Forgive Me by Melanie Walker

and fury, a toxic mix from what she just told me. They all knew, all of them. I saw it clear as day on their faces when she dropped the bomb of all psych bombs. The last two years have been torture while I sat and killed myself every night, falling asleep to the image of her in bed with another mans arms around her. Now I find out that man had put his hands on what was and would always be mine.
    I was going to kill that fucker the minute I found him.
    “ Why are you doing any of this? Why tell me that? Why come be best fucking friends with my dad? Did you want to keep me looking like a fool, no clue what was really going on back home? Well good fucking job Mrs. Noxx! I feel like a god damned fool.”
    “ This isn't about you Shamus and it never was!” Her voice was pitching in anger and it only fueled my own rage. “I did take care of your dad because he needed me Shamus! Cory didn’t. You clearly didn’t but he did.” He watched with uncontrollable sorrow as the tears as they rolled from her eyes. This was all too much. I knew all along they were close, I knew coming home that she would be distraught over his death. Cassa had become a large piece of my dads life but he never thought she was robbing his father from him. Not until her secrets started spilling out. Dad didn't want to burden me with her drama, I get that I do, but all they guys knew she was being hit. Knew she was divorced. Knew she would be here with him in the end. I'm the one looking dumb for wanting him to go peacefully and not alone. He had never been alone.
    Awesome.
    Once I left home, me and my dad were able to find a little piece, let some of our anger go. It was back now though!
    “ I never judged your dad Shame. I knew he was going to drink no matter how much I fought him on it. He knew what Corey was doing to me and he never made me tell him about it. By not judging one another we healed one another. Jerry knew all the secrets of my marriage with Cory. He had stayed by my side when I chose to leave him. It was one of the seldom times he was anywhere near sober. He never said a word and let me make my mistakes. When I left Cory the first time he finally told me how he felt. By the final time I left, and did so for good...” He choked on a sob and turned her back from me. “He told me he was proud of me.”
    Jesus Christ t his kept getting worse. I was so fucking confused I couldn't even ask her what the fuck she was talking about. So far if I was gathering the information correctly, then my dad, as well as my friends, knew she was being abused. Also, I think she admitted to it being more than once?
    I needed liquor, a joint and a fucking shrink to figure this shit out.
    *

    Cassa

    Shamus stood silent for what seemed like forever as I tried to gather my composure. Once I had my barrings I knew I needed to talk to him and try to explain everything without giving all of my secrets away.
    "Sass I know he was your friend, and I thank you for all you did for him. I didn ’t know things got bad there for you." He stepped up to grasp my chin so I would look at him. "Please don’t cry Sassy. I still can’t bear it."
    "I miss him Shame." My voice was nothing more than a broken whisper. I wanted him so bad right then. He was hurting because I was hurting and that combined with the passion we had shared for so long, I knew he could make me forget it all, even my own name if I let him. But I knew two years ago, without a question or a doubt, that Shamus loved me. He walked away and I didn't know anything now. I wiped my tears and stepped back knowing that this moment was far to intimate than I could handle. "Sorry I never called." I was sincere in that apology. Seeing him now, knowing he was hiding the pain, I was very sorry I never called and explained the nature, the true nature of Jerry's illness.
    "Well if I was a model son, I would have known." He stepped back from me and I gathered he was following my cue. Shamus and I would never be again.
    He