whenhelookeddownandsawthem,immediatelygettinguptogo retrievesomethingfromthebathroomandreturningwithawarm washcloth.Withoutanotherword,hestartedtocleanthemup.
“Itwasawful,Cooper,”Iwhispered.“He's really gone,andhis family―thepain―Icouldn'ttakeit.”Iwatchedwhilehedelicately wipedthedriedbloodfrommyhand,turningthewashclothoverandover inanattempttofindacleanarea.“Helovedme,Coop,”Iadmitted,my voiceladenwithguilt.
“Ofcoursehedid,”hesaid,finallymeetingmygaze.“It's impossiblenotto.”Hesmiledweaklyashebrushedaclusterofdrying curlsoffmyface,tuckingthemgentlybehindmyear.Ileanedinand kissedhimonthecheekwiththesametendernessthathe'djustshown me.
“That'snotexactlywhatImeant,”Isaid,suddenlyfeelingawkward.
“Imeanthe loved me,andnotjustafterhisChange,butbefore.Long before,apparently.”
Cooperstoppedcleaningmyhandsandlookedatmeintently.
“Howlongbefore?”
“Months,”Isaid,beforehesitating;Iwasn'tsureIwantedtoopen myemotionalcanofworms.“Hismothersaidhewantedtomarryme.He toldherIwasthegirlforhim,andIkilledhim,Cooper.Ican'ttakethis!
Theguiltisunbearable...”Ilaunchedoffofthecouchandpaced franticallythroughthelivingroom.Somethinghadtogive,anditneeded todoitsoon.ThescreamI'dletoutinfrontofSeanwasonlya momentaryreleaseofpressure.IfIdidn'tfindanoutletfortherestofit, thelidwasgoingtoofficiallyblow.
“Ruby,justcalmdownforasecond,”Coopersaid,followingmeon mywanderingpaththroughtheapartment.“You have toknowthatyou didn'thaveachoice.Hewasn'ttheirsonanymore―”
“Butthat'smyfaulttoo,Cooper!Don'tyousee?Everyonearound me—closetome—paysapriceforthat!You,Peyta,Matty...even Sean .
TheBeauchampswouldhave,ifwehadn'tcaughttheRevwhenwedid.
Christ,Cooper,their baby wouldhavebeenkilled.Whatkindoffucking personendangerseveryonearoundthem?Everyonetheylove?”Hehad noanswerforme,thoughthepaininhisexpressionindicatedthathe wishedhedid.“Yousee?Even you can'tdenyit.”
“Ruby―”
“No,Cooper!Noplacatingstatementsfromyou,please.You know thatI'mright.I'vestruggledwiththisformonthsnow,andeverytimeI thinkthematterisresolved,anewcasualtyhitsandI'mrightbackwhere Istartedagain.”
“Andwhereisthat?”heasked,lookingsaddened.
“I'mcursed,plainandsimple.SeansaidthatRBswerean aberration,butmaybeit'snotthat.Maybe abomination isabetterword, becausepreciouslittleseemstobepositivelyinfluencedbymypresence, Cooper.MaybeI'msomeforceofdarkness,meanttoplaguetheworld withtragedyandsadness.MaybethePCwasrighttoputusalldown.”
“Listen,you'retired,you'reemotionallyexhausted.Youneedtoeat somethingandrest.You'renotthinkingclearlyrightnow,”heargued, makinghiswayovertome.
“Agoodnight'ssleepisn'tgoingtomakethisgoaway,Coop.I'ma fuckingcalamity,”Isaid,dodginghimashereachedformyarm.“Maybe youshouldgo...moveout,beforesomethingelsehappenstoyou.”
“I'mabigboy,Ruby,andIdon'tknowhowmanytimeswe'regoing tohavethisverydiscussionbeforeitsinksintothatthickheadofyours,”
hesaid,lungingformyarmagain,successfullythattime.“I'm.Not.
Leaving.Whateverchaosmaycome,youandIwillfaceittogether.Fate hasbondedus,Rubes.Forbetterorworse,we'reateam.”
Myeyessnappedtohisfaceassoonasthewordslefthismouth.I’d beenbitch-slappedbyarealization.
“A pack ,”Iwhisperedsoftly,mymindscanningbacktoa conversationI'dhadwithSeanonthenightofourfirstofficialdate.We wererehashinganargumentthatCooperandIhadjusthadbeforeIwent toseehim.Icouldn'tfigureoutsomethingthatCooperhadsaidtome; somethingregardinghisfeelingsformeandhowthey'dchanged.Howhe couldn'texplainthem.
I'mconnectedtoyouinawaythat'sbeyondmycomprehension...
Itallstartedtomakesense:Cooper'sshiftinpower,hisneedto keepmesafe,ourbond;hehadbecomean alpha .Somethinginhimhad emergedthenighthe’dkilledGregoryintheforest.Gregoryhimselfhad admittedthathe'dunderestimatedCooper'sstrengthandpower , and takingGregoryoutonlyfurtheredthosequalities.Itexplainedhow deeplyhelovedmeandIlovedhim,butevenmoreso,itmadesenseof whywecouldneverquitegetpastbeingfriends.Weweren'tmeanttobe mates; wewere pack,
“Itwasawful,Cooper,”Iwhispered.“He's really gone,andhis family―thepain―Icouldn'ttakeit.”Iwatchedwhilehedelicately wipedthedriedbloodfrommyhand,turningthewashclothoverandover inanattempttofindacleanarea.“Helovedme,Coop,”Iadmitted,my voiceladenwithguilt.
“Ofcoursehedid,”hesaid,finallymeetingmygaze.“It's impossiblenotto.”Hesmiledweaklyashebrushedaclusterofdrying curlsoffmyface,tuckingthemgentlybehindmyear.Ileanedinand kissedhimonthecheekwiththesametendernessthathe'djustshown me.
“That'snotexactlywhatImeant,”Isaid,suddenlyfeelingawkward.
“Imeanthe loved me,andnotjustafterhisChange,butbefore.Long before,apparently.”
Cooperstoppedcleaningmyhandsandlookedatmeintently.
“Howlongbefore?”
“Months,”Isaid,beforehesitating;Iwasn'tsureIwantedtoopen myemotionalcanofworms.“Hismothersaidhewantedtomarryme.He toldherIwasthegirlforhim,andIkilledhim,Cooper.Ican'ttakethis!
Theguiltisunbearable...”Ilaunchedoffofthecouchandpaced franticallythroughthelivingroom.Somethinghadtogive,anditneeded todoitsoon.ThescreamI'dletoutinfrontofSeanwasonlya momentaryreleaseofpressure.IfIdidn'tfindanoutletfortherestofit, thelidwasgoingtoofficiallyblow.
“Ruby,justcalmdownforasecond,”Coopersaid,followingmeon mywanderingpaththroughtheapartment.“You have toknowthatyou didn'thaveachoice.Hewasn'ttheirsonanymore―”
“Butthat'smyfaulttoo,Cooper!Don'tyousee?Everyonearound me—closetome—paysapriceforthat!You,Peyta,Matty...even Sean .
TheBeauchampswouldhave,ifwehadn'tcaughttheRevwhenwedid.
Christ,Cooper,their baby wouldhavebeenkilled.Whatkindoffucking personendangerseveryonearoundthem?Everyonetheylove?”Hehad noanswerforme,thoughthepaininhisexpressionindicatedthathe wishedhedid.“Yousee?Even you can'tdenyit.”
“Ruby―”
“No,Cooper!Noplacatingstatementsfromyou,please.You know thatI'mright.I'vestruggledwiththisformonthsnow,andeverytimeI thinkthematterisresolved,anewcasualtyhitsandI'mrightbackwhere Istartedagain.”
“Andwhereisthat?”heasked,lookingsaddened.
“I'mcursed,plainandsimple.SeansaidthatRBswerean aberration,butmaybeit'snotthat.Maybe abomination isabetterword, becausepreciouslittleseemstobepositivelyinfluencedbymypresence, Cooper.MaybeI'msomeforceofdarkness,meanttoplaguetheworld withtragedyandsadness.MaybethePCwasrighttoputusalldown.”
“Listen,you'retired,you'reemotionallyexhausted.Youneedtoeat somethingandrest.You'renotthinkingclearlyrightnow,”heargued, makinghiswayovertome.
“Agoodnight'ssleepisn'tgoingtomakethisgoaway,Coop.I'ma fuckingcalamity,”Isaid,dodginghimashereachedformyarm.“Maybe youshouldgo...moveout,beforesomethingelsehappenstoyou.”
“I'mabigboy,Ruby,andIdon'tknowhowmanytimeswe'regoing tohavethisverydiscussionbeforeitsinksintothatthickheadofyours,”
hesaid,lungingformyarmagain,successfullythattime.“I'm.Not.
Leaving.Whateverchaosmaycome,youandIwillfaceittogether.Fate hasbondedus,Rubes.Forbetterorworse,we'reateam.”
Myeyessnappedtohisfaceassoonasthewordslefthismouth.I’d beenbitch-slappedbyarealization.
“A pack ,”Iwhisperedsoftly,mymindscanningbacktoa conversationI'dhadwithSeanonthenightofourfirstofficialdate.We wererehashinganargumentthatCooperandIhadjusthadbeforeIwent toseehim.Icouldn'tfigureoutsomethingthatCooperhadsaidtome; somethingregardinghisfeelingsformeandhowthey'dchanged.Howhe couldn'texplainthem.
I'mconnectedtoyouinawaythat'sbeyondmycomprehension...
Itallstartedtomakesense:Cooper'sshiftinpower,hisneedto keepmesafe,ourbond;hehadbecomean alpha .Somethinginhimhad emergedthenighthe’dkilledGregoryintheforest.Gregoryhimselfhad admittedthathe'dunderestimatedCooper'sstrengthandpower , and takingGregoryoutonlyfurtheredthosequalities.Itexplainedhow deeplyhelovedmeandIlovedhim,butevenmoreso,itmadesenseof whywecouldneverquitegetpastbeingfriends.Weweren'tmeanttobe mates; wewere pack,