anymore,” I said.
As soon as I said it, I knew it was the answer. It was the only way. I think a part of me always knew it would come to this. My heart felt like glass being shattered into millions of pieces, and I knew that it would never be the same, that no matter how hard I’d try to put those pieces back together there would always be lost slivers.
“Look me in the eyes and tell me that,” Mike demanded. He grabbed me by the shoulders again and I looked into his eyes and watched as a deluge poured out of them and soaked his cheeks.
I swallowed hard. The only way this was going to work, that Mike was going to leave, was if he believed what I was telling him. And the only way to make him believe what I was telling him was to tell him a lie so good that I believed it myself. It would be the biggest lie that I ever told, but I would do it if it meant saving him. It was also a lie I had been practicing, knowing deep down that this day was near.
I took a deep breath and steadied myself, looking Mike right in his eyes. “Mike, I’m sorry. I just don’t love you anymore. I haven’t for quite awhile. I’ve been pretending because I didn’t want to hurt you. But the truth is it was over for me a long time ago.”
Mike shook his head. “You’re lying. Come on, Gina. You’ve got to do better than that.”
“It’s true,” I said. “I feel like I’ve been an actress in a play. I’ve been playing this part because I didn’t want to hurt you. The truth is I can’t play the part anymore. I wish I would have had the courage to tell you before this. I’ve felt like this for months and just didn’t want to hurt you, so I kept it to myself, hoping that I would change my mind or somehow those old feelings would resurface. But they haven’t. I care about you, but not enough to keep what we had going. I want more. I want someone different. I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I wish I could change everything and that you would be happy. But I can’t. No more pretending.”
Mike shook his head like he couldn’t believe his ears. Tears exploded from his dark eyes and his face turned tomato red. He grabbed his hair and pulled it and kicked the hassock and walked out the door.
And he never looked back.
The door slammed behind him and I ran to my room and threw myself on my bed, soaking my Snow White quilt with my tears.
I felt horrible and worthless and mean. All of the negative verbs in the dictionary would not be enough to describe how I felt. But I knew that the only way to get Mike to go was to lie about how I really felt. And I knew that I played the part well. That he believed every word I said, and he hated me for it.
But I hated myself more.
Chapter 7
20 Years Later
Mike
The line to get into the funeral home wrapped around the brick three-story building on Main Street. I wondered if I would see anyone that I went to high school with. I knew Jeremy was coming, but I wasn’t sure about any of the others. I felt a hand on my back and I turned around. It was Cookie. Despite living in nearby towns, I hadn’t seen her since graduation.
“Michael Parker. How the hell have you been?”
She hugged me before I could even get my arms up.
“I’ve been good; great actually. Read about you in the paper.”
Cookie smiled so wide her eyes winked. “Well, you know me.”
I laughed. Cookie hadn’t changed. She was a giant of a girl and still looked like she could whip my ass and knock me out cold in seconds. She was one tough lady. She’s the only girl I know who could palm a basketball. “You always did stand up for what you believed in,” I told her.
The newspaper article was about her school district banning books because they had bad words and contained too much violence. I think the official wording was “sexually explicit content, offensive language, and violence.” Cookie led the opposition. I always thought she should have
As soon as I said it, I knew it was the answer. It was the only way. I think a part of me always knew it would come to this. My heart felt like glass being shattered into millions of pieces, and I knew that it would never be the same, that no matter how hard I’d try to put those pieces back together there would always be lost slivers.
“Look me in the eyes and tell me that,” Mike demanded. He grabbed me by the shoulders again and I looked into his eyes and watched as a deluge poured out of them and soaked his cheeks.
I swallowed hard. The only way this was going to work, that Mike was going to leave, was if he believed what I was telling him. And the only way to make him believe what I was telling him was to tell him a lie so good that I believed it myself. It would be the biggest lie that I ever told, but I would do it if it meant saving him. It was also a lie I had been practicing, knowing deep down that this day was near.
I took a deep breath and steadied myself, looking Mike right in his eyes. “Mike, I’m sorry. I just don’t love you anymore. I haven’t for quite awhile. I’ve been pretending because I didn’t want to hurt you. But the truth is it was over for me a long time ago.”
Mike shook his head. “You’re lying. Come on, Gina. You’ve got to do better than that.”
“It’s true,” I said. “I feel like I’ve been an actress in a play. I’ve been playing this part because I didn’t want to hurt you. The truth is I can’t play the part anymore. I wish I would have had the courage to tell you before this. I’ve felt like this for months and just didn’t want to hurt you, so I kept it to myself, hoping that I would change my mind or somehow those old feelings would resurface. But they haven’t. I care about you, but not enough to keep what we had going. I want more. I want someone different. I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I wish I could change everything and that you would be happy. But I can’t. No more pretending.”
Mike shook his head like he couldn’t believe his ears. Tears exploded from his dark eyes and his face turned tomato red. He grabbed his hair and pulled it and kicked the hassock and walked out the door.
And he never looked back.
The door slammed behind him and I ran to my room and threw myself on my bed, soaking my Snow White quilt with my tears.
I felt horrible and worthless and mean. All of the negative verbs in the dictionary would not be enough to describe how I felt. But I knew that the only way to get Mike to go was to lie about how I really felt. And I knew that I played the part well. That he believed every word I said, and he hated me for it.
But I hated myself more.
Chapter 7
20 Years Later
Mike
The line to get into the funeral home wrapped around the brick three-story building on Main Street. I wondered if I would see anyone that I went to high school with. I knew Jeremy was coming, but I wasn’t sure about any of the others. I felt a hand on my back and I turned around. It was Cookie. Despite living in nearby towns, I hadn’t seen her since graduation.
“Michael Parker. How the hell have you been?”
She hugged me before I could even get my arms up.
“I’ve been good; great actually. Read about you in the paper.”
Cookie smiled so wide her eyes winked. “Well, you know me.”
I laughed. Cookie hadn’t changed. She was a giant of a girl and still looked like she could whip my ass and knock me out cold in seconds. She was one tough lady. She’s the only girl I know who could palm a basketball. “You always did stand up for what you believed in,” I told her.
The newspaper article was about her school district banning books because they had bad words and contained too much violence. I think the official wording was “sexually explicit content, offensive language, and violence.” Cookie led the opposition. I always thought she should have
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