God Hates You, Hate Him Back: Making Sense of The Bible

God Hates You, Hate Him Back: Making Sense of The Bible by C.J. Werleman Page A

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Authors: C.J. Werleman
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fetuses were punching the shit out of one another inside her womb, in what is positively the first in utero boxing showdown in history. Too bad Sodom and Gomorrah had already been destroyed, because the bookmakers from that city could’ve thrown down some handy odds. Rebekah became increasingly worrisome that the child battle inside her continued with unrelenting punches, kicks and some UFC ‘ground n pound’. She cried out to God for an explanation to this pre-natal sibling bickering and God answered:
     
    “ Two nations are in your womb and two peoples from within you will be separated; one people will be stronger than the other and the other will serve the younger.” (Genesis 25:23 NIV)
     
    The due date for delivering the rival twins came and the first to emerge was a hairy, red-headed boy, a ‘ranga’ as we would say in Australia. They named him Esau. The second child to pop was anointed Jacob and he emerged from Rebekah’s womb clutching onto the heel of his five-minute older brother.
     
    The boys became men, of which Esau became a skilled hunter and Jacob a lay-about, preferring to just spend his days hanging around the family tents, whilst his elder brother chased wild game throughout the land. The story takes a devious turn at this point, however, as the scripture tells of Esau returning from a hunt. He is exhausted and near starving and returns home to find his brother cooking a stew. Esau pleads with his brother, Jacob, for some food as he is famished, but his brother initially refuses him. Esau pleads with his brother again. To which, Jacob plots a heinous bribe. Jacob tells Esau that he may have some stew on one condition:
     
    “ First sell me your birthright.” (Genesis 25:31 NIV)
     
    To give up one’s birthright to a sibling is the equivalent of forfeiting all inheritance and family power, but Esau agrees to Jacob’s wicked proposal, replying:
     
    “ What good is my birthright if I am about to die of starvation?” (Genesis 25:32 NIV)
     
    Years later, Isaac is now on his deathbed and in his final days he is anxious to bless his eldest son, whom he still believes is Esau, with the family trust. On his deathbed he summons Esau to his side and asks that he go out and catch some tasty meat for what would most likely be his father’s last supper, a meal whereby he will announce his blessing to Esau. Esau agrees and sets forth into the wilderness with his spear.
     
    Rebekah overhears the conversation between her husband and her eldest son and she runs to Jacob to tell him what had just transpired. You see, Jacob was Rebekah’s favorite son and she wanted to ensure the inheritance did not pass to Esau. Rebekah convinced Jacob to promptly slaughter two goats in the backyard and then to dress like Esau. Jacob protested to his mother that Isaac would recognize him as him and not as his brother and accordingly this plan would be doomed before it began. Rebekah convinces Jacob that her husband’s eyesight is all but gone and if he covered himself in a fur rug Isaac would mistake the fur for the much physically hairier Esau.
     
    Jacob did what his mother asked and walked into his father’s bedroom. Isaac called out, “Who is there?” Jacob replied, “It is me father, Esau!” Isaac called to who he thought was Esau and demanded that he come closer so he could feel his skin, to be sure of his identity. Jacob leant in and Isaac felt the fur rug covering Jacob’s smooth skin. Isaac had been duped! Isaac swallowed the devilish bait and unknowingly blessed the wrong son, Jacob:
     
    “ May God give you of heaven’s dew and of earth’s richness – an abundance of grain and new wine. May nations serve you and peoples bow down to you. Be lord over your brothers and may the sons of your mother bow down to you. May those who curse you be cursed and those who bless you be blessed.” (Genesis 27:28-29 NIV)
     
    Esau returned home from his hunting trip to discover the shocking treachery that had taken

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