Funny Boy Versus the Bubble-Brained Barbers from the Big Bang by Dan Gutman

protect Earth, wasn’t it? If I didn’t act, nobody else would.
    “One nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.”
    I bolted out of the classroom.
    “Hey, I didn’t say you could leave the room!” Mrs. Wonderland hollered at me. “Where do you think you’re going?”
    “To save the world!”

CHAPTER 12

    AND NOW, FUNNY BOY, IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO DIE!
    The president had put planes, helicopters, and limousines at my disposal so I could get to the barbers at a moment’s notice. Fortunately, I wouldn’t have to go far. I called the White House and the President told me that the barbers were now in Toronto, Canada.
    “They’ve already removed most of the world’s hair,” the President said mournfully. “North and South America are all that is left.”
    “They’re going to pay for this!” I said. “Get it? To pay? Toupee?”
    “You’ll need to be a lot funnier than that, Funny Boy,” the President replied. “You’re our last hope.”
    The seriousness of my mission had hit home with me. I was starting to feel funny again. Jokes were welling up inside my brain, ready to burst out and reduce even the most serious villain into a convulsion of giggles.
    I called Bob Foster at work and he rushed home. We put Punch in her little cage and took a government jet to Toronto. From there, it was minutes by limousine to the Rogers Centre, where the Toronto Blue Jays baseball team plays. It was also where Bo, Barry, and Burly Barber had set up their North American headquarters.
    Bob Foster, Punch, and I marched inside the Rogers Centre. It was an enormous stadium. But it wasn’t the field that caught our attention. It was the huge barber pole at second base that reached almost to the roof. I had been to the National Air and Space Museum in Washington, D.C., but I had never seen a rocket so big.
    This was the spaceship I had seen through the telescope. It was probably filled with hair and ready for launch, Bob Foster whispered to me. Stolen hair. Once they shipped the hair back to Depilatory, they would be heroes to their people.

    I spotted Bo, Barry, and Burly at the bottom of the rocket, tinkering with switches and dials.
    “Halt, hair thieves!” I shouted.
    “Well, if it isn’t Funny Boy and Tan Man!” Barry Barber said, almost gleefully. “We meet again. Your little dog looks kind of cute without its fur coat.”
    “Your hair-robbing days are over!” Punch shouted.
    “Me torture them, okay, boss?” Bo Barber asked.
    “Not yet,” Barry Barber said. “First, let them watch as we remove the hair of every Canadian citizen. And when we’re done, the United States will have its turn. Then we will flush enough hair down the drains of North America to blow this planet to smithereens!”
    “Hahahaha!” the three barbers guffawed.
    “I’ll give you one last chance,” I said, trying to remain calm. “Surrender now and leave Earth alone. Go quietly and you won’t be punished so severely for your crimes.”
    “Why should we?” Barry Barber asked, defiantly.
    “If you don’t, I will tell a joke that is so funny that you will fall to the ground, helpless with laughter. You will be totally unable to perform your evil deeds. You’ll be lucky you don’t cough up your appendix or some other internal organ.”
    “Ha!” snorted Burly Barber. “Me hear that last time. Me dare you. Make Burly laugh.”
    “Who’s dumb and flies a plane?” I asked.
    “Me not know.”
    “Amelia Airhead.”
    The three barbers looked at each other.
    “That’s it? ” Barry Barber asked. “ That’s the joke that was going to make us fall over dead?”
    “That was just his warm-up joke,” Punch explained. “Now he’s going to tell you the real joke. Right, Funny Boy?”
    “Uh, right.”
    I felt sweat beading up on my forehead. The Amelia Airhead joke was the best one I had. I would have to come up with a good one right here or it would be good-bye Earth.
    “Here comes the real joke,” I