends because he’ll be too worried I’ll try something and hurt myself. I know him. He holds those he loves close, and after losing Lane like we did, I know he wouldn’t let go of me easily if I were in his care.
That’s why moving home, for the time being, is the only option I see fit. I can’t go back to Lane’s. I can’t live there without him. I can’t get my apartment back since I broke the lease, and there’s no way I’d be able to afford anything else in this town without a job now. No, I can’t do any of that, I’m back to square one. Living in my parents’ house, learning how to live with this new life I’ve been unfortunately handed.
“You don’t have to do that, you know?” His voice is raw, full of unshed tears, it breaks my heart I’m doing this to him, but I can’t back down. He has to live. He won’t do that with me there. “I’m fully capable and willing to take… to care for…” He clears his throat and shakes his head at me, his entire demeanor screams sadness, it’s breaking my heart. “I can do it, Al.”
“I know, Bray. I do. But…” I trail off and make the mistake of looking up at him, feeling so many emotions I’m not sure what to do with, the one that shines through is one that I’m deathly afraid of.
Fuck. Me.
“But nothing, Al. You know I’d take care of you.”
Shit. No… this is even more why I have to get away from him. I can’t feel this way for him. My brain is taking his kindness and friendship and turning it into something that it thinks I need! Shit!
“I know, Braydon. I know this… but I need some time to focus on learning to live within my means. I can’t… I’m not… I’m…” Shit. Have his eyes always been that beautiful? Oh my God I can’t stop shaking. And sweating. The window’s open, but it feels stuffy in here.
I think I might faint.
“You’re what, Alexis? Are you hurting? Can I get you something?” His hand rests on mine, suddenly the room stops spinning, all I can see are our hands connected and all I feel is peace. Peace that right now in this moment things are okay, I’m going to get better, and one day in the future maybe I’ll have that happiness I have always strived for. The happiness I had, but was taken away from me abruptly. Maybe one day, but first, I need to find myself again.
“I’m sorry Braydon, but I can’t do that do you.” Taking a breath, I pull my hand away from his and look out the window, trying to refocus myself.
I have to do this. I can’t be
Going home.
“Home? You’re going home,” I whisper, suddenly feeling dizzy. I can’t help her. I’m failing completely; I don’t know how to fix it.
“I… Bray…” She looks up at me, I want to cry and hug her and never let go.
Alexis
I can’t look at him. I feel so damn bad that I’m letting him down, but what does he expect? I can’t walk without assistance. Even when I get my prosthetic, I’m still in need of assistance until I get used to being on my own with it. I can’t ask him to do that. It’s going to be months before I’m fully mobile again… I can’t be that burden on him.
My first therapy session was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure, because attempting to move a leg that isn’t really there, or half way there, is the hardest emotional thing ever. Looking down and seeing nothing. Feeling phantom pains and phantom itches then reaching down to scratch and come up empty handed. Things like that mess with a person’s mind. I used to be a whole person, and now I’m not. I cry myself to sleep at night after Braydon thinks I’m asleep and passes out himself. I look at myself in the mirror and don’t know the girl I see. I need to get through this, but I need to be grounded in order to do that. Living at Braydon’s place will result in him resenting me, because he won’t bring girls back with the cripple best friend there. He won’t go out with friends because he’ll be too worried I’ll try something and hurt myself. I know him. He holds those he loves close, and after losing Lane like we did, I know he wouldn’t let go of me easily if I were in his care.
That’s why moving home, for the time being, is the only option I see fit. I can’t go back to Lane’s. I can’t live there without him. I can’t get my apartment back since I broke the lease, and there’s no way I’d be able to afford anything else in this town without a job now. No, I can’t do any of that, I’m back to square one. Living in my parents’ house, learning how to live with this new life I’ve been unfortunately handed.
“You don’t have to do that, you know?” His voice is raw, full of unshed tears, it breaks my heart I’m doing this to him, but I can’t back down. He has to live. He won’t do that with me there. “I’m fully capable and willing to take… to care for…” He clears his throat and shakes his head at me, his entire demeanor screams sadness, it’s breaking my heart. “I can do it, Al.”
“I know, Bray. I do. But…” I trail off and make the mistake of looking up at him, feeling so many emotions I’m not sure what to do with, the one that shines through is one that I’m deathly afraid of.
Fuck. Me.
“But nothing, Al. You know I’d take care of you.”
Shit. No… this is even more why I have to get away from him. I can’t feel this way for him. My brain is taking his kindness and friendship and turning it into something that it thinks I need! Shit!
“I know, Braydon. I know this… but I need some time to focus on learning to live within my means. I can’t… I’m not… I’m…” Shit. Have his eyes always been that beautiful? Oh my God I can’t stop shaking. And sweating. The window’s open, but it feels stuffy in here.
I think I might faint.
“You’re what, Alexis? Are you hurting? Can I get you something?” His hand rests on mine, suddenly the room stops spinning, all I can see are our hands connected and all I feel is peace. Peace that right now in this moment things are okay, I’m going to get better, and one day in the future maybe I’ll have that happiness I have always strived for. The happiness I had, but was taken away from me abruptly. Maybe one day, but first, I need to find myself again.
“I’m sorry Braydon, but I can’t do that do you.” Taking a breath, I pull my hand away from his and look out the window, trying to refocus myself.
I have to do this. I can’t be
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