did; any dif- ferences were viewed as threatening.
Smothering parents often have difficulty seeing their children as separate human beings with their own needs and feelings. They often assume they know what their child needs and insist they know what their child is thinking. This mind reading can be especially damaging to a child because it makes him feel intruded upon and separates him from his own private world. This is how my client Jordan explained it: “My dad always thought he knew what I was thinking and feeling. Instead of asking me what I was feeling, he’d tell me. I hated it when he did that. It was like I couldn’t even have my own private thoughts without him intruding upon them. What really bothered me was that sometimes he was right. That really
freaked me out. It was like he had the power to read my mind. I had no place to hide.”
Some smothering parents insist that their children adopt their values. This is often true of highly religious parents, but it also occurs in the homes of people who come from other countries and have maintained the old country’s traditions. I have had many clients from Europe, South America, and Mexico whose parents were overly smothering, including my client Lupe, whose parents came from Central Mexico.
“My dad acted as if he owned me—body and soul. I had absolutely no say in what I wanted to do. Everything was dictated by what was proper for a young girl. When I was little I had to wear these frilly dresses, which I hated. I was always stuck in the kitchen with my mother and aunts and could never play games out in the backyard like my brothers were allowed to do. As I got older I still had no choices. I was told I had to go to a Catholic high school, that I had to take cer- tain classes, and that I couldn’t date until I was eighteen—and then only if my older brother went along as a chaperone.”
When Lupe finished high school she wanted to go on to college, but her father insisted they didn’t have enough money to send a girl to school when they still had two more boys coming up. Even when Lupe got a college scholarship, her father insisted that she stay home to take care of her ailing grandmother. Lupe quietly obeyed her dad. “I know American girls would have fought for what they wanted, but you just don’t disagree with my dad—not in our culture. That would have meant I don’t love him and it would have been like turning my back on everything I was raised to believe in.”
When Lupe first came to see me she was twenty-five years old. She had fallen in love with a white man, and she knew her father would never accept him. “I know what I need to do. I need to say good-bye to Tom. I just wish I didn’t love him so much. I’ve tried walking away, but we work together and seeing him every day causes me almost unbearable pain. But I can’t hurt my father like this. I just can’t.”
This would be a difficult situation for anyone, but for someone who had never been allowed to make her own choices the situation was particularly daunting. Lupe had started suffering from horrible stomach pains and she was missing a lot of work because of it. “I guess
I’m just going to have to quit my job. That way I won’t have to see Tom. I don’t know what else to do.” It didn’t occur to Lupe that her health was being affected by her inability to stand up to her father and do what was right for herself.
The Possessive Parent
The possessive parent wants to control, own, and consume her child. She begins when her child is an infant, overprotecting him, holding him so close that he may feel suffocated. When the child reaches the age where he wants to begin to explore the world separate from his parent, the possessive parent feels threatened and clings to her child even tighter. This need to possess can continue throughout childhood, causing the parent to feel jealous of anything and everyone that threatens to take him away. For example, the parent may discour-
Smothering parents often have difficulty seeing their children as separate human beings with their own needs and feelings. They often assume they know what their child needs and insist they know what their child is thinking. This mind reading can be especially damaging to a child because it makes him feel intruded upon and separates him from his own private world. This is how my client Jordan explained it: “My dad always thought he knew what I was thinking and feeling. Instead of asking me what I was feeling, he’d tell me. I hated it when he did that. It was like I couldn’t even have my own private thoughts without him intruding upon them. What really bothered me was that sometimes he was right. That really
freaked me out. It was like he had the power to read my mind. I had no place to hide.”
Some smothering parents insist that their children adopt their values. This is often true of highly religious parents, but it also occurs in the homes of people who come from other countries and have maintained the old country’s traditions. I have had many clients from Europe, South America, and Mexico whose parents were overly smothering, including my client Lupe, whose parents came from Central Mexico.
“My dad acted as if he owned me—body and soul. I had absolutely no say in what I wanted to do. Everything was dictated by what was proper for a young girl. When I was little I had to wear these frilly dresses, which I hated. I was always stuck in the kitchen with my mother and aunts and could never play games out in the backyard like my brothers were allowed to do. As I got older I still had no choices. I was told I had to go to a Catholic high school, that I had to take cer- tain classes, and that I couldn’t date until I was eighteen—and then only if my older brother went along as a chaperone.”
When Lupe finished high school she wanted to go on to college, but her father insisted they didn’t have enough money to send a girl to school when they still had two more boys coming up. Even when Lupe got a college scholarship, her father insisted that she stay home to take care of her ailing grandmother. Lupe quietly obeyed her dad. “I know American girls would have fought for what they wanted, but you just don’t disagree with my dad—not in our culture. That would have meant I don’t love him and it would have been like turning my back on everything I was raised to believe in.”
When Lupe first came to see me she was twenty-five years old. She had fallen in love with a white man, and she knew her father would never accept him. “I know what I need to do. I need to say good-bye to Tom. I just wish I didn’t love him so much. I’ve tried walking away, but we work together and seeing him every day causes me almost unbearable pain. But I can’t hurt my father like this. I just can’t.”
This would be a difficult situation for anyone, but for someone who had never been allowed to make her own choices the situation was particularly daunting. Lupe had started suffering from horrible stomach pains and she was missing a lot of work because of it. “I guess
I’m just going to have to quit my job. That way I won’t have to see Tom. I don’t know what else to do.” It didn’t occur to Lupe that her health was being affected by her inability to stand up to her father and do what was right for herself.
The Possessive Parent
The possessive parent wants to control, own, and consume her child. She begins when her child is an infant, overprotecting him, holding him so close that he may feel suffocated. When the child reaches the age where he wants to begin to explore the world separate from his parent, the possessive parent feels threatened and clings to her child even tighter. This need to possess can continue throughout childhood, causing the parent to feel jealous of anything and everyone that threatens to take him away. For example, the parent may discour-
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