Funny Boy Versus the Bubble-Brained Barbers from the Big Bang by Dan Gutman Page A

continued. “This centipede walks into a shoe store—”
    “Enough!” bellowed Barry Barber. “Seize them!”
    Bo and Burly grabbed Bob Foster, Punch, and me. They strapped us into the three barber chairs.
    “You’ll never get away with this!” Bob Foster shouted. “ NATO forces will track you down and bring you to justice!”
    “Me not think so,” Bo Barber said, smiling his evil smile.
    “After we clog all your drains with hair,” Barry Barber explained, “we will dump tons of shampoo into your oceans. Your waters will be filled with foamy white lather, making it impossible for ships to find us. Then we will surround Earth with a cloud of talcum powder, making it impossible for airplanes to find us. Escape will be simple. Hahahaha!”
    “You’re madmen!” Punch yelled.
    “Thank you!” Burly Barber grunted.
    I tried to free my hands from the straps that were holding me in the barber chair, but it was impossible.
    “Do something!” I yelled to Punch.
    “Like what?”
    “Growl! Bare your teeth or something!”
    “Baring teeth is so ... animalistic!”
    “You’re an animal!” I screamed. Ever since Punch discovered she could talk, she refused to lower herself to things she considered “doglike.”
    “Why don’t you do something?” Punch said. “Tell a joke. You’re Funny Boy!”
    I tried to think of a joke, any joke. Nothing came to mind.
    “I ... I can’t think of one!” I replied.
    “What do you mean?” Punch yelled. “You know hundreds of jokes. Night and day you’re always telling your stupid jokes. And now, now when we really need it, you can’t think of a single joke?”
    “My mind is a blank!” I moaned.
    Bob Foster tried to bail us out. “Be sensible,” he implored the barbers. “On Earth, you guys are superstars. You’ve got the number one show on TV. You could be bigger than the Beatles. Why destroy Earth and go back to your planet, where you guys have no jobs, no lives?”

    “Silence!” Barry Barber boomed. “We must warm up the hair-removal generator.”
    “Wait!” I shouted desperately. “Aren’t you going to give us a last request? Even a condemned man gets one last request.”
    “What is your last request?” Barry said grudgingly.
    “I want to make a phone call.”
    “All right,” Barry said, handing me a cell phone. “But don’t try any funny stuff.”
    Fumbling with the buttons, I punched in the number for Dial-a-Joke. In seconds, I had what I needed.
    “Why do seagulls fly over the sea?” I shouted at the barbers.
    “Me not know.”
    “If they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.”
    Barry Barber ripped the phone from my hand. “I said no funny stuff! You’re beginning to get on my nerves.”
    “Me say shoot him,” Burly Barber suggested.
    “No,” Barry Barber replied. “I have a better idea.”
    He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a battery-operated hair clipper, the kind barbers use to trim sideburns. He turned it on, and it made a loud buzzing noise.
    “I’m going to remove Funny Boy’s hair personally !”
    “No,” I shrieked. “Stop! Stop!”
    It was no use. He was too strong. He took the clipper and ran it right down the middle of my scalp. Hair went flying everywhere. Down my back. In my eyes. It was horrible.
    When he was done, I ran my fingers across the top of my head. There was nothing there but skin. He had cut a straight strip right across the middle, like a farmer who plowed a row of a field. I had a negative Mohawk.
    “You’re not barbers!” I screamed. “You’re ... barbarians!”

    “Yes, we are,” agreed Barry. “And now it is time for you to die!”
    So how are you enjoying the story so far? Exciting, isn’t it? Do you think Funny Boy can escape from these bubble-brained barbers? Or is it all over for him? What about Punch? Will her hair grow back? Will Bob Foster lose his job at the underwear factory? Does Principal Werner really kill children and eat them?
    You know that you’re almost at