do you expect me to go? Our finances can’t withstand another residence.”
“I don’t care. Stay in the city, come out for dinner, visit on weekends, whatever. But I can’t fight about it anymore. There’s just no explanation for what you did and I can’t get past the betrayal. You just have to give me some space and time.”
“If that’s what you want,” he said. “But I still love you.”
“Well, I don’t love you right now. I want to, but I can’t love a man who can do what you did without even knowing why. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel safe again.”
“Fine,” he said. “This weekend we’ll tell the kids.”
“I don’t agree with that,” she told him.
“We tell them what they’re old enough to understand. That’s what we do in this family. In fact, you wrote that rule. You’re the social worker.”
“I don’t think they’re old enough to understand,” she said.
“Yes, they are. They’re not old enough to sympathize and it’s not in their experience, but they’ll know what we’re talking about. They’ll know that what I did was wrong, that you being out of your mind angry is reasonable.”
She shook her head and a large tear escaped. “Why did you do this to us, Phil?” she asked in a desperate whisper.
“I can’t explain. I’ve had nightmares about this for over five years. If we’re not stronger than one indiscretion, then I completely misjudged us. I thought, given all we’ve had to handle, both personally and professionally, if it came to this, we’d find a way. We’ve seen families through murder that didn’t give up this fast.”
“One two-year indiscretion!”
“Do you have any idea how many times, during those two years, I put my arms around you and held you? How many times you told me not to get any ideas? God, Gerri, I remember when the kids were little and we were both exhausted from work, the house was collapsing, everyone was screaming they needed something, and we still snuck away from them, locked ourselves in the bathroom and—” He shook his head. “I don’t know when that stopped happening for us, but it stopped.”
“Why didn’t you say anything? Before it was too late?”
“I thought I had.” He looked down for a long moment, then looked up again. “Never mind. It wasn’t because of you. It was me. I should have found a way. But then, I didn’t know it was going to be too late...”
There was a very small part of her, remembering those days so long ago, that wanted to say, It was me, too, let’s see if we can get it back. But she said, “I’ll tell Jessie if you’ll tell the boys.”
He gave a nod. “Sunday,” he said. “Then I’ll go to the city.”
“You’re going to drop it on them and leave them with me?”
“No, of course not. We’ll tell them, separately. I’ll stay through the evening and when the house quiets down, I’ll head out. I’ll handle as much of this as I can, but it’s your decision for us to live apart and we don’t do that to our kids without them knowing the reasons.”
* * *
At five o’clock on Sunday, Phil knocked on Jed’s bedroom door and said, “Hey, bud, I have to talk to you about something. Can you come with me?”
“Where?” he asked, getting up from his reclining position on the bed.
“We have to go somewhere away from the house so I can talk to you in private. Just come on, you’ll have the details soon enough.”
They walked a couple of short blocks to the neighborhood park. Phil sat on the top of a picnic table, his feet on the bench, elbows on his knees, head down. Jed stood in front of him. “Come on, man,” Jed said impatiently. “What the hell’s going on?”
“Your mom and I are having some problems,” Phil said. He felt his eyes begin to water, his throat threaten to close. “Serious problems. Oh, Jesus, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
“Come on, Dad! You getting divorced or something?”
“I hope not,” Phil said, and watched
“I don’t care. Stay in the city, come out for dinner, visit on weekends, whatever. But I can’t fight about it anymore. There’s just no explanation for what you did and I can’t get past the betrayal. You just have to give me some space and time.”
“If that’s what you want,” he said. “But I still love you.”
“Well, I don’t love you right now. I want to, but I can’t love a man who can do what you did without even knowing why. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel safe again.”
“Fine,” he said. “This weekend we’ll tell the kids.”
“I don’t agree with that,” she told him.
“We tell them what they’re old enough to understand. That’s what we do in this family. In fact, you wrote that rule. You’re the social worker.”
“I don’t think they’re old enough to understand,” she said.
“Yes, they are. They’re not old enough to sympathize and it’s not in their experience, but they’ll know what we’re talking about. They’ll know that what I did was wrong, that you being out of your mind angry is reasonable.”
She shook her head and a large tear escaped. “Why did you do this to us, Phil?” she asked in a desperate whisper.
“I can’t explain. I’ve had nightmares about this for over five years. If we’re not stronger than one indiscretion, then I completely misjudged us. I thought, given all we’ve had to handle, both personally and professionally, if it came to this, we’d find a way. We’ve seen families through murder that didn’t give up this fast.”
“One two-year indiscretion!”
“Do you have any idea how many times, during those two years, I put my arms around you and held you? How many times you told me not to get any ideas? God, Gerri, I remember when the kids were little and we were both exhausted from work, the house was collapsing, everyone was screaming they needed something, and we still snuck away from them, locked ourselves in the bathroom and—” He shook his head. “I don’t know when that stopped happening for us, but it stopped.”
“Why didn’t you say anything? Before it was too late?”
“I thought I had.” He looked down for a long moment, then looked up again. “Never mind. It wasn’t because of you. It was me. I should have found a way. But then, I didn’t know it was going to be too late...”
There was a very small part of her, remembering those days so long ago, that wanted to say, It was me, too, let’s see if we can get it back. But she said, “I’ll tell Jessie if you’ll tell the boys.”
He gave a nod. “Sunday,” he said. “Then I’ll go to the city.”
“You’re going to drop it on them and leave them with me?”
“No, of course not. We’ll tell them, separately. I’ll stay through the evening and when the house quiets down, I’ll head out. I’ll handle as much of this as I can, but it’s your decision for us to live apart and we don’t do that to our kids without them knowing the reasons.”
* * *
At five o’clock on Sunday, Phil knocked on Jed’s bedroom door and said, “Hey, bud, I have to talk to you about something. Can you come with me?”
“Where?” he asked, getting up from his reclining position on the bed.
“We have to go somewhere away from the house so I can talk to you in private. Just come on, you’ll have the details soon enough.”
They walked a couple of short blocks to the neighborhood park. Phil sat on the top of a picnic table, his feet on the bench, elbows on his knees, head down. Jed stood in front of him. “Come on, man,” Jed said impatiently. “What the hell’s going on?”
“Your mom and I are having some problems,” Phil said. He felt his eyes begin to water, his throat threaten to close. “Serious problems. Oh, Jesus, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
“Come on, Dad! You getting divorced or something?”
“I hope not,” Phil said, and watched
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