can see me. I begin to dance with the girls, feeling every word of the song and the beat. I close my eyes for a moment. I turn around towards Nix to find him looking at me. I don't break eye contact as I dance to the song. It's not long before the song comes to an end and transition to another song. I walk off the dance floor and out of the club. I feel the need to escape from the emotions he is evoking in me, the feelings of being unwanted all over again, that I am not good enough to have something that I want.
“B ro, step on it. Don’t be a pussy,” I yell. I am fucking wasted. I feel like I am flying super high. We are going home after a party that was being held at this abandoned warehouse outside of town. It was a secret party since there was going to be a lot of underage drinking and drugs involved.
“Nix what if we get pulled over? I can’t get a fucking ticket, my parents will kill me,” Sky says, paranoid.
“Dude, my fucking father is the town judge. He will make sure nothing happens. Come on, there is a reason this car can go 180 mph. Step on the gas.”
“Fuck, this feels awesome, bro. We are flying,” Sky says, laughing.
I stick my head out the window, feeling the night’s air on my face.
“Fuck yeah, we are fucking seniors. Can’t wait to leave this place and start getting college pussy,” I scream into the night.
Then I feel the flames of hell consume me.
I wake up with startled. I am drenched in cold sweat, like I always am after one of these dreams. It has been almost three years since the accident and months since I last dreamed about it. The guilt has been eating at me since then. What a stupid kid I was, thinking that I was fucking invincible, fucking unbreakable.
The first few months after the accident I would take medication to help me sleep and keep the nightmares away, but I stopped taking them, because why did I have the right to try to forget the damage I had caused? My mother didn’t approve; she wanted me to get better and talk to someone. For what? To find excuses, to find a way to move past it, to forget? No, that was never going to happen. It was my fault we hit the embankment. Yeah, technically I was not driving, but I was the one telling Sky to accelerate, knowing full well we were both drunk. I had been too drunk and high on cocaine to help Sky out of the car, my coordination was off, and I couldn’t find the seatbelt’s release button to help him out before the car went up in flames. He was burned alive. Through my drug addled mind I had heard his screams before I blacked out.
I turn to the clock and see that it is 4:30am. Shit, I am not going to be able to go back to sleep, they don’t open the campus swimming pool until five; I need a couple of laps to clear my head. I know why the nightmares have returned, because of Olivia. I feel guilty at being able to feel something for someone and Sky can’t. It is my reminder as to why I can’t be happy. Why I choose to push everyone away. I was such a jerk to her, but it irritates me that she is just into partying and having a good time. Yes, I know I am being a hypocrite, because that is what I had been planning on doing when I arrived at college when I was a foolish kid. I know I’m going to have to apologize to her when I see her again.
I collect my stuff and head to the campus gym that’s open twenty four hours so the athletes can work out. Maybe I could get in some cardio before the laps. I decide to do some weights and some boxing. I start my iPod and “Eye of the Tiger” comes on, there nothing like hearing Rocky’s anthem to get you into some upper body conditioning. I finish my cardio then head to the pool, I need some cooling down. I see that someone is here already, her body sliding the underwater. I jump in and start swimming.
I start thinking about before, about all the foolish things Sky and I got into. The pranks we pulled in high school. The parties that we went to and the pussy we shared. When I
“B ro, step on it. Don’t be a pussy,” I yell. I am fucking wasted. I feel like I am flying super high. We are going home after a party that was being held at this abandoned warehouse outside of town. It was a secret party since there was going to be a lot of underage drinking and drugs involved.
“Nix what if we get pulled over? I can’t get a fucking ticket, my parents will kill me,” Sky says, paranoid.
“Dude, my fucking father is the town judge. He will make sure nothing happens. Come on, there is a reason this car can go 180 mph. Step on the gas.”
“Fuck, this feels awesome, bro. We are flying,” Sky says, laughing.
I stick my head out the window, feeling the night’s air on my face.
“Fuck yeah, we are fucking seniors. Can’t wait to leave this place and start getting college pussy,” I scream into the night.
Then I feel the flames of hell consume me.
I wake up with startled. I am drenched in cold sweat, like I always am after one of these dreams. It has been almost three years since the accident and months since I last dreamed about it. The guilt has been eating at me since then. What a stupid kid I was, thinking that I was fucking invincible, fucking unbreakable.
The first few months after the accident I would take medication to help me sleep and keep the nightmares away, but I stopped taking them, because why did I have the right to try to forget the damage I had caused? My mother didn’t approve; she wanted me to get better and talk to someone. For what? To find excuses, to find a way to move past it, to forget? No, that was never going to happen. It was my fault we hit the embankment. Yeah, technically I was not driving, but I was the one telling Sky to accelerate, knowing full well we were both drunk. I had been too drunk and high on cocaine to help Sky out of the car, my coordination was off, and I couldn’t find the seatbelt’s release button to help him out before the car went up in flames. He was burned alive. Through my drug addled mind I had heard his screams before I blacked out.
I turn to the clock and see that it is 4:30am. Shit, I am not going to be able to go back to sleep, they don’t open the campus swimming pool until five; I need a couple of laps to clear my head. I know why the nightmares have returned, because of Olivia. I feel guilty at being able to feel something for someone and Sky can’t. It is my reminder as to why I can’t be happy. Why I choose to push everyone away. I was such a jerk to her, but it irritates me that she is just into partying and having a good time. Yes, I know I am being a hypocrite, because that is what I had been planning on doing when I arrived at college when I was a foolish kid. I know I’m going to have to apologize to her when I see her again.
I collect my stuff and head to the campus gym that’s open twenty four hours so the athletes can work out. Maybe I could get in some cardio before the laps. I decide to do some weights and some boxing. I start my iPod and “Eye of the Tiger” comes on, there nothing like hearing Rocky’s anthem to get you into some upper body conditioning. I finish my cardio then head to the pool, I need some cooling down. I see that someone is here already, her body sliding the underwater. I jump in and start swimming.
I start thinking about before, about all the foolish things Sky and I got into. The pranks we pulled in high school. The parties that we went to and the pussy we shared. When I
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