liked and so Sunday had always been the one day when we were always together. The day when everything else played second fiddle to us. If we weren’t off to see Mum or to the pub with Ed and Kate, then we’d take a stroll, go shopping, pop to an art gallery or museum, or sometimes we’d just stay in, get under a blanket and watch films. But whatever we did, we always did it together.
‘You can’t come for a bit? Mum would love to see you.’
‘I really need to do this,’ she said, taking a sip of coffee and not even looking up from the script.
I’d been trying not to say anything, but suddenly anger rose up inside of me. I’d had enough of not saying anything, of hiding my feelings and not telling her what was on my mind. This always seemed to happen to me. I bottled things up and then unleashed them without warning. I suppose it didn’t just happen. I didn’t like talking about feelings, thoughts and issues – not because I was afraid of them, but afraid of what it would change. If I kept everything in, made it seem like I was fine, then Emma wouldn’t have an excuse to leave me and I was more afraid of that than anything else. Just don’t upset the apple cart.
‘For fuck’s sake, Em. Sunday’s our one day together and you can’t take a day off from the film for me? For Mum?’
Emma looked across at me, perplexed. She closed the script and stared at me coldly.
‘So it is about the film.’
‘What?’
‘You being all angry and morose for the past week. You’re annoyed about the film.’
‘No, Em. I’m annoyed the film takes precedence over everything else.’
‘But this is what I’ve been working towards my whole life, Jack. Surely, you of all people can understand that?’
‘I can. You know I’m happy for you . . .’
‘Do I?’ she snapped.
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘Oh come on, Jack. Ever since I got the part you’ve been in a shitty mood about it. You can’t stand the fact that I’ve finally made it, can you?’
‘What?! Seriously?! That’s what you think? It isn’t about the film, Em. Maybe it’s about the fact you’re doing nude sex scenes with Rhys Connelly and didn’t think to mention it to me. Maybe I’m pissed off about that.’
Emma looked at me for a moment with a sort of ashamed confusion. She’d been caught out and was trying to work out how I knew.
‘You’re jealous?’
‘No, not jealous . . .’
‘It sounds like jealousy.’
‘I’m annoyed you didn’t tell me and I had to find out from him.’
‘I was just waiting for the right time.’
‘And when was that? When Rhys had his dirty Welsh hands all over your tits or when he had his tongue down your throat?’ As soon as I’d said it, I knew I’d crossed a line. I’d gone too far. Emma looked at me in disgust. I would have to apologise. She looked hurt, sad and angry, a whole cacophony of emotions – all I felt was overwhelming guilt. I was an idiot. ‘I’m sorry, Em. I didn’t mean that. You know I’m not that shallow.’
Emma looked at me for a moment and I couldn’t make out her expression, but one thing was quite obvious, she did think I was that shallow. The truth wasn’t that simple. I was over the moon for her and I wanted her to be successful and, honestly, I didn’t mind about the nudity and sex because it came with the territory, but I was afraid she would fall in love with Rhys. I looked at her sitting there, so beautiful and wonderful, and I wanted to hug her, kiss her and hold her. She was enough for me. Suddenly, however, and maybe because of the film, I didn’t feel like I was enough for her.
‘Just go, Jack,’ Emma said tersely, and so I walked away, my toast suddenly popping up to let me know it was done.
‘Mum,’ I said, walking in through the side gate of her house. She didn’t hear me at first and continued on with the garden. ‘Mum,’ I said again a bit louder. Finally she looked up and a smile spread across her face.
‘Oh, hello,
‘You can’t come for a bit? Mum would love to see you.’
‘I really need to do this,’ she said, taking a sip of coffee and not even looking up from the script.
I’d been trying not to say anything, but suddenly anger rose up inside of me. I’d had enough of not saying anything, of hiding my feelings and not telling her what was on my mind. This always seemed to happen to me. I bottled things up and then unleashed them without warning. I suppose it didn’t just happen. I didn’t like talking about feelings, thoughts and issues – not because I was afraid of them, but afraid of what it would change. If I kept everything in, made it seem like I was fine, then Emma wouldn’t have an excuse to leave me and I was more afraid of that than anything else. Just don’t upset the apple cart.
‘For fuck’s sake, Em. Sunday’s our one day together and you can’t take a day off from the film for me? For Mum?’
Emma looked across at me, perplexed. She closed the script and stared at me coldly.
‘So it is about the film.’
‘What?’
‘You being all angry and morose for the past week. You’re annoyed about the film.’
‘No, Em. I’m annoyed the film takes precedence over everything else.’
‘But this is what I’ve been working towards my whole life, Jack. Surely, you of all people can understand that?’
‘I can. You know I’m happy for you . . .’
‘Do I?’ she snapped.
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘Oh come on, Jack. Ever since I got the part you’ve been in a shitty mood about it. You can’t stand the fact that I’ve finally made it, can you?’
‘What?! Seriously?! That’s what you think? It isn’t about the film, Em. Maybe it’s about the fact you’re doing nude sex scenes with Rhys Connelly and didn’t think to mention it to me. Maybe I’m pissed off about that.’
Emma looked at me for a moment with a sort of ashamed confusion. She’d been caught out and was trying to work out how I knew.
‘You’re jealous?’
‘No, not jealous . . .’
‘It sounds like jealousy.’
‘I’m annoyed you didn’t tell me and I had to find out from him.’
‘I was just waiting for the right time.’
‘And when was that? When Rhys had his dirty Welsh hands all over your tits or when he had his tongue down your throat?’ As soon as I’d said it, I knew I’d crossed a line. I’d gone too far. Emma looked at me in disgust. I would have to apologise. She looked hurt, sad and angry, a whole cacophony of emotions – all I felt was overwhelming guilt. I was an idiot. ‘I’m sorry, Em. I didn’t mean that. You know I’m not that shallow.’
Emma looked at me for a moment and I couldn’t make out her expression, but one thing was quite obvious, she did think I was that shallow. The truth wasn’t that simple. I was over the moon for her and I wanted her to be successful and, honestly, I didn’t mind about the nudity and sex because it came with the territory, but I was afraid she would fall in love with Rhys. I looked at her sitting there, so beautiful and wonderful, and I wanted to hug her, kiss her and hold her. She was enough for me. Suddenly, however, and maybe because of the film, I didn’t feel like I was enough for her.
‘Just go, Jack,’ Emma said tersely, and so I walked away, my toast suddenly popping up to let me know it was done.
‘Mum,’ I said, walking in through the side gate of her house. She didn’t hear me at first and continued on with the garden. ‘Mum,’ I said again a bit louder. Finally she looked up and a smile spread across her face.
‘Oh, hello,
Similar Books
