Hang In There Bozo by Lauren Child

what, um, I suddenly feel a little queasy. I just might head off home.’ {Whites of eyes clearly visible.}
    EVIL PSYCHOPATH : ‘Head off you say…? Now that’s an idea.’ {Evil laughter.}
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    Both these reactions lead to the individual becoming the next victim.
    What you should do instead…
    As in the alien example, act nice, keep friendly, make a plausible excuse and get out of there as quick as possible.
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    EVIL PSYCHOPATH : ‘So, would you like to stay for a glass of lemonade or something?’
    YOU : ‘Yes, that would be lovely, but could I trouble you to add some fresh mint in mine? Mint gives it that pizzazz, you know what I’m saying?’ {Casual delivery, easy-going shrug.}
    EVIL PSYCHOPATH : ‘I agree. I’ll just get a sharp knife to cut it with.’
    YOU : ‘I have a better idea: you get the ice from the icebox and I’ll wander out into the garden and see if I can’t find the mint. I’m so looking forward to that drink! Boy, am I ever in need of it!’ {Pocket the car keys unobserved, walk slowly out, smiling, taking in the day, whistle (hum if you can’t whistle) – act your pants off. Get in that car and drive, bozo, drive!}
    WARNING : DON’T BE SURPRISED IF YOU FIND FRESH MINT LOSES ITS PIZZAZZ.
    DEALING WITH INDIVIDUALS WHO YOU KNOW ARE DANGEROUSLY DULL
    Here I am assuming that your aim is not to hurt the dull person’s feelings.
    In this situation you might want to fake a coughing fit: if they offer to assist by fetching you water, just wave weakly and indicate that you will do better if you sit alone in the bathroom until the fit passes. You can legitimately run from the scene without offending.
    Sometimes one might be at a party or social gathering where drinks are served; here a popular ploy can be to offer to get your boring companion a beverage and then simply not return. This method leaves a lot to be desired since it is all too obvious what you are doing and feelings can be squashed.
    Other ways out…

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    A : MAN-EATING SHARK B: CUNNING WOLF C: EXPLODING DYNAMITE D: VORACIOUS BEAR E: EVIL PSYCHOPATH F: ALIEN FRIEND OR FOE G: HRH THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND
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    EXAMPLE 1
    Fake sudden memory of an appointment you are meant to be at or a phone call you urgently need to make. You can cleverly link this to something your boring companion is droning on about; this leads them to believe that your vacating the area is spontaneous.
    BORING INDIVIDUAL: ‘In 1972 I had a wonderful summer break watching antelope bathe in a watering hole.’
    YOU: ‘Oh my good gosh! That reminds me, I’m meant to be meeting Aunty Lopes at the swimming baths! Excuse me while I skedaddle.’
    EXAMPLE 2
    Explain that you need to check on an ageing relative without delay.
    â€˜I must call my Grandpa Louie. He’s seventy-two and fell down a water main last week while on vacation.’
    EXAMPLE 3
    Introduce your companion to another party-goer, continue conversing for three minutes and give them both the slip.
    â€˜Clancy, you must meet Alice Meindnumb! We’ve been having the most fascinating conversation about antelope bathing… talking of which I might just take a little trip to the bathroom myself.’ {Scowl from Clancy.}
    EXAMPLE 4
    Excuse yourself to help the host.
    â€˜Sounds like our host is trying to wrestle a whole herd of antelope in the kitchen. I’ll just see what I can do to help.’
    EXAMPLE 5
    Start acting strangely.
    â€˜Antelopes! That takes me back to my student days. I once lived with one you know, very personable, but after a while his knees gave up; he was afraid of the elevator you see and living in an apartment block with nineteen flights of stairs did him no good at all, especially on the days when he went grocery shopping.’
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    Boring individual will excuse himself and rush from scene.
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    When nothing else comes to